I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and turning every which way. Maybe it’s because of not taking my medication until mid-day. Maybe it’s the smoke in the air. Maybe it’s the fact that there are a lot of things I need to get done that I haven’t yet done.

But most likely, it’s the fact that I have an endpoint in mind, but I have no idea how to get there.

For me, happiness has always meant something in the future.

I have been meaning to read my tarot cards for some time now, but I have been hesitant. I wonder if Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle applies to the occult? I’m afraid that the very act of reading my cards will change my destiny.

Of course, I don’t believe in destiny. That is, perhaps, the root cause of my sleepness nights. I just get locked into the classic existential dilemma, with the knowledge that whatever I do now will propagate itself into the future, often in spectacularly unexpected ways. Emergent behavior. Yay.

Why can’t I set my heart on a possible thing?

In the end, I just need to get my shit together, to not worry about what hasn’t happened yet, and to be happy now instead of procrastinating like I always do.