2001

Jan 2001 Feb 2001 Mar 2001 Apr 2001 May 2001 Jun 2001 Jul 2001 Aug 2001 Sep 2001 Oct 2001 Nov 2001 Dec 2001

My mind is obviously on another planet right now. The wonderful world of tyramine and other sympathomimetics. Michelle and Rodel broke up!

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Jan 5

Music makes the people come together

I can’t live without aural stimulation. Why do I like “Gladiator” so much?

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Jan 15

Calm

Am I nothing but a clockwork orange? Louis-Ferdinand Céline. Calvin and Hobbes and the Myth of Sisyphus.

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Jan 17

Before I Lay Me Down to Sleep

More Calvin and Hobbes. Crackers and script-kiddies. More music. Princesses and unicorns.

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Jan 17

Trembling

Holy mother of God! Why am I trembling? Something like joy courses through my veins, but the tears are waiting to fall. Will it be like this for the rest of my waking hours, to stand still, lost in a fog of indecision, while happiness is something that happens to other people?

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Jan 18

Bleakness

Would I change a thing? I guess not, when it comes down to it. Well, not at the juncture that was presented to me.

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Jan 19

Retrospect

This entry is just completely random. Oh, and they aren’t kidding about weddings and funerals.

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Jan 20

Snowfields and Inspiration

How taking a drive gives me these completely random ideas

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Jan 22

Histology and Matt Groening

Why don’t people care about scientific accuracy? I give Matt Groening props.

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Jan 24

Panem et Circenses

Watching TV makes me think of the fall of the Roman Empire, the bread, the circuses, the orgies, the vomitoriums. I guess it's like riding a waterfall [into a cesspool]. TV is an honest-to-God sewer.

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Jan 26

Technochaos

“What is real?” asked Morpheus. A quick endocrinology snippet. (Learn something really nerdy and impress your friends.)

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Feb

Feb 1

Sunlight

It's really just the sunlight, isn't it? I really should get evaluated. I have to learn how to plan things better, too. Maybe I'll get a [PDA] after all?

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Feb 8

End of Week One

False spring, tech woes, wisdom teeth, “Snatch”, the RIAA, and Ebola.

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Feb 10

High

I want to yell obscenities, not because I'm pissed off or anything, I just think that the world is deserving of obscenities.

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Feb 12

Non-linear and Unpredictable

Why I must force life to be linear and predictable, I do not know, but it is surely the root cause of much of my unhappiness. It is unfortunate that it is easier to be miserable than to be content, but like I'm implying, life really isn't all that linear.

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Feb 12

Another Unsent Letter

You saved my life, I think. I was seriously ready to give up hope completely—I knew that if I went on for another month without things turning around, I didn't want to keep going. But then, by sheer chance, you showed up in my life and taught me what I was going through was (relatively and loosely-speaking) normal, and that something would turn up eventually, and that I wasn't alone. I'm not sure I've used what you've taught me wisely, but I do know that I'm in your debt.

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Feb 14

The Ides of February

Valentine’s Day blows. French movies are awesome. Drug movies are quickly becoming my favorite. Coldplay isn’t too bad. How could I resist an album whose first track is entitled “Don’t Panic”?

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Feb 15

Sunlight and the Ocean

Santa Monica, Venice, high school memories, and my daily requirement of sunlight.

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Feb 19

Without Rhyme or Reason

I feel restless and cramped. Caged, really, with no apparent hope for escape. I cannot even fantasize my way out of this madness, short of hospitalization. Maybe [St. John's wort] will help again, though. I cannot stand So Cal February gloom. I think maybe there are only a few months I can endure.

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Feb 19

Full of Shit

…my mind is notorious for concocting details after the fact. I'm just like my dad.

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Feb 20

Dreaming of Rhyme

Bleh. I dreamnt of [redacted] last night… as I am wont to disclaim, it was nothing perverted. If I were a little more emotional, or if I wasn't so tapped out and bled dry, I might have wept upon waking, but everything is just too little, too late, and what the fuck am I doing here surrounded by people I do not trust, people who would probably sell me if it would turn them a profit.

