mahiwaga

I'm not really all that mysterious

2002

Jan 2002 Feb 2002 Mar 2002 Apr 2002 May 2002 Jun 2002 Jul 2002 Aug 2002 Sep 2002 Oct 2002 Nov 2002 Dec 2002

Jan

The last morning, the first morning
light touches the sky
glow
I dreamt the City burned like a star
shattered towers, ashen, fallen,
against the bright yellow sky
flying
the sentinel planes like vultures
midnight steel against the sodium light glow
(like all the lamplights in the world
had been melted and smeared
across the sky like a crayon)
The sky ran like—mercury
tinged gold
the inside of an eye with light shining in it
without the stain of flowing blood
The sky flowed like a swollen river
gold fire
And that was that
another year spent dreaming
maybe you die every time you close your eyes
are born every time you wake
and the world ended in a dream
I am left with only the flickering stars

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New Year, Shnew Year

Stress can be a real killer. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

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For every punch in the gut you take, sometimes they give you a lollipop. Doesn’t do much for the pain, but hey, you take what you get, right?

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An Excerpt from Dhalgren

Then sometimes you just have to appropriate a passage from someone else’s masterpiece because it all fits so well.

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It Wasn't That the World Changed…

More thoughts about Dhalgren and the nature of synchronicity.

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Break It Down Again

“Laziness” doesn’t seem quite descriptive enough. Neither does “atypical depression.” What the hell is this monkey sitting on my shoulder?

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Addiction (For Love of a Stump)

Acrotomophiliacs. Are endorphins even more addicting than heroin?

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Everything is a map to me. Snow makes me feel like I’ve been transported to another world.

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Existential Crisis • Episode 6

A meditation. Thinking of things that should not be thought of at this particular hour.

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What Day Is It?

Randomness percolating in my brain.

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You Call This A Blog?

“Procrastination is like masturbation. It’s fun until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.”

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Caveat: Zippers really chafe.

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Med School Ruined My Life

My sense of normalcy has been completely destroyed.

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Feb

Shoulda, Coulda

Existential crisis #7

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Dopamine and the nucleus accumbens.

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Brain Worms (Existential Crisis #8)

This is just pitiful and pathetic.

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Always make backups.

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The Man from Wales (¡Viva Las Vegas!)

Is it because I was conceived in Las Vegas? The place has become something of a touchstone.

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Endless Madness

Who wants to be an artist? I do.

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A Casserole of Trivial Thoughts

Random crap floating around in my brain

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The Cruelest Month?

“You’ve got to get yourself together. You’ve got stuck in a moment and now you can’t get out of it.”

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For Want of a Filipino Restaurant

Activism in all shapes and forms. Remembering history is definitely one of them.

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Clinical Significance?

The vicissitudes and vagaries of world history, from the perspective of a prospective forensic pathologist. (OK, probably not. I really don’t like dead people, much less cutting them up.)

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Outside My Jurisdiction

A wise man once said: “Fuggedaboudit”

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Mar

And Yet, I Am Surprised

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just an idiot.

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Whirling (Regretting Regret)

“I would like a place I could call my own/Have a conversation on the telephone/Wake up every day it would be a start/I would not complain of my wounded heart.”

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Razor Thin Edge

Not to be melodramatic or pessimistic, but I wonder if it could happen. If one day all of the sudden, I might just finally snap and have to be carted off to the loony bin.

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“Reality continues to ruin my life” — Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes”

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I can’t go on doing the same things, retracing the old worn out patterns. Something has to change. There’s no other way around it.

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I can’t keep secrets.

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“Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes….”

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Can't Sleep… Clowns Will Eat Me

Oh God, what have I done? Or more exactly, what did I fail to do?

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As a priest once told me, people always mistake faith with certainty.

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What are dreams anyway?

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Coming Soon?: Itim na Lawin Nabagsak

So the Americans want to come back for a rematch. There are fewer things more deadly than a guy running amok. Let’s hope the Philippines isn’t the first to taste W’s new policy about nuking countries he doesn’t like.

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Don’t give up? Please don’t patronize me.

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Madness. Endless madness.

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And There You Are

That which fails to kill you only delays the inevitable.

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Apr

I Don't Want to Feel This Way Forever

OK I give up! Someone untie me!

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Whatever.

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I keep holding myself down, for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom. Somehow I’ve got to get these chains off my ankle, shoot back up to the surface, and finally take a deep breath.

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I cannot take the sharp dives, the abrupt ascents
send me reeling, my heart in my throat
thumping and rumbling, like there's something trapped in there
trying to break free
As gravity's iron grip yanks my body out of thin air again
I'm just hoping to black out
to float in the deep abyss of silent ignorance
knowing nothing and not caring
Slapped awake by the whipping wind
impending doom grows in my stomach

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Because you can’t expect perfection to last for more than a moment. (Paraphrased from Tyler Durden from “Fight Club” by Chuck Pahlahniuk)

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Jam Fac Id (Just Do It)

Letting go.

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I’m not gon’ give up/I’m not gon’ stop/I’m gon’ work harder

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Don’t patronize me. Let me face the end with some vestige of honor.

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Chewing the Cud

Only two things you absolutely need to do: take a pulse, and threaten to do a DRE (digital rectal exam)

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The sense of impending doom returneth.

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Self Pity at 2:30 a.m.

