2014
Jan 2014 May 2014 Jun 2014 Jul 2014 Aug 2014 Sep 2014 Oct 2014 Nov 2014 Dec 2014Jan
- Jan 11
- the law of equivalent exchange
The Law of Equivalent Exchange in "Full Metal Alchemist" is really just a reformulation of the First Law of Thermodynamics: matter or energy cannot be created or destroyed. Everything has a price. You cannot create something from nothing. This often leads to the facile interpretation that life is a zero sum game, where one person's loss is another person's gain, and vice-versa.
· Read more… - Jan 15
- dying in the friend zone
How did people get over this? They obviously did. Every day someone fell in love with the wrong person and had to pack up all their fragile, misguided hopes and unwanted affection, and move on.
· Read more… - Jan 17
- ghosts
Well, that was disconcerting. As I was walking Pazzo back to my parents house, I saw a golden animal standing in the middle of the street far down the hill. It then darted to the sidewalk. Pazzo quickened his pace but didn't bark or anything.
· Read more… - Jan 31
- maybe it's enough
I dreamt about a woman whom I've had unrequited feelings for. She was hugging me and telling me that we'd always be friends. In retrospect, it was probably for the best. As if it could've turned out any other way.
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May
- May 2
- still reeling but i'll get over it
"Who would've known how bittersweet this would taste?"
· Read more… - May 19
- Littlefinger and Snape
It's kind of funny how Littlefinger/Sansa works kind of like Snape/Harry Potter if Snape had a creepy and possibly sexual interest in Harry Potter.
· Read more… - May 26
- Puerto Vallarta
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- May 28
- inaccurate rationalizations
Actually, I probably don't need to blame other people's emotionally traumatic experiences for my own pathological avoidant behavior. I've got plenty of emotionally traumatic experiences of my own.
· Read more… - May 29
- message in a bottle
And I thought Bruno Mars was ripping off the Police. Check this out.
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Jun
- Jun 8
- i really should know better by now
My standard excuse is that I wouldn't know what love is if it bit me in the ass, but after all this time and heartbreak, that's not really true. Although I suppose it's not really about recognizing love, but about recognizing that spark that has the potentiality of becoming… something more.
· Read more… - Jun 13
- dilemmas
I'm not really sure which is worse: the pangs of this impossible longing, or the emptiness of knowing there's really nothing left to hope for except the sweet release of death.
· Read more… - Jun 15
- everything happens for a reason but sometimes that reason is i'm stupid and make poor decisions
Who am I kidding? I know what I did wrong
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but my errors are mostly sins of omission rather than commission
chief of which was not answering the call of need, or the call of love, even, perhaps
and snuffing out the embers before they might catch
for unfounded fears of catastrophic firestorms and searing tragedy - Jun 15
- still not still
To know it's possible in a general sense is one thing. To know that this one thing is impossible is another. One of these days, maybe. One of these days it will be right.
· Read more… - Jun 17
- you can't hurry greatness
"A life-changing transformation isn't going to happen in less than a month. Get a hold of yourself." — things I have to remind myself
· Read more… - Jun 17
- broken then bound
My bedroom window looks out west, towards the last glow of the day and to the north lays a valley where chrome streams of cars crisscross the gleaming white concrete slashing through the wind, roaring like the sea lulling me to sleep like the tide crashing upon the sands
· Read more… - Jun 22
- stay with me / I won't back down
It was pointed out to me that "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith sounds like "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty and now I can't keep the two songs separate in my head.
· Read more… - Jun 26
- Sam Smith "Good Thing"
I guess wasn't kidding that this album is basically all about unrequited love. I heard this song for the first time on KCRW last night and just from the lyrics figured out who it was. And I groaned in self-recognition and then laughed hysterically :D (originally posted on Facebook)
· Read more… - Jun 26
- stay with me / I won't back down (addendum)
These two songs have now merged together in my head: "Stay With Me" sounds like "I Won't Back Down" (originally posted on Facebook)
· Read more… - Jun 30
- prophecy
In the silent hours ere the waxing light
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I know I will meet her some day soon
and she will be with me
and I will not remember
what life was like before I met her
But that was just a dream
dissipating in the drear of the morning fog
and the light of day dawns
and I dare not hope
Jul
- Jul 1
- dreaming of morning dew on rose petals
April was the cruelest month
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long buried memories disinterred
like a knife wound to the chest
bittersweetness, chances unfulfilled
time lost to sorrow and despair
and yet there was no chance
time transforms chance to inevitability
all hope is lost
Yet I remain - Jul 5
- advice
It's kind of hilarious how I can freely give people life advice that I'm too cowardly to follow myself.