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Feb 23

Without Rhyme or Reason

Am I a moron or what? My life is like a diluted, bawlderized version of Louis-Ferdinand Céline’s. (My other role model is, megalomaniacally, José Rizal. Frighteningly, I would say Céline’s life is the cheerier of the two.) I would probably never make it as a writer, though. I can always seem to find a Cure song that precisely expresses my misery.

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Feb 24

The Terran Confederacy

Starship Troopers and Starcraft. Should I join the Navy? I got a recruitment packet from the Marines once, but I’ve watched “Full Metal Jacket.” I’d probably end up just like Private Pyle.

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Feb 25

Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

Good times for a change. See the life I’ve had would make a good man bad. The Art Institute. Mawage. How water-lilies can drive you insane. Voluptuousness and the Crusades.

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Feb 27

Crushed

I redecorated. Whatcha think? Mardi Gras. Unmotivated. Fate wins.

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Mar

Mar 1

Waiting for Spring

Fight the Power. Trust-bust the RIAA. You go, Courtney Love.

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Mar 2

The Bard Was a Stoner

Puts A Midsummer Night’s Dream in a different light, doesn’t it?

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Mar 5

rm -rf *

Can you get high on capsaicin? Texas Hold’em and Lady Luck. Why, oh, why don’t I keep better backups? Existentialism. I am so terribly lonely at this point, and I don’t think there will be an end to this misery. Ah well.

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Mar 8

Namespaces

I spent much of the week basically retagging journal entries, rewriting stylesheets, and figuring out makefiles. You won't notice much of a difference and sometimes I wonder why I bothered, but hopefully it'll make things easier in the future.

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Mar 11

Revolution and Martyrdom

A poem by Benigno Aquino. Lent and martyrdom. Dogeaters. Sometimes I just want to weep for the world.

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Mar 22

Eleven Days

Who needs illegal drugs? Thinking with my sacral nerves again. (God, this med school thing is just encouraging my already warped personality) The maganda magazine archive. Journey to the End of the Night (Would it be translated as Paglalakbay Magdamag? I am just obsessed with that word now….)

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Mar 23

Reading Books, Nearsightedness, and Nerdiness

Frighteningly, there actually is a biological process that explains the correlation between bookishness and wearing glasses. (The rest of the chain of events that cements one's social standing as a nerd is a conjectural adventure into psychology which I would rather not take…)

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Mar 24

Flushed Down the Toilet

Unclogging the toilet. The edge of civilization. God I’m pathetic.

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Mar 26

Procrastination

Redesigned again, if you noticed. I'm willling to do anything as long as it's not what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm waiting for my brother and my sister to come and visit me… due to my bizarre reasoning (M:G's song "No Sense of Reason" is now playing through my head…), they are arriving before I take my exam. Because of my full-grown phobia of airplanes, I keep imagining horrible things, but what can I do, life is like that, you really just have to keep your fingers crossed.

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Mar 27

Remembering and Losing

The hazards of being unable to forget. Luck and losing.

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Apr

Apr 1

Happy New Year

April is the cruelest month. Spring is teasing me. I hate how desolate the Midwest is, although I wouldn’t mind actually living in Chicago. I finally found a Playstation 2. I had a lot of clever things to say, but I can’t get them to come out.

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Apr 1

Fear and Loathing in North Chicago

Daylight Saving Time is some sort of weird mind-control thing—I feel slightly drugged—does melatonin really have psychotropic effects? What do I watch next to continue on with my Benicio del Toro marathon? Capitalism has reached the metastatic phase and the end point is assured. The real issue is how do we deal with the meltdown? (Hint: I’m not talking about the Dow Jones here.)

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Apr 2

A Quote from JLB

A quote about hell and insanity.

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Apr 3

Disarray

When will I ever learn to leave well enough alone. How the Mafia, the Simpsons, and my brother and my sister taught me the importance of family. Even when I want to strangle them. (I am not a violent guy. Really.)

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Apr 4

Pfft… Just Like That

Money, love, family, and the Simpsons.

