tags: grace
1996
November
- 1996 Nov 2
- September
Check it out. I haven't written in this journal for tow months. No better time but now. I'm thinking much too much again, but I suppose that is why I am writing: to rid myself (temporarily) of this madness. I guess I'm taking a mental shit….
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2000
July
- 2000 Jul 21
- Ludicrously Sunny Morning
I feel so subnormal. Abnormal I could handle, but this is a realization that I am not fit to live this life, that I cannot fight, don't even wish to fight, and I'm just waiting for oblivion to swallow my head. More melodramatic bullshit. I don't feel like I can handle a crisis right now. I'm not strong enough to rebuild the walls, not deal with people. Goddamn, why can't I deal with people? This is easily the source of all my problems. I get all achy, shivery, dying. What do I do with people?
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September
- 2000 Sep 13
- 24
I find it somewhat amusing that the first people to wish me happy birthday were N and A.
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2001
September
- 2001 Sep 1
- Septembers and LotR
Get up, get up—it’s the first of the month…. Memories. From the corner of my mind…. It’s time to read the trilogy again.
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October
- 2001 Oct 26
- I Don't Want No One Minute Blog
I’m done. It’s snowing. I’m outta here.
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2002
December
- 2002 Dec 24
- The Christmas Before Last (Do Not Read This If You Want to Be Happy)
Oooh. I am in rare form today. Here’s to the darkness and the never ending void. “Out of doubt, out of dark to the day’s rising/I came singing in the sun, sword unsheathing./To hope’s end I rode and to heart’s breaking….” – J.R.R. Tolkien from The Lord of the Rings
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2003
March
- 2003 Mar 30
- Why Can't My Life Be Simple (Chronic Blogorrhea)
I am so damned tired. I need a vacation. But time waits for no one.
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May
- 2003 May 3
- The Unstuck Piece of Tape (Lysis of Adhesions)
The more things change…
· Read more… - 2003 May 26
- Yesterday
I can’t stay/And keep living this lie/I finally found the strength to say goodbye/I’m on my way/Nothing can change my mind/I’m leaving behind what we had/Yesterday
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June
- 2003 Jun 26
- Tangents (and Still Barely Even Touching Upon It)
This is crazy. This is crazy.
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July
- 2003 Jul 5
- To Live and Die in Chicago
A safe landing. It’s not as bad to be here as I thought.
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September
- 2003 Sep 23
- galileo and the last day of summer
The Galileo space probe meets its end in the atmosphere of Jupiter. The [last day of summer][x1] always leaves me [cold][x2] [x1]: /2001/09/22/the-last-day-of-summer “The Last Day of Summer • 2001 Sep 22 • Foobar” [x2]: /2001/09/30/last-days “Last Days • 2001 Sep 30 • Foobar”
· Read more… - 2003 Sep 25
- insomnia
One of the symptoms of major depressive disorder. Despite the fact that things are going OK, I still can’t seem to pick myself off from the ground.
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2005
January
- 2005 Jan 25
- masochism
On R's advice (as you can see, I am very suggestible), I headed up to the Central Coast and am hanging around Cambria and vicinity (which includes such places as Cayucos, San Simeon, Morro Bay, San Luis Obispo, Atascadero, Templeton, and Paso Robles, among others.) Mostly, I just want to stare at the sea. (There is clearly something very wrong with me.)
· Read more… - 2005 Jan 25
- how the story ends
So I finished reading through most of the e-mail I sent to N when we broke up. It's kind of funny to be reading just half the conversation and yet still getting the full emotional impact without knowing what the response was.
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2006
June
- 2006 Jun 24
- simple pleasures, small magics
Before work today, one of my chief residents was on one of the alternative music stations in town, which was bizarre and very cool. She won an hour to guest DJ and she broadcast her own playlist.
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August
- 2006 Aug 8
- severe brain damage
I don’t know why, but I’ve dreamt of my ex lately. Nothing disturbing, just brief snippets and vignettes.
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September
- 2006 Sep 4
- perpetually courting disaster
The idea was that I was actually going to sleep early today, but somehow that failed to happen. I’m going to try yet again to wake up in time for work, although I’m not all that hopeful.
· Read more… - 2006 Sep 24
- equinox
Summer is officially over (despite the fact that today’s high was 76°F and I went out in shorts and flip-flops) and I can’t help but wonder where all the time went. Of course, I don’t know if it’s an artifact of getting old, but it also seems like it’s about a decade since it was June. (Yeah, I’ve been noticing this strange paradox ever since I started residency. The recent past seems simultaneously like it was just yesterday, and like it was 100 years ago. Go figure.)
· Read more… - 2006 Sep 28
- starlight (continually redshifted)
gonna buy me a spaceship
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powered by dark energy
take me to the outermost reaches
forever chasing infinity
October
- 2006 Oct 13
- no day but today
There are three musicals that I used to know all the lyrics to: “Beauty and the Beast”, “Once On This Island”, and “Rent” Each one encompassed a particular period of my life, and “Rent” reminds me of my junior and senior year in college, especially because my roommate at the time was quite obsessed with it. Being in college, the Bohemian lifestyle, the conflict between making money and making art—these things all resonated.
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November
- 2006 Nov 17
- definitely broken, and unfixable
What is it in me that drives me to wander the empty ether on a Friday night, bereft of companionship? Why is it that I torture my mind with “could’ve beens”? Or worse yet, things that couldn’t’ve possibly ever happened, they were just thin, dry yearnings escaping from the cracks in my soul, as impossible then as they are now.
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2007
February
- 2007 Feb 10
- a summary of the year thus far
A lot of random little things have happened in the past month and a half that have really sent my brain reeling. In some ways, it feels like Christmas was just a little while ago, when I was wallowing in an irrational, meaningless episode of depression, and ever since it’s been an emotional rollercoaster.
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September
- 2007 Sep 5
- no desire
why this dream now,
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disinterring the past
I thought I had buried it deep
buried it well - 2007 Sep 7
- even farther back
1995: Deep wounds. Ugly scars. And then: new, unfounded hopes and unfulfillable wishes. I learn a secret that, in the end, fucks me up bad, but which I am bound by honor to keep. (And would the outcome really have changed if I had betrayed it? Except for the damnation of my soul?)
· Read more… - 2007 Sep 24
- hulogdahon (a brief and fitful storm)
I’ve never been sore from crying before. I mean, literally sore. My recti abdominalis hurt the next morning.
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2008
May
- 2008 May 5
- killing me softly with her song
A little more than a week ago, I watched Lea Salonga perform at Harrah's Rincon.
· Read more… - 2008 May 13
- easier said than done/15 years/too little, too late
I seem to be stuck in a time warp.
· Read more… - 2008 May 15
- infectious diseases and other medical conditions as a source of band names
While I was writing a consult note today, I was highly amused by the word "mucormycosis." There is something lyrical about it's dactyl-trochee stress pattern. "Myxomatosis" (which features most prominently as a Radiohead track from Hail to the Thief) is also a dactyl-trochee combo.
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September
- 2008 Sep 21
- the last day of summer always feels so cold
It's been 8 years since this song was released by The Cure. I remember that the first time I heard it, I felt that it captured perfectly my despair from that moment my heart shattered 13 years ago.
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2010
July
- 2010 Jul 27
- low quality dreams
I've been disappointed at the dearth of dreams I've been having since I watched "Inception". There are only two that I remember. The first one was fairly vague. All I remember is trying to hijack a Final Fantasy-style airship. The second one involved me and my ex from high school in an alternate timeline where we never broke up and we were supposed to go to a wedding that I first assumed was in Las Vegas, given all the casinos and hotels, and the fact that it was the middle of the desert. The only thing that was totally off was the fact that this dream city had a port, and I remember thinking in my dream "When did Las Vegas get a port?" The dream involved searching for a particular book in all of this dream city's bookstores. Yeah, not very exciting.
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2011
October
- 2011 Oct 17
- somehow shifted
Funny how the random function of my iPod can just make my thoughts go "that a way", to steal a turn of phrase. "I See the Light1" from the "Tangled" soundtrack started playing, and I started thinking about fairy tales. There has been much ink spilled and many photons shed about how Disney ruins little girls, but maybe it's not really that gender-specific. While it might be argued that Hollywood in general peddles the pernicious idea of "happily ever after", none of the studios inculcates this idea so universally to people at such a young age.
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2012
May
- 2012 May 20
- some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know it's my own damn fault
I've spent too much time thinking of might-have-beens, of the garden of forking paths, of the paths forever barred to me
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is it a sign that I'm getting old, always looking backward instead of forward, or a sign that I'm still too immature for my age, unwilling to plan for the future, and wallowing in my broken dreams?
2015
October
- 2015 Oct 27
- Perfect Soundtrack for Eternal Longing
It just occurs to me now that Adele would've been the perfect soundtrack for my life from late September 1995 up until very late September 2014.
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2016
June
- 2016 Jun 21
- Screen Time Recommendations
It is difficult and probably impractical to have draconian limitations on screen time, and previous guidelines have been based mainly on passive viewing of TV screens, but I've seen enough kids showing up with back pain and with headaches due to eye strain as well as dry eyes and blurry vision from excessive use of mobile devices, not to mention difficulty with sleep onset, as well as the many adverse effects of being sedentary that it's clear that there should be some limitations.
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