tags: loneliness
2000
July
- 2000 Jul 9
- A Very Bad Disease
I have a very bad disease, of which I am not entirely sure I wish to purge myself of, that being, I feel that I am mobile when I seek control. (No, no going back, just keep writing this dreaded spew, I feel like I've gotten diarrhea both mentally and physically, no stopping, goddman it, not even a moment to gather my thoughts. I've never felt this angry, sad, maniacal all at the same time before.) I am everything I wish I were not or I wish I were everything I am not, some sick shit like that, so alone. No one can possibly understand it, or is it (yet, most likely) some goddmaned egotistical conceit, as if no one had ever taken this path before, been squeezed tight by obligations and filial duties you never know when the handcuffs are coming down, latching to your wrist.
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2001
February
- 2001 Feb 14
- The Ides of February
Valentine’s Day blows. French movies are awesome. Drug movies are quickly becoming my favorite. Coldplay isn’t too bad. How could I resist an album whose first track is entitled “Don’t Panic”?
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2002
March
- 2002 Mar 23
- Acute Distress
Don’t give up? Please don’t patronize me.
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April
- 2002 Apr 4
- Done
Whatever.
· Read more… - 2002 Apr 7
- Dead Weight
I keep holding myself down, for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom. Somehow I’ve got to get these chains off my ankle, shoot back up to the surface, and finally take a deep breath.
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June
- 2002 Jun 17
- More Loneliness
…than any man can bear. Rescue me before I fall into despair. I’ll send an S.O.S. out to the world….
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2003
June
- 2003 Jun 6
- Keeping Score
A good day after all.
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August
- 2003 Aug 31
- pathetique
Man, it sucks to be alone when you’re trying to stave off PTSD.
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2004
October
- 2004 Oct 14
- Everything Is All Wrong
So we enter the realm of darkness. The underworld of the night shift, the hours of the graveyard. My loneliness is a palpable presence, a solid mass. Like rotten meat sitting in my stomach. And I'm too tired to vomit it up.
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2006
April
- 2006 Apr 7
- on the nature of fear
I think I just realized that it’s not the loneliness itself that’s getting me down. It’s the fact that I’m starting to dread the future. I can’t get rid of this idea that I’m on this doomed path that’s leading to nowhere, and that things are at best going to remain forever unchanged and unchanging until I die, but more likely, things are going to get worse.
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August
- 2006 Aug 6
- seven years (not in tibet)
(I was thinking of the city of Lhasa this morning as I contemplated my dog, who is a Lhasa Apso-something else. I also thought of the cheery thought my sister shared with me a while ago: you know how we’re fighting wars for oil these days? She predicts that the next natural resource we’ll be fighting wars for will be water. Specifically, as the Himalayan snowpack starts to melt because of global warming, India and China will be forced into a standoff over water rights. I also think that contention over water rights will be the single most important factor driving the politics of California in the next few years. But that is neither here nor there.)
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September
- 2006 Sep 30
- the problem of living in a vacuum
I’ve been living by myself for two years now, and I think it’s starting to wear on my soul. In the past, I’ve at least had roommates (despite the fact that I have wanted some of them arrested and/or shot by the cops) and this ensured a minimal amount of human contact.
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October
- 2006 Oct 29
- feeling abandoned
I have spent the last 80 hours or so without speaking to another soul. (I am not counting buying stuff at the store, or communicating via computer.) I can’t help but wonder if anyone would miss me if I disappeared.
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November
- 2006 Nov 7
- new
Excuse me sir
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I’m lost
I’m looking for a place
where I can get lost
I’m looking for a home
For my malfunctioning being
I’m looking for the mechanical music museum - 2006 Nov 17
- definitely broken, and unfixable
What is it in me that drives me to wander the empty ether on a Friday night, bereft of companionship? Why is it that I torture my mind with “could’ve beens”? Or worse yet, things that couldn’t’ve possibly ever happened, they were just thin, dry yearnings escaping from the cracks in my soul, as impossible then as they are now.
· Read more… - 2006 Nov 29
- some semblance of winter
The temperature was somewhere in the mid 60s today, which is chilly for Southern California. Combined with the Christmas carols and the mall displays, it’s actually starting to feel like December is coming.
