A lot of random little things have happened in the past month and a half that have really sent my brain reeling. In some ways, it feels like Christmas was just a little while ago, when I was wallowing in an irrational, meaningless episode of depression, and ever since it’s been an emotional rollercoaster.

I feel like a spectator in my own life. Most of the events of the past six weeks or so have had their greatest impact not on me, but on those around me. In some ways, I feel like I’m a supporting character on a sitcom, or maybe an unnamed crew member on a Star Trek episode. Most of my life is lived vicariously through other people’s triumphs and defeats. In the meantime, I’m just kind of chugging along and putting in my time.

Believe it or not, this has made me feel quite sorry for myself. While it is inevitable that things will change (for better or for worse), I just feel…I dunno. Stuck, I guess. Sisyphus rolling up that stone.

Part of this is probably because, ultimately, I worry too much, and I can’t seem to stay well anchored in the moment. If I could just stay focused on the here and now, and tend to my garden, I think I would be (mostly) O.K.

Never you mind that I suppose my health is going to shit, but that’s another sad rant entirely, and who wants to live forever anyway?

But. Where do we begin?

What really spun my head around was that my cousin D died a little more than a month ago. She was only 29, married, although no kids. It turns out that she had an underlying medical condition of which I was completely ignorant of, although I’m not entirely sure that it necessarily contributed to her death. Nothing sucks worse than getting a phone call in the early morning telling you that someone you know has died completely unexpectedly. I suppose it troubles me that I’ve been on the other end of the phone, letting people know that their loved ones have just died.

It is, I admit, an irrational guilt.

Then there is the notion that, had I known of her illness, given my particular profession, maybe I could’ve given her some advice. But we all know that that’s a fantasy, and there are just some things that you can’t control.

I suppose this is tied in to my lack of concern about my state of health. I am extremely overweight and am a newly diagnosed hypertensive with an HDL that is dangerously under the target level with a first-degree relative who recently had an MI. I also seem to have depression. (As an aside, statistics say that I am probably more likely to die from suicide than from a heart attack at this rate, but, you know what they say about statistics.)

The fact of the matter is that I feel like I’ve fucked my body up too much to even bother doing anything about it. I kind of hope that there is such a thing as reincarnation and then I can just start all over with a new life and maybe actually eat right and exercise.

When in truth, I know that there’s no such thing as too late. As long as I’m alive (and ambulatory) I suppose I can put some kind of effort into my survival.

It is touching to know that my family worries that I will die prematurely. I’ve harbored this strange fantasy that whatever I do, I’m going to die young, and probably won’t get very far past 50. (Meaning that I am well past half-way with my life as it is.) I don’t know how I came to this conclusion, but I wouldn’t be surprised, especially at the rate I’m going.

Loneliness. Is it really so bad? There are days where I think I’m just drinking too much of society’s Kool-Aid and buying into the whole single-people-are-fucked-up meme. But then there are definitely days where I sit paralyzed and hopeless, feeling completely abandoned and friendless. This whole me-against-the-world business is tiring and, frankly, just plain sucks, and it would be nice to have someone else in my corner, not just cheering me on, but actually tagging in once in a while to save my ass from utmost defeat.

If it’s not meant to be, it’s just not meant to be.

I woke up yesterday with this random sense of urgency because of a demented dream I had. I dreamt that my ex-girlfriend N who is now married had had her first kid and wanted to come visit me and, I don’t know, let me know how happy she was or something, and I remember being kind of depressed about how in many ways my life hasn’t changed in the past 12 years or so. I also found it strange that A was in my dream (and as a little background, I had the most hopeless crush on A back in college before she hooked up with E and eventually married him) and just her presence there gave me a little courage about facing N.

Hearkening to R’s advice once-upon-a-time, I suppose I should be thankful. I’m not in jail. I’m not being tortured and sodomized in some secret CIA prison. I can get food pretty easily. I’m not being shot at. I have shelter. I’m a (theoretically) functioning, contributing member of society. I’ve got family friends who will help me out when I’m truly and utterly screwed.

What more can a human being really ask for, right?

Validation and a sense of self-worth are, when you get right down to it, luxuries that not all of us are lucky to attain, I suppose.

Here’s to impossible dreams, and forever chasing starlight.