mahiwaga

I'm not really all that mysterious

tags: whining

2006

March

Man, this totally sucks. It’s 1:30 a.m. and I can’t get to sleep. Of course, this means that now I am screwing around with the new blogging engine. As you can tell from the header, things aren’t exactly fixed quite yet, and probably won’t be ~~tonight~~ this morning unless I decide not to sleep at all.

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2006 Mar 23

desperation and despair

Reading random blog posts, I find this sentence incredibly sad:

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2006 Mar 31

Now I know that there are plenty of months that have 31 days in them, but for some reason, March seemed unbearably long. I don’t know if it’s simply the fact that it’s Lent and like the good brainwashed Catholic that I am, I feel like I’ve been sent into exile to the Desert, bandying words with the Devil himself.

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April

on the nature of loneliness

In the sad, sorry state that I am currently in, I can’t help but wonder if loneliness is in fact a cumulative thing.

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on the nature of fear

I think I just realized that it’s not the loneliness itself that’s getting me down. It’s the fact that I’m starting to dread the future. I can’t get rid of this idea that I’m on this doomed path that’s leading to nowhere, and that things are at best going to remain forever unchanged and unchanging until I die, but more likely, things are going to get worse.

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2006 Apr 21

meaning (and the lack thereof)

So I should know better than to write when I am intoxicated, but I don’t know, I’m overcome once again by this sense of numbness. What does any of this matter?

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2006 Apr 23

I foolishly decided to take a nap at 6:45 p.m., but my alarm failed to go off, so I didn’t wake up until 10:30 p.m., which is a shame, because I had intended to go to the bookstore. Ah well.

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2006 Apr 26

from the ground up

On one of my therapeutic albeit expensive trips to the bookstore, I was arrested by a book entitled Undoing Depression. What I found unique (in comparison to the many books about depression that I have browsed through) is that the author writes as someone who simultaneously helps other people with their depression, being a psychologist. At the same time, he is dealing with his own problem. He is a fellow sufferer, and yet he does have some practical suggestions that might help. It’s a lot more cheering than various books that describe the author’s depression simply from the point-of-view of suffering (and on occasion, overcoming it.) Mainly, this is because the author has the other perspective of taking care of people who are depressed. And it works better than all those books written by people who may never have been depressed. While they say things that are really no different than what the author of this book says, the fact that they don’t identify as a sufferer of depression makes it, I think, harder to swallow. But maybe that’s just me.

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2006 Apr 28

words and nothing more

I am reading a book whose main character is a linguist, so I can’t help but ponder the use of words. What is language for, really? If not for connection?

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May

2006 May 12

I’ve thought once or twice about how pretentious it is to quote yourself, but I like these paragraphs I wrote a few years back:

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2006 May 20

i was less anxious when i was nihilistic

In the aftermath of September 11, I actually don’t think I was as afraid of world destruction as I was when the Cold War was still going on. I remember having recurring nightmares about nuclear holocaust. What has especially haunted me since I was a little kid is that image of Hiroshima where people’s shadows were blasted permanently into the walls, the only thing really left of them. It gives me the willies.

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2006 May 22

the line between “different” and “truly abnormal”

I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now. I suppose I am reacting mostly to this blog entry by a 4th year medical student somewhere out in the Midwest discussing his current situation vis-a-vis women (in general, as a demographic constituency, rather than specifically.)

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2006 May 23

when the evening falls

The problem with all this is that all good things must come to an end. At least for me. I feel like for normal, well adjusted souls, they are able to weather the changing tide. Me, I get sucked into the riptide, then spat up again onto the rocky, unforgiving beach.

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2006 May 23

I don’t know. Maybe I just like misery. Lest my last post mislead you, nothing terrible is happening right now. It’s just this feeling of evanescence that is haunting me. I’m too content these days, and I worry that there’s something horrific awaiting me in the days to come.

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2006 May 24

normalcy (whatever that means)

Despite my rhetoric of never wanting to fit in, of always wanting to be strