I have spent the last 80 hours or so without speaking to another soul. (I am not counting buying stuff at the store, or communicating via computer.) I can’t help but wonder if anyone would miss me if I disappeared.

It’s easy to wallow in self-pity, but it’s not pity that I want or need. I just need human interaction. It’s really starting to get to me. I’m wondering how long I can go like this before I really start going crazy—I mean, certifiably loonie, with an indication for admission to the inpatient psych ward.

You know you’re pathetic and lonely when you start wishing that you could hear voices in your head, even if all they’re doing is berating you for how pathetic you are.

The bigger problem, though, is that I don’t want to do a goddamn thing about it. Although I don’t really know if “want” is the right word for it. I mean, sure, part of it is being paralyzed by fear. I’ve spent so much time by myself that I don’t even know what it’s like to have friends anymore. Interacting with people is becoming strange to me, and a little frightening.

I don’t understand where I went wrong. I don’t know why I can’t seem to muster the energy to reach out. Because clearly no one is going to come looking for me.

I realize that I could’ve been dead for three days, and because it was the weekend, no one would know I was gone.

What I wouldn’t do for a chance to start over again. I would be willing to go back all the way to college, even, just to see if I could somehow make things go right for me. Despite the fact that I’ve actually accomplished one thing in my life, I would give it away in a second for a chance to be a normal human being.

I’m really getting sick of this half-life existence. I feel like I’m up against a wall. I don’t really know what to do next. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to accomplish? I feel like I’m just hanging out here gathering dust, and I just don’t want to do anything to help myself.

There is something seriously wrong with me.