Jul 2008
- Jul 2
- mathematical catastrophe, revisited
the slow, legato silence, by intervals, by measures
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frame by frame, ignition, combustion, explosion, boom boom
that's my soul up there, in particles and all aerosolized
like an ashen rain falling upon my haunted visage
I taste the firestorms of the fall, and the endless winter
that followed, on its heels came spring and that harrowing
catastrophic thaw, now the floodwaters crest, come summer
sun burning and my soul withers, my soul crumbles to dust
and still there are no endings, just fraught nerves, the pain reminds
you are still alive, against all reason, beyond all odds
* * * in this echoing silence, I am forced to ask myself,
was this thawing worth the inevitable disaster?
my words unspoken, my song stilled and silent,
already I can see it coming like a wave rushing
washing upon the shore, foaming and spraying, gurgling, roar
on the verge of breaking right upon you, crashing down like
a shattered, suddenly shorn mountaintop, cut down mid-rise.
Are the days awaiting, the nights laying awake, alone
in the cursed glow of the full moon, or the mocking glare of
the shimmering stars or with all the lights in your room lit,
striving in futility because the dark is too much
its unbearable weight crushing you with your self-doubt, your hidden shame
wondering if mistakes were made, or if you failed because you suck
or if you were driven by fate, unable to avert the speeding arrow of time - Jul 3
- winds, tides, luck
The first instinct has always been—will always be—to flee from impending disaster. As far as I can tell, I've played this game as tight, as taut as I might ever play it, given the circumstances, given what shape I'm in, and I really couldn't have hoped for more. It wasn't about not being enough (although that may be true) nor was it about not being true to myself. That's all there is, there ain't no mo'. I've been down this road so many times, the thought of even one more trip makes me utterly sick.
· Read more… - Jul 10
- now?/never?
I'm not really sure if I'm ready to abandon my last blog yet, but I felt like I needed a change of some sort. Actually, I probably need a lot of changes, but we'll start with one at a time.
· Read more… - Jul 11
- Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!
I only had two simple tasks to complete today: complete my MacBook/iPod Touch/Apple Care rebate, and complete my Palm Centro/AT&T wireless rebate. Somehow it happens to be 11:10 p.m. and neither have been done.
· Read more… - Jul 13
- the joy of repetition
I am still waiting for the veritable hammer to fall. I can only expect that it will happen exactly when I'm least expecting it.
· Read more… - Jul 13
- and yet another change
Trying to decide on a Rails-based blog engine/CMS. I wish permalinks were easier to customize
· Read more… - Jul 13
- software release terminology
People shouldn't be mucking around with software release terminology. I just read Rob Diana's rant about the abuse of the term "beta" on the Internet on Mashable! and the terms really shouldn't be as fungible as that.
· Read more… - Jul 14
- there is such a thing as being white
I think Kevin Drum almost gets—but ultimately misses—the point in his brief analysis of an article about Stuff White People Like, a blog that collates different cultural characteristics applicable to the young urban professional white person. What is novel about it is not that it targets a particular demographic that has been depicted by Hollywood as Normal™, but that it explicitly associates this culture with race.
· Read more… - Jul 15
- abandon in place
It's about 3 a.m. and I'm utterly exhausted. I've pushed myself to the brink for no good reason and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not entirely certain what I'm trying to prove here. I try a reconfiguration to see if it will make a difference, and I guess I've proven to myself what she knew all along once upon a time, that my attempts at fixing things end up being mere rearrangements. I don't so much clean as reshuffle. Things move around, but nothing really changes.
· Read more… - Jul 16
- more than a pump/the implementation is important
I'm reading I am a Strange Loop by Douglas Hofstadter right now, which is a sequel to his widely popular book Gödel, Escher, Bach. Hofstadter concerns himself with, among other things, the software of thought.
· Read more… - Jul 17
- emergent phenomenon
I am more at ease with the direction Hofstadter is taking his argument about how the actual architecture of the brain and the actual molecular arrangements of proteins on neurons do not need to be fully explicated in order to at least think about thought processes. This is the same way how you don't really need to know how a microprocessor actually works in order to program it in assembly.
· Read more… - Jul 18
- 15 years of eternal september
Today is September 5435, 1993, according to the Eternal September Date Converter. In honor of 15 years of being September 1993, I think we ought to create a few more cryptically insulting acronyms/initialisms to keep up with the times.
· Read more… - Jul 19
- comic book geography
I find it slightly weird that "Batman Begins" and "The Dark Knight" use Chicago to represent Gotham (while "Superman Returns" uses NYC to represent Metropolis!) I've always associated Chicago with Metropolis, and New York City has been Gotham City long before the Batman was around.
· Read more… - Jul 21
- the past comes bubbling up to the present
Apparently one of my neighbors is either reminiscing about the past, or feeling heartbroken, or both, because he/she was playing this song from TLC from yesteryear:
· Read more… - Jul 21
- don't follow me/i'm lost at sea: a status update
Brand New "Millstone": a punk rock retelling of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
· Read more… - Jul 30
- Chino Hills quake
Now don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of social networks and microblogging/nanoblogging, but I'm not really ready to buy into the hype about the obliteration of traditional media.
· Read more… - Jul 30
- earthquake retrospective
- Jul 31
- the wound
As I sit here procrastinating, irrationally hoping that I can somehow, someday figure out how to stop time, it occurred to me that I will probably never be whole again.
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