· Read more… - Jul 29
- summer waning
The end of days
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of summer waning
(the wheel turns and turns)
hoping for all manner of impossible things
hanging suspended at 30,000 feet in the sky
and chasing the fleeting sunlight
Aug
- Aug 5
- Hope is the Only Thing That Will Get Me Through This
This is no way to live: always fearing the future
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Hope is the only thing that will get me through this
unfounded faith better than drifting unmoored
on the uneasy sea where nightmares dwell in the depths
and still I drift - Aug 6
- pause
Thinking about the last three months, it's kind of crazy how much has happened to me.
· Read more… - Aug 7
- Hawaii
· Read more…
- Aug 25
- soul mates
After all this time by myself, I'm fairly certain that the common idea of soul mates is bullshit. If there is such a thing, they are made, not born. You tell yourself a story, weave together a narrative, and you just hope that you meet someone willing to tell a complementary story and that your stories mesh together well. It's not going to be a perfect fit, but you can strive to make it so.
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Sep
- Sep 23
- waves
September is when I set sail
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under duress
amidst the crashing waves of disappointment
driving me far from shore - Sep 24
- recursion
My heart is heavy in a certain way.
· Read more… - Sep 24
- panning for gold
Every day that I survive is a small victory.
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Oct
- Oct 1
- Salvation
…I'm the only one who can save me.
· Read more… - Oct 2
- fate
Lately, though, I can't help but think
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that this is the way things are meant to be
once [the probability wave function collapses][1]
Nov
- Nov 6
- cleaning up a little
Deleted a bunch of spambot comments. It's interesting which posts they've been hammering.
· Read more… - Nov 15
- time traveling
"This weekend left me thinking about the nature of courage: To stay in the fight, even without any hope of winning, and let yourself be destroyed ingloriously? Or to look at the darkness with both eyes wide open, and realize, it's time to let go, there's no point in hanging on and tearing the whole thing down with me? Each to their own, I guess."
· Read more… - Nov 17
- Love and Luck
I love you so much
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And the more I know you
The longer I know you
The more I love you
The more I learn about you
The more I love you - Nov 20
- it's always darkest before the dawn
Hyperbolically speaking, it does seem like things have a tendency to end up working out for me once I've lost all hope #LetItGo
· Read more… - Nov 22
- equilibrium
Only in silence the word
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only in dark the light,
only in dying life:
bright the hawk's flight
on the empty sky
—Ursula K. Le Guin The Wizard of Earthsea - Nov 22
- feelings of inadequacy
Everything that happened had to have happened, because I wasn't enough. Some lessons are hard and painful, but live and learn.
· Read more… - Nov 23
- rewind
It has been more than 14 years since I started writing down my thoughts and posting them. It has only really been in the last year or so that I've chanced to look back and trawl through the vast tracts of ephemera and melodrama. And it occurs to me that I only write here when I am sad and anguished. I rarely write when I am happy and joyful, or if I do, usually it's tempered by melancholy. So these blog posts provide a skewed picture. (Although I haven't really chronicled the grimmest moments, either.)
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Dec
- Dec 11
- tincture of time
still thinking back to those lonely nights
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lying in bed by myself, staring at the shadows
listening to the still silence - Dec 11
- no rhymes, no rhythm
Trawling through my comment spam and finding some old poems
· Read more… - Dec 12
- simple
do you miss those days when I strove to win your heart
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with awkward attempts at making bold gestures?
screwing up all my courage to ask you out
to walk around these city streets
teeming with crowds
but I only had eyes for you
the whole world could've been empty for all I cared - Dec 12
- moments
It's been a while since I was this happy and content. I'm kind of afraid to jinx it.
· Read more… - Dec 16
- stay with me / I won't back down (reprise)
While Sam Smith has figured prominently in my personal internal soundtrack this year ("Latch", "[Good Thing][1]", his cover of Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know?", etc.), other than the generalized vibe of unrequited love, I didn't really feel any direct personal emotional associations with "Stay with Me" (this despite the fact that I included it on a few playlists, although it has since acquired indirect personal emotional associations….)
· Read more… - Dec 19
- something about soulmates again
I don't believe in soulmates. You give and get different things to and from different people; each relationship you have—friendship or romantic—is unique and irreproducible.
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