Don’t you love it when a woman talks as if you aren’t there? Story of my life.

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May

A disjointed meditation at 3 a.m.

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I’m not talking about the digital rectal exam here.

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Here’s where the story ends.

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I know I was supposed to learn something from this, but I can’t for the life of me figure out exactly what.

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Wishful Thinking

Destined for the bit bucket

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Everything is Funny…

…when it isn’t happening to you.

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I am a mutant.

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Pre-emptive Strike

I’m sorry. I couldn’t even try. I’m oh-so-very tired.

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There Is No Problem…

…so big you can’t run away from it.

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Time runs out.

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A gasp of air.

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The Tranquility of the Damned

Final countdown beginning. Prepare for liftoff.

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Mission Accomplished

Target destroyed.

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Jun

Even more fear and loathing in Las Vegas.

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Champagne Supernova

Go Lakers! I love L.A.!

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The brain barf begins.

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Everything happens so quickly.

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More Loneliness

…than any man can bear. Rescue me before I fall into despair. I’ll send an S.O.S. out to the world….

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I drive through her streets ‘cause she’s my companion/I walk through her hills ‘cause she knows who I am….

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On the road again. Err. In the air again?

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Tirade of the Broken Soul

I can’t do it. I’m trying, but I just feel like I’m slipping down the chute with every passing day.

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Fuck It/Fight It

It’s all the same.

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The Number of the Beast

Cause a 252 ain’t worth your soul, a 252 ain’t worth your soul, a 252 ain’t worth it.

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Days go by.

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Typical Scenario

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again

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Jul

Portentiousness (Chapter 1)

I get knocked down, then I get up again.

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More melodrama.

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Between entertainment and trauma.

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Essential Hyper-Emptiness

A common disease with no known cure.

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Aug

Acute Brain Obstruction

That’s all she wrote.

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There were other reasons for this. I was supposed to write other things, but I have put it off further and further, and still, deep inside, I wonder if I wouldn't be better off just keeping it all inside, letting it build up like a pressure cooker until it was Time.

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Sep

A little momentary brain burp.

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Random garbage spewed on the city streets today.

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Oct

Alone again on a Friday night.

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The Art of Not Wanting Revisited

I didn’t come up with it myself.

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The Fall of the Republic - Continued

The Advent of the Empire. “A little rebellion now is a good thing” — Thomas Jefferson

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Synchronicity - Episode IV - A New Hope

The word, and all its attendant madness.

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Holistic Detection

More quotes. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, one person’s rampant chaos and discord is another person’s exquisite order and harmony. And randomness to one person may be clear direction to another. (Hence, the unending battle between evolutionists and creationists.)

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Altered Mental Status

You know who you are. If only I had the strength to pull the arrow out of my heart.

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The Way of the Gun

Don’t shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me.

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On Digital Rectal Exams

digital root word digit, from Middle English, from Latin digitus finger, toe. (Courtesy of The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.) We don’t stick computer probes up there, just fingers.

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Seventeen Dollars Worth of Chemicals

What fueled the emergence of self?

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Nov

Annum III in Exilio (What the Hell Am I Doing with My Life?)

Oh, no. Not again. (Very famous last words attributed to a bowl of petunias which I will quote again and again incessantly.)

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Completely Shot Out

Quiet thoughts from the middle of the night.

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Wound Check - Post Op Day 1

Recurrent acute mental emesis (another brain barf)

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Manual Disimpaction

This is what happens when you don’t get restful sleep.

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I think I am wearing down.

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Over and over again.

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The Guilelessness of Fatigue

The rush of adrenaline as you escape the city at 70 mph, barreling down the Interstate into the high desert, where there are tumultous rain storms, blasting winds, and wondrous mirages. This is how I feel at this moment, metaphorically speaking. May God have mercy on my soul.

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Inspiration strikes at odd hours. I have said this once before. I hope I do not live to regret it. And I mean that last sentence in all the ways it can be interpreted.

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A couple of cigarettes and a lot of booze, and all of the sudden all my secrets come out.

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Dec

In the Maw of Melodrama

If I could only stop picking at my scabs, I wonder if there is a chance I might heal?

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I Don't Care (Right)

I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but I’ll post this anyways.

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Hedging My Bets

I am deathly afraid of having to lay all my cards out on the table.

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Vector Tracings

I remember white outlines on a black background, kind of like a blueprint being drawn before my eyes. I don't know. Like a concept diagram. There was a road, or a railway. I know: as if reality were being generated as I cast my eyes upon it. More concretely, like a primitive 3D shooter (like Doom, or Counterstrike) whose graphics engine relied only on vector tracings, and which could not keep up with realtime. I suppose, if I really knew what I was doing, I would try to approximate it with a Flash animation, but such as it is.

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“Are you postal today?” the on-call resident asked the post-call resident. No, I suppose none of this is really coherent at all.

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Space.

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Only This and Nothing More

To all the girls I’ve loved before….

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The Longest Night

And all the world’s weight is on my back and I don’t even know why.

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The Christmas Before Last (Do Not Read This If You Want to Be Happy)

Oooh. I am in rare form today. Here’s to the darkness and the never ending void. “Out of doubt, out of dark to the day’s rising/I came singing in the sun, sword unsheathing./To hope’s end I rode and to heart’s breaking….” – J.R.R. Tolkien from The Lord of the Rings

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So This Is Christmas

This is the Day.

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