I don’t know why, but I’ve dreamt of my ex lately. Nothing disturbing, just brief snippets and vignettes.

It’s been a good ten years since we were dating, and she’s married now, and we still speak/e-mail each other now and again, although I suppose not really that often. The relationship ended rather disastrously, what with her cheating on me and all. It was a good three years or so before I would even talk to her again—she was pretty distraught with me disappearing from her life like that, and she was pretty persistent in trying to re-establish contact. The thought of getting back together with her did enter my mind once or twice, but quickly went back out again. Sure, she had changed, she wasn’t the same person who had ruined my heart, but after getting burned pretty badly, it’s hard to trust fire again.

In any case, she met other people, hooked up, fell in love, whatever, and then met the man she was going to marry. I think I may very well have been one of the people who convinced her that the guy really deeply loved her. I even showed up to their wedding reception. I was a little surreal, but whatever. I ran into people I hadn’t seen in forever, and my oldest friend in all the world was there as well.

But, looking back at these past ten years, I can’t help but feel like the experience wrecked me pretty badly emotionally. It would be unfair to blame her. In retrospect, we were just kids, and shit like this happens all the time. Thems is the breaks.

But I think I have a pretty hard time trusting people. I often unfairly assume that they are going to let me down, so I prepare for it, and don’t expect things from others. It keeps me emotionally safe, but it also has kept me kind of excruciatingly lonely.

How does one learn to trust again, I wonder?

I think the answer is to just take a chance. There’s that quote that I like from Henry Stimson, FDR’s Secretary of War, that goes something like, the only way to make someone trustworthy is to trust them.

Sadly, however, this is not very unlike telling a near-drowning victim that the only way to get over their fear of water is to jump right into the deep end.

Damn. Ten years is a long time. And it’s only getting longer. Ah well, there are worse things in life than being alone.