the last day of summer always feels so cold
It’s been 8 years since this song was released by The Cure. I remember that the first time I heard it, I felt that it captured perfectly my despair from that moment my heart shattered 13 years ago.
Nothing I am
Nothing I dream
Nothing is new
Nothing I think or believe in or say
Nothing is true
It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah, it used to be so easy…
But the last day of summer never felt so cold
The last day of summer never felt so old Never felt so…
All that I have
All that I hold
All that is wrong
All that I feel for or trust in or love
All that is gone
It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah, it used to be so easy…
But the last day of summer never felt so cold
The last day of summer never felt so old
The last day of summer never felt so cold
Never felt so…
It seems like that moment has reverberated through space and time. Every defeat I’ve endured since seems to be an echo of that fatal moment. A reminder that, emotionally speaking, I’m crippled. An emotional amputee. Nothing has ever seemed right since. These days it’s easy for me to feel sorry for myself, and it’s hard not to be disappointed at how little progress I’ve made, and how little hope there seems to be in the future. I don’t begrudge anyone their happiness, but it just seems like everyone else has gotten a “happily ever after” ending except me.
Such is fate, I guess. How emo is that?
Great heroes need great sorrows and burdens, or half their greatness goes unnoticed
Or some such bullshit. Maybe I never had a choice, a chance to defy my destiny. Actually, in some cases, I’ve known from that start that I didn’t have a chance, and yet I still boarded those trains and rode them as they smashed directly into brick walls.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I give up on this. I know I’ve said it before, and it has never dissuaded me from pursuing predictable disaster, but I’m done. It’s just time to accept that there are certain things in life I will never experience, to deal with that hard fact, and move on.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.