Dec 2000
- Dec 1
- Little Confessions
I'm letting myself slip again, letting much too much time pass between these little confessions. I was trying to go to sleep, as this raging headache abates, and I probably would have succeeded if the phone did not ring, pushing my sweet subconscious thoughts to the foreground.
· Read more… - Dec 2
- Finals Impending
I am sick of anatomy and histology
· Read more… - Dec 5
- Revelation
It figures that just when I'm about to write down an important revelation, something comes up. So let's see if I can catch what I was talking about.
· Read more… - Dec 5
- Colder than Hell
I really miss the sun.
· Read more… - Dec 6
- Cigarettes and Snowflakes
Would you trust a doctor who doesn’t care about his health?
· Read more… - Dec 13
- Democracy is Dead
It’s time to leave the country.
· Read more… - Dec 14
- The Death of the American Dream
When I took A.P. U.S. History in high school… I learned about the crooked ways of the Republic. I learned that for the most part, the prosperity of this country is owed to the unthanked labor and often the death of the oppressed, starting with the poor ignorant English folk who came as indentured servants, starving to death at the hands of gentleman-adventurers who dreamt big but did little actual work. But the Native Americans are [the most obvious] first victims of the nascent Imperial onslaught… [starting with] the diseases the filthy Europeans had brought over, and… the depradations of… imperial Spain. The English did not become numberous enough to challenge the Natives for a while, although, I must say that it didn't take long for treaty-signing and subsequent backstabbing to become standard policy. After that came the despoilment of Africa….
· Read more… - Dec 14
- The Fall of the Republic: A Requiem for American Democracy (fragment)
Do you believe the ghosts of your slaves have forgiven you?
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Though you had unshackled chains after much blood had been shed, still there is a mountain to climb - Dec 14
- Trying to Write Out My Bitterness
I am trying to write out all the bitterness lying in my heart. I feel all of the sudden as if I have nothing to believe in. My faith in God and country has been shorn. I feel as if I have no allies, and am completely surrounded by enemies, who would use me as a servant, then scron me, with no reward for my loyalty. I feel like Diogenes carrying a lantern, still searching for that honest man. I knew from the start that such a quest was futile, but five years ago, I did not mind futility. Don Quixote was my hero, and I longed to emulate him, for what is a knight-errant for, but for the undertaking of futile quests? But it is a lonely life. I have no Sancho Panza patiently following me into madness, reeling me back to reality at the last moment. I am merely a dying thing, cold and afraid, and hungry. Yearning. That is the word, and what it is I yearn for I do not know.
· Read more… - Dec 14
- Flying Somewhere Over Arizona
[I am guessing what time it really is.] I am suddenly inspired by Borges and by Radiohead (I [am in] love [with] their song "Idioteque"). It is troubling that my life only became bearable when I [started fantasizing that] I was dying [from an indolent disease with a protracted course of illness] (although we [really] are all dying….) This allowed me to rest my mind and actually go to sleep content. I imagined the lengthy doctor's visits and hospital stays, [spending my last days] tramping throughout the countryside, and maybe to the Old World. Give me an excuse to visit Rome and London. And I would write. How joyous that would be! But this is only assuming that my insurance would pay. I would hopefully get to die in a morphine haze.
· Read more… - Dec 21
- Sunny California
A pleasant respite. I’ve forgotten about unicorns. Bill Gates can suck my…
· Read more… - Dec 22
- The Legacy of the Matrix
Re: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” . I can’t believe Ang Lee directed “Sense and Sensibility”
· Read more… - Dec 24
- Cold
Dead, maybe? Terminally ill perhaps? Or just sleeping, smouldering like the last embers of a fire. I'm still waiting, waiting for that breeze to kick up. Let the flames blaze up again.
· Read more… - Dec 25
- Holly Jolly
Christmas is overrated. Jesus would be rolling in his grave if he knew I was in Vegas on his birthday. If he hadn’t been resurrected. And if he wasn’t omniscient.
· Read more… - Dec 31
- Sadness
I am sad, sad, sad, and maybe it's the SAD bearing down on me, or maybe it's the ending of a year without much to show for it. I feel like I've been preparing to go down the Road forever, too afraid to take that first step, and when I finally [do it], I keep running back home, even though home doesn't [really] exist now, it's something I have to build, but the amount of work required is daunting.
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