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Apr 5

Netritus

I clearly have not gotten enough sleep. I am again coining nonsense words like netritus (Internet detritus).

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Apr 6

Zzap! (The Beauty of Resignation)

Lightning. I give up. For now.

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Apr 8

Passion

Very bad translations, corporate doom, and the mutual exclusiveness of an Empire and a future

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Apr 9

You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em

Show me your poker face! You call that a poker face! Witchhazel, styptic, and death by crucifixion in the ICD-9 manual. Normalcy is basically impossible at this juncture.

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Apr 10

If I Don't Believe in It, It Will Go Away

Money, money, money, money… money!! Fuck capitalism. Sony, why are you trying to kill me? I am definitely a hack writer who couldn’t pull of a decent plot line if my life depended on it.

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Apr 12

Code

I’m glad I’m friends with whom I’m friends with. As cheesy as it sounds, it’ll all work out in the end. Somehow. And a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. On another note… well, why not. Just spill it. This was all just a test of the emergency broadcast system.

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Apr 13

Irresistible Force

Adding more shit to the crapper known as the Internet.

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Apr 14

Piss and Vinegar (I Am the Anonymous Coward)

The Free Speech Movement at Berkeley. Rescind SP-1/SP-2 and restore affirmative action. Macs vs Wintel, the neverending saga. (The penguin hides in waiting.) Flame people who send essentialist lists of Filipino and Filipino-American characteristics until their keyboards catch on fire.

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Apr 15

The Colon

This family thing is really getting to me. Maybe it’s all biological? I am a clockwork orange after all….

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Apr 16

When?

Snow in April.

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Apr 18

Accumulata

I really think I hate being happy. (“Life. Hate it or loathe it, you can’t ignore it.”) Some other random things that I must dump out of my brain before they contaminate everything.

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Apr 21

Shrugging Off Existentialism

Philosophy and abstractions. Low self-esteem due to a superiority complex. The balance of opposing forces. The mammalian inability to be precise. Why can’t I be normal?

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Apr 22

Contradictions, Contraindications, Mental Masturbation

Recursive discursive meta-meditation. Blog culture. Oops, I didn’t get to it. Why won’t you listen to me?

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Apr 22

Church on Time

Random oscillations of sound waves

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Apr 23

Convergence

Pancreatitis sucks. Getting to Europa via Antarctica, the International Space Station, and Mars.

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Apr 24

Killing Time

I am still on edge, just waiting for catastrophe. What's wrong with me? I really should cut back on the caffeine… damn physiological dependency….

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Apr 25

The Final Frontier

Space exploration. The dangers of information and revisionist history. The need for expansion. A way to use the military for peaceful means.

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Apr 26

I Can't Let You Do That, Dave

A server on the Internation Space Station crashes. A passage on Heinrich Klüver

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Apr 26

Fear of Flying

My definitions of fun and friendship. Basically, what I want out of life.

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Apr 27

Average Wait Time—15 Minutes

Standing, stations, status….

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Apr 27

Guessing about the Geography

I thought I had given up on this, what with the rationale for this monolithic screed having evaporated two months ago and the fact that I have brought my madness online, but I guess unless I finally do get a laptop, I'm going to have to put my thoughts somewhere when I'm on a trip. And I did promise to use up all the paper in this notebook anyway.

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Apr 29

The Flipside of Despair

Hope is nothing but the flipside of despair
running on empty, still, something
burning like acid, chilling like frost
veins all tapped out, and yet you still bleed
you lie there all tingling
upon bloodstained sheets
no game left to play, the dice always come up snake-eyes
and still your eyes flutter open
with the kiss of the sunlight

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Apr 30

Words Come Unbidden

I did not want to write the words
come unbidden
did not want to give form, give life
to the shapeless nightmare haunting my dreams
and yet the words still come flowing
like waves, like the ebb and flow
of blood welling from a slit throat
oozing with every rattling breath

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May

May 3

Anterograde Amnesia

Memories. From the corner of my mind. (John Krickfalusi’s rendition)

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May 6

And Knowing Is Half the Battle

Science ruined my life. Hehe. Would she have loved me if I had given it up?

