I am still waiting for the veritable hammer to fall. I can only expect that it will happen exactly when I’m least expecting it.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to do any more. Friendship is all well and dandy, but no matter how close you are, it will always be eventually eclipsed by romance.

You’ll find that your best friend ain’t quite as available. It’s bad enough when you’re both guys (and both straight.) When there’s a gender mismatch and/or the remotest possibility that someone is harboring unrequited tendencies, every complication seems to get magnified.

I kind of wonder just how many times I’ll need to go down this road in my lifetime. At the very least, it will be a finite number.

The other day I found myself asking myself if it would still be worth going on and living if I knew that this was the best it was gonna get, that’s all there is, there ain’t no mo’. Considering all the sorts of (often self-inflicted) emotional torture I’ve gone through in the past decade or so, I would think that anything would be bearable at this stage. That which doesn’t kill you only delays the inevitable. But the thought of waking up to this loneliness every single day for the rest of my natural life sort of made me hesitate. If I had some sort of time machine and knew that this was going to be my destiny, I think I might be hard-pressed to keep going.