In the end of it all, I am simply a moron, and I’ve come so close to just accepting it, but foolish, insane pride always gets me to reconsider. I mean, it really didn’t change a damn thing, even with a pretty girl sitting beside me. I don’t even want to give voice to my incredible sense of frustration with myself. I could almost imagine my soul yelling and screaming, pounding at the doors of my heart, only to collapse weeping with despair.

I am still trying to justify it. It was that stupid game in Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn, where the object of the game was not to win, but to make the game last as long as possible, even if it meant losing, which, I suppose, is an incredibly simplistic metaphor for life, and then you start wondering what the point of living that long would be.

I guess it is not for nothing that Lucifer was booted out of heaven for overweening pride. Nobody likes an arrogant asshole. I can almost see it now.

So. The lesson: to abandon pride. Hiya is such a confusing concept [to me], because it is not really just shame or pride. There really is no English translation for it, except maybe the obsolete term of honor which in itself demands a translation. Because the society that values honor is long dust, devolved into [the] murderous criminals of the Mafia. It’s kind of depressing how it would make more sense to trust a hit man than a salesman.

But there is the ridiculous coincidence [from two days ago], brewing and stewing in my brain, and it’s at times like this where I wonder if life isn’t really just some horrific cosmic joke. The lunacy and ludicrousness of it all just really boggles my mind, and I wonder if I should jsut go mad and be done with it.

But, for the pathetic fragments fermenting in my [brain]:

“So would you do it?” [he] asked me out of nowhere, as we went out on patrol again. “Do what?” I demanded, slightly annoyed, because I was pretty sure what he meant, since he’d asked me at least two thousand times already, even though I’d told him not to. “Medial temporal [lobectomy],” he answered simply, with infinite patience.