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May 6

The Man of the Stain (The Selfish Meme)

Music is flowing through my brain. I suppose I ought to be trying to remember something I have long forgotten….

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May 6

Suck and Burn

OMG I am such a GEEK. No wonder I can’t get a date.

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May 9

The Best Part of Friendship

Ask my sister about this one. I have no idea why it popped into my head.

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May 16

The End of It All

In the end of it all, I am simply a moron, and I've come so close to just accepting it, but foolish, insane pride always gets me to reconsider. I mean, it really didn't change a damn thing, even with a pretty girl sitting beside me. I don't even want to give voice to my incredible sense of frustration with myself. I could almost imagine my soul yelling and screaming, pounding at the doors of my heart, only to collapse weeping with despair.

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May 16

I Would've, If Only…

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish. We apologize for the inconvenience.

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May 31

Chicago, Los Angeles, San Diego, Sacramento, Boston, New York City

Everywhere at once.

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Jun

Jun 5

I Love L.A.

Thoughts about Los Angeles. (To live and die in L.A.? Well, maybe….)

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Jun 10

How Can I Stop Pining?

Steroid hormones are powerful, powerful things. Just how desperate can a man get, I wonder.

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Jun 11

Rearticulation (or Disarticulation?)

No, what I mean to say is… that’s not what I meant, not what I meant at all….

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Jun 12

Book Report

Beauty. Unicorns. Reality.

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Jun 18

Physician, Heal Thy Self

The wound inside my heart.

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Jun 20

Hell

Gary Larson. Charles Bukowski. Louis-Ferdinand Céline. Say hi to Satan for me. I’ll be there shortly.

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Jul

Jul 13

City of Angels

An excursus on American cities.

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Jul 30

The City that Doesn't Sleep and Other Ramblings

New York and a few random epiphanies.

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Jul 30

Technical Difficulties

Why does this exist?

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Jul 31

New York City — Episode VI

My sixth trip to New York City

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Aug

Aug 2

Chicagoland Redux

Escapades in the middle of nowhere.

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Aug 3

Anno 3 in Exilio (An Acute Bout of Homesickness)

Where in the hell did this come from. Some random eruptions from the subconscious.

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Aug 3

What, Me Worry?

I can pull wild explanations and rationalizations out of my ass all day. I think they’re for the most part true as far as I can see, but I can understand how it all looks like bullshit in the end.

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Aug 4

Thoughts About Ben Hur

Random movie pick. It was either this or Spartacus.

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Aug 4

Beautiful Day

A day in Chicago.

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Aug 8

Schroedinger's Limbic System

Perspective is hard to achieve if you’re hallucinating.

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Aug 8

Some Bizarre Amalgamation

I dreamt of an apartment, or a house, that was some bizarre amalgamation of my current apartment and of Joce's apartment. It was in the middle of nowhere, like, even less civilized than where I actually am right now. Or at least that was the first impression I got. It was actually similar to the neighborhood I dreamt about once, that was kind of like Glassell Park, except it was more ritzy, and Division St. was actually a major thoroughfare, but that's another dream which I only remember snatches from. (There was a church, like St. Dominic's, except darker, and the priests wore brown habits, looking a little like Jedi Knights.) Anyway, the golf course was still there, but there was also a little road where cars were parked. I think it might have adjoined an abandoned swimming pool…. As I write this, all these memories of other dreams are flooding into my mind. Wasn't the pool near the coast, where Santa Monica is supposed to be? Is this the same world I dreamt of, where I drove down the Pasadena Freeway to get to the beach, but instead of Santa Monica, it reminded me more of Moro Bay….?

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Aug 8

Lunacy

OK, so my mind isn’t quite back together yet, but I’m getting there. Really.

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Aug 10

I Bleed Myself Dry

Life is a highway. I want to drive it all night long.

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Aug 15

Metaphysics on a Gloomy Day

The fruits of meditation. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Aug 16

Where is Here?

