themes: lost at sea
1999
July
- 1999 Jul 19
- The Open Seas
Since this is the beginning of my self-imposed exile, I thought I’d transcribe it.
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September
- 1999 Sep 7
- The Summation of All Consequences
The HTML is, in some sick way, slow. Perhaps I HAVE learned to write faster than I type. I don't know why I delude myself (on several levels at once, no less), thinking that somehow I'll resolve this madness by writing it all down, but I suppose I will know the summation of all consequences on, of all days, my birthday. Yes, all my questions will be asnwered, and I will be free to plot my course in as haphazard a manner as I might like (assuming the worst. It's easier that way.)
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2000
December
- 2000 Dec 14
- Flying Somewhere Over Arizona
[I am guessing what time it really is.] I am suddenly inspired by Borges and by Radiohead (I [am in] love [with] their song "Idioteque"). It is troubling that my life only became bearable when I [started fantasizing that] I was dying [from an indolent disease with a protracted course of illness] (although we [really] are all dying….) This allowed me to rest my mind and actually go to sleep content. I imagined the lengthy doctor's visits and hospital stays, [spending my last days] tramping throughout the countryside, and maybe to the Old World. Give me an excuse to visit Rome and London. And I would write. How joyous that would be! But this is only assuming that my insurance would pay. I would hopefully get to die in a morphine haze.
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2001
December
- 2001 Dec 8
- insomnia
Deep, depressing thoughts at 4:30 a.m.
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2002
May
- 2002 May 18
- but now what?
I know I was supposed to learn something from this, but I can’t for the life of me figure out exactly what.
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2003
September
- 2003 Sep 24
- i think there's something wrong with me
Any moment of triumph crumbles quickly into despair. This may very well kill me some day.
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2005
May
- 2005 May 2
- what are words for? (before the tangent)
OK, I got distracted there from what I was trying to say. The reason why I scraped this fragmented lyric from the inside of my brain is because I am musing on something a girl once wrote me, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
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2007
April
- 2007 Apr 13
- no beats. no rhymes. just words.
There is a song in here somewhere
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caught in the convolutions of my heart
the tortuous paths, the cliffdrops, the lonely summits
the bitter abysses, this vast desert of ruin
This wasteland of decay - 2007 Apr 19
- thoughts unbidden
Too late, I cry, remembering time past, running through shadows
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echoes of ten thousand lives criss-crossing, folding, twisting, bending
In their wake, I am forsaken
Amidst the jetsam and flotsam of plans gone awry
(and still somehow I made it to land,
even now I make plans and grand schemes
to sail forth from this benighted isle
June
- 2007 Jun 3
- A generalized sense of madness
I can tell you, working nights is not particularly conducive to mental well-being. Especially when nearly everyone you meet is somewhat insane as it is, and a good number of them are just completely crazy.
· Read more… - 2007 Jun 12
- endings (a conversation continued)
June. Before the solstice and the fading of the sunlight. The beginning of summer is always the ending of another year. Another epoch. As usual, I am always facing the brink of time alone, each time finding myself further and further from civilization. (A voice cries out in the wilderness.) The exile has never ended. I’ve lost any hope of finding a distant shore. Like The Flying Dutchman denied from mooring at any port, I am forced to sail on, sail on.
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2008
January
March
- 2008 Mar 9
- folly
cracked, but still I've got to keep it together
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time out of joint, the sunlight seeps through the window pane
am I coming or am I going
hope is like a little gnat, biting and buzzing
that I can never swat away.
April
- 2008 Apr 13
- here
my heart misgives me
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and yet this vigil I must keep
through the long dark night alone I gaze upon the stars
May
- 2008 May 4
- at the edge of the sea
there is no one left in the world
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that i can hold onto
there is really no one left at all
there is only you
and if you leave me now
you leave all that we were
undone
there is really no-one left
you are the only one
—"Trust" by the Cure - 2008 May 13
- time/chance
15 years: 5,480 sunsets
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the days spin by, the hours whirl
blurring into infinity
and I can't remember where I've been
nor all the answers that I figured out
falling out of my hands
scattered wildly like spilled grain
as I was, so I will be
upon this path to nowhere
to anywhere
July
- 2008 Jul 3
- winds, tides, luck
The first instinct has always been—will always be—to flee from impending disaster. As far as I can tell, I've played this game as tight, as taut as I might ever play it, given the circumstances, given what shape I'm in, and I really couldn't have hoped for more. It wasn't about not being enough (although that may be true) nor was it about not being true to myself. That's all there is, there ain't no mo'. I've been down this road so many times, the thought of even one more trip makes me utterly sick.
· Read more… - 2008 Jul 15
- abandon in place
It's about 3 a.m. and I'm utterly exhausted. I've pushed myself to the brink for no good reason and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not entirely certain what I'm trying to prove here. I try a reconfiguration to see if it will make a difference, and I guess I've proven to myself what she knew all along once upon a time, that my attempts at fixing things end up being mere rearrangements. I don't so much clean as reshuffle. Things move around, but nothing really changes.
· Read more… - 2008 Jul 21
- don't follow me/i'm lost at sea: a status update
Brand New "Millstone": a punk rock retelling of "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
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October
- 2008 Oct 11
- at odd hours
It's a terrible thing, not being able to sleep. Tonight is the second night I've woken up around 2 a.m. in a semi-panic, not knowing where I was or how soon I had to get to work. And I don't know what's worse, the initial disorientation, or the coming to terms with hard reality.
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December
- 2008 Dec 29
- the open sea
Surprisingly, there have been moments where I realize that being lost at sea isn't necessarily the most terrible thing in the world.
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2014
September
- 2014 Sep 23
- waves
September is when I set sail
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under duress
amidst the crashing waves of disappointment
driving me far from shore
2016
August
- 2016 Aug 2
- Upside Down
ﾐA彡 and I finished "Stranger Things" last night, and one of the things that arrested me in the last episode was a song by Moby:
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