I’ve been living by myself for two years now, and I think it’s starting to wear on my soul. In the past, I’ve at least had roommates (despite the fact that I have wanted some of them arrested and/or shot by the cops) and this ensured a minimal amount of human contact.

The solitude has allowed me to drop my expectations pretty low. In some basic ways, I’ve let myself hit bottom, and no one really gives a shit. I’ve wallowed in my crapulence for months now, and it doesn’t change a thing.

The thing I miss a lot about having regular human contact is being able to bounce ideas off of someone. These days, ideas materialize in my mind, and they either end up on the ether (like this), or sometimes just written down, or, more often than not, they just evaporate. And given the state of things, I have no real feedback about my ideas. No one gives a fuck, really. Is this ludicrous? Does this resonate with the truth? Can I refine this idea and come up with something useful?

What I need is someone to critique my life, either positively or negatively. While I’m not a big fan of negative reinforcement (and find that my performance actually degenerates/deteriorates in the face of getting yelled at and beat down), I appreciate it when people can be honest with me, when they can actually tell me when I’m being a dickhead, and, more importantly, tell me what I can do to stop.

Instead, all I’ve got is my conscience, which I find is sometimes wary about self-judgement, because of past experiences of being too hypercritical, and thereby plunging me into an inexorable spiral of depression. So I find my conscience lets a lot of things slide (mostly for the better) but there are probably a lot of things that I’ve stopped caring about that the average human being would find mildly to moderately important.