Nothing is making much sense right now, and yet I’m still hoping for a specific outcome, no matter how far removed from reality it might be. This is where “What-If” leads you if you’re not careful, I suppose.

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Aug 17

Gods and Heroes

Pondering. Relationships. Godhood. Loki. Chaos.

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Aug 17

The Name of Things

Almost ought to count. Because what is “almost” here might just be “reality” somewhere-somewhen else.

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Aug 18

Unreal City

Part I:

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Aug 18

Dreaming

Are you supposed to believe in dreams? Not wishes or hopes or aspirations or anything like that—these are things from the waking world. But actual dreams: the kaleidoscopic menagerie of images running around your subconscious, where disbelief is not only suspended, but quite possibly expelled and turned over to the authorities. Where everything is true, even when it isn’t or can’t possibly be. &ast;sigh&ast;

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Aug 18

Eternal and Stateless (A Tale of Pepcid AC)

Which way to go? Some other random stuff.

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Aug 19

Amnesiac

I’m a reasonable man, get off my case, get off my case, get off my case. Hahahahahaha!!!

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Aug 19

Last Night's Show

It was snowing in August, and my brother and my sister were with me in North Chicago. There was some driving up and down the I-5, and my sister's friend Abigail figured into the picture somehow. Parts of Milpitas flickered in and out. We rode a plane that had to taxi from Sacramento to… somewhere. Maybe Stockton? There was a freeway sign that read US-385 Sacramento. Altogether, it was pretty calming, although I do miss my brother and my sister.

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Aug 19

Life and Limb for a Sausage McMuffin

I got better. The music helps.

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Aug 20

3rd Person Pseudo-omniscient

More random fragments. Somedays I scare even myself.

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Aug 20

Trust

The Cure's Wish is an excellent album for the pining heart. Besides the obvious songs like "To Wish Impossible Things", "A Letter to Elise", and "High", there's this beauty, which is likely to completely unman me if I get drunk enough.

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Aug 22

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Random Chance strikes again. (In the end, I suppose it all evens out, and nothing changes. It sort of frightens me thinking about what sort of horrific situation I’d be in if I didn’t have this meager sort of luck.) If I had met him just a couple of years ago, I would’ve been a writer for sure, damn the consequences.

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Aug 26

The Art of Not Wanting

Soul tripping from a tab of Tao and hit of Te.

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Aug 30

Words Get in the Way

I keep forgetting what I want to do.

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Aug 31

I Wish I Were in Glendale (A Case of Caffeine Withdrawal)

The word for the month: “unsustainable.” I won’t be home for at least another two months. How can I possibly survive without caffeine?

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Sep

Sep 1

Septembers and LotR

Get up, get up—it’s the first of the month…. Memories. From the corner of my mind…. It’s time to read the trilogy again.

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Sep 2

Wizard's School

Ursula K Le Guin. The Wizard of Earthsea. We are living in a postmodern world where everything has already been created, so everything is de facto derivative….

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Sep 2

Freeciv

Study break: half an hour of Freeciv. Half an hour. Sure

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Sep 4

Jedi Mind Tricks

Practicing brinksmanship with myself. (Thoughts of Doomsday Devices and running amok floating through my head.) Freedom is just another word for “nothing to lose.”

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Sep 5

I Dreamt That My Sister Was Getting Married

I dreamt that my sister was getting married, and I couldn't decide what I wanted to wear. The time was running out (the ever ticking clock is a recurring theme in my dreams, and maybe even my life…) and I kept looking in the closet for a tie that I didn't own, and I couldn't get my shirt and my pants to match—I think they may have been changing colors without me realizing it. Then my mom started hassling me about running out of time, and all these depressing thoughts started to fill my head, and I got pissed off and yelled at my mom. And despite the fact that the wedding was within hours, we ended up going to Lake Elizabeth to pick up my aunt and godfather, and it didn't look like we'd make it to the wedding on time. And I remember my last conscious thought before waking up was: "Why can I never make it anywhere on time?"

