why this dream now,
disinterring the past
I thought I had buried it deep
buried it well

septembers are haunted with heartache

15 years ago,
my soul was stricken with longing
(and I think I do regret it
it doomed my soul
cracked it into pieces in the end
I am still gathering all up
despite knowing it cannot be mended)
this mistake that was a precursor to my doom
my ill-fate
(the stars were awry
the auguries were ill-omened)

12 years ago,
the pall of autumn fell upon me
my sight darkened
I remember swimming in dark currents
wishing that the darkness would take me
would end the wrack and ruin
the abysmal disaster that was my soul
oh, I remember wishing that the pain would stop
and still it kept coming
no matter how quickly I ran
the darkness was at my heels
and I was lost
and even the thousand fingers of God Herself
could not keep me from falling

10 years ago,
I bared my soul to her
for a split second
(coming out of left field
unexpected
unlooked for
unwanted
and even writing that word down
makes my heart ache)
and seeing that I was doomed
I covered it all up again
pretended I had said nothing
and cast myself into a sea of doubt

and still the sea would not take me
(I am running out of breath
and even now the anguish flows through me
like an electrical current
immolating me
but not killing me)

9 years ago,
in darkling shadows
in the murk of broken dreams
in the dust of the debris of my wishes, my hopes
I gazed at the Lonely Mountain
upon which sat the sentinels of Night
alone amidst 3 million souls
I wandered
(still wandering)
and home was no shelter
only a monument to my failures
my defeat
my folly
cursed
and stricken dumb

8 years ago, exiled by Fate
taking the road that I was doomed to follow
(and just when I think I couldn’t possibly be more alone
Destiny deems it fit to strike yet another blow)
doubt and despair
drowning me

6 years ago,
the world that we knew
ended in cataclysm
wounding the city between the two rivers
scarring the earth and the sky
and though thousands died
it was but a harbinger of the deaths
of a thousand more
in the pointlessness of a war with no enemy
unless you count ourselves

4 years ago,^1,2,3 I tried to pretend
that I belonged
I tried to pretend
to live the life that had been denied me
the path I would never take
the happiness that I would never experience
and even though they were just reflections
just silhouettes
illusions
distant shadows
it was enough
it was something
but all illusions end
the glamor dispelled
and I fled once again
still wounded
but so far from death
and the fires burned all around me
like the second circle of Hell
or perhaps the sixth
condemned for my heresies
my blasphemy
my lack of faith

Two years ago,
hope sprung quickly
only to be trampled again
and only emptiness followed
and vain musings
(and just when I thought about how little hope I had
even then, Fate would steal it away from
leaving me begging on the streets)

One year ago,
my courage had failed me completely
and I could not dare
stifled, stymied, still
and what little hope I had left
fluttered away
lost in a haze of fading memory
and I dare not even wonder
and I dare not try and remember
the melody of a song
the rhyme of the lyrics
like sharp barbs that can still stab me in the heart
still make me bleed
(though I thought my heart had turned to stone long ago
crystallized, desiccated
dead
and still I go on living)

So my soul quivers in fear
what this September might bring
the shadows of the past come back to haunt me
oh let me lie still, just still, unmoved, unmoving
if contentment is beyond my grasp
if happiness is a vain ambition
at least let the torment end