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2007
January
- 2007 Jan 27
- why
I find myself asking this question right now, and it’s tearing the already tattered remnants of my soul to microscopic shreds:
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March
- 2007 Mar 20
- still dreaming
I think it’s just a matter of time before reality decides to bite me in the ass. I’ve been skating by these past few weeks, trying to desperately catch up on some direly needed sleep, and failing to do so. Tomorrow I am once again on call, and I know for a fact that I’m never going to shake this damned cold. And sadly, my next full weekend off isn’t for another week and a half.
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April
- 2007 Apr 1
- euphemisms and ridiculous tangents
None of my own inner demons have anything directly to do with Nic’s blog post about how nice guys finish last, but the opening quote reminded me of the dead-end lifestyle I’ve been leading for the last decade or so.
· Read more… - 2007 Apr 13
- no beats. no rhymes. just words.
There is a song in here somewhere
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caught in the convolutions of my heart
the tortuous paths, the cliffdrops, the lonely summits
the bitter abysses, this vast desert of ruin
This wasteland of decay
August
- 2007 Aug 2
- this type of hero
How much of your destiny is truly predetermined? How much of it is self-fulfilling prophecy? (There are technical terms for these things, I think, except I can’t remember them. Confirmation bias? Forer effect?)
· Read more… - 2007 Aug 7
- purpose
Hoping that when I find myself face-to-face with an ICBM with a neutron bomb payload, I won't have to say the same thing
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September
- 2007 Sep 24
- recent mistakes and bad ideas
It was probably poor planning to drink coffee at 9 p.m. and expect to be able to sleep.
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October
- 2007 Oct 2
- movement while staying still
I have yet to determine when the ideal time to have my last cup of coffee is. I feel like if I don’t have it before 6 p.m., I’m totally going to fall asleep, but if I have it at 7 p.m., then I’m going to be awake all night.
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2008
January
- 2008 Jan 18
- to wish impossible things
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- 2008 Jan 19
- loneliness
Loneliness is both painful to experience and potentially deadly. “It's actually a greater risk for morbidity or mortality than cigarette smoking is. Being lonely is a bad thing for you,” he said.
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June
- 2008 Jun 16
- i guess that's it
So it occurred to me that maybe that's my only purpose on this Earth, to ease the suffering of at least a small handful of people. Nothing fancy, nothing glorious. While sucky, loneliness is only one of the multitude of varieties of suffering available on this planet, and it is certainly nowhere near the worst. I guess. That's how I get myself through the day, at least.
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July
- 2008 Jul 15
- abandon in place
It's about 3 a.m. and I'm utterly exhausted. I've pushed myself to the brink for no good reason and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not entirely certain what I'm trying to prove here. I try a reconfiguration to see if it will make a difference, and I guess I've proven to myself what she knew all along once upon a time, that my attempts at fixing things end up being mere rearrangements. I don't so much clean as reshuffle. Things move around, but nothing really changes.
· Read more… - 2008 Jul 21
- the past comes bubbling up to the present
Apparently one of my neighbors is either reminiscing about the past, or feeling heartbroken, or both, because he/she was playing this song from TLC from yesteryear:
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August
- 2008 Aug 20
- not in this timeline
a phantom lifestyle imagined by my fevered mind where there would be someone at home who would wish me luck and send me out with a hug and a kiss, and there would be someone to look forward to seeing once
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it's all over
2011
November
- 2011 Nov 30
- where the hell did that come from?
So I'm driving home and all of the sudden my iPod starts playing "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac, and the lyrics just hit me:
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2012
January
- 2012 Jan 5
- it's not real unless it's shared
This was always an article of faith for me: it might as well have never have happened if there isn't a story to tell. As I've spent several years of my life essentially alone, this has caused me to feel a significant portion of my life is unreal and perhaps even in vain.
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2013
September
- 2013 Sep 30
- i don't do well with people
So the (perhaps post-hoc) rationale was that I wasn't there to pick-up on women, I was there to hang out with my cousins.
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October
- 2013 Oct 5
- it's all bullshit
I could be coping better. This is not going well at all.
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2014
June
- 2014 Jun 17
- broken then bound
My bedroom window looks out west, towards the last glow of the day and to the north lays a valley where chrome streams of cars crisscross the gleaming white concrete slashing through the wind, roaring like the sea lulling me to sleep like the tide crashing upon the sands
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2015
October
- 2015 Oct 27
- Perfect Soundtrack for Eternal Longing
It just occurs to me now that Adele would've been the perfect soundtrack for my life from late September 1995 up until very late September 2014.
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