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Sep 5

On the Edge of Ruin (How The Simpsons Made Me Cry)

I mutter about philosophy and spirituality while the chasm yawns beneath me.

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Sep 8

Unsustainable

An eruption of brain farts. Nothing really interesting today.

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Sep 10

Shape of My Heart

Dropping Bombs. Hit men haven’t gotten time for love anyway.

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Sep 11

September 11, 2001

There are no words I can write. I try reaching down to find something that might give clear meaning, but all I can think of are the thousands of voices silenced forever.

Sep 12

Choose Life

Do the right thing.

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Sep 13

My mind is everywhere. I am trying to find hope. It’s there somewhere, I just have to keep believing.

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Sep 15

Peace on Earth

Venting. Thank God for the sane people in this world.

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Sep 15

The Post-WTC World

What will be written in the history books, I wonder?

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Sep 17

Still Searching for Words

In reality, nothing ever fits right, and the words all come out wrong, but you’ve got to try anyway.

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Sep 19

The Oath

Why I feel the way I feel, right or wrong.

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Sep 22

The Last Day of Summer

The last day of summer always feels so cold.

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Sep 27

Debacle

Self-pity at 4 a.m. Yes, I could’ve gone home, and none of this would’ve ever happened.

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Sep 30

Last Days

More sophistry and philosophy. I guess I really am depressed. ECT, here I come.

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Oct

Oct 1

First of the Month

The surest thing about luck is that it will change.

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Oct 5

Some of My Best Friends are Women…

Let’s just say that it’s been a long week and circumstance has been rapidly draining me of any semblance of optimism. I know that things really don’t change just because you want them to, but it’s not the easiest thing to accept that this is the way things are supposed to be.

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Oct 6

Like the Weather

Sunlight is my bestest friend.

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Oct 7

Nowhere to Run

More Charles Bukowski. I’m running out of words.

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Oct 10

Bits and Pieces

Totally random shit.

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Oct 14

Contractions

Concentric circles. The space gets smaller and smaller, but it’s not bad if you can get used to it.

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Oct 14

Follow that Link

It’s war, and I’m not entirely sure “normalcy” is what we should be seeking. For those who really believe in Freedom, it’s time to get moving.

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Oct 16

And Justice for All?

What date will mark the beginning of the end, I wonder? Do I dare hope that Freedom will once more prevail, and that the Great Experiment will live on?

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Oct 17

Last Night Radiohead Saved My Life (One Thing Leads to Another)

Sleep deprivation and a classic case of flight of ideas. Thank God for Thom Yorke and his merry men.

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Oct 19

High Intensity White Noise (Flight of Ideas)

No I’m not crazy. Yet. God give me strength.

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Oct 22

I Read the News Today, Oh Boy

TV really does rot your brain. Shouldn’t capitalism be subservient to democracy and not the other way around?

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Oct 23

One to Go

To Infinity and Beyond! Get paid for lying in bed for thirty days straight.

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Oct 24

Jack the Ripper

Johnny Depp, laudanum and absinthe, pathology and clinical neuroscience, Freemasonry. It’s got it all.

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Oct 26

I Don't Want No One Minute Blog

I’m done. It’s snowing. I’m outta here.

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Oct 31

Cutting at Oblique Angles (Doing Things the Hard Way)

I like to organize things, even memories, landfill style, one stratum at a time.

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Nov

Nov 1

All Saints

Breasts. Testicles. Electroconvulsive therapy.

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Nov 7

Roads

Journey to the Past.

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Nov 8

Drama and Desperation

Can we say bipolar disorder? So high you can’t get over it. So low you can’t get under it. But I already knew what I needed to know. For some reason I just forgot. Added bonus: a little microbiology lesson.

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Nov 10

Whelm

Neither under or over.

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Nov 15

Brown Buffalo

¡Viva la Revolucion! Mabuhay ang Himagsikan! More and more, I’m believing that we’re fighting a common struggle that transcends race, religion, social class, or whatever axis you want to devise. Are you a cockroach or an exterminator? The conquered or the conqueror? In other words, are you for or against humanity?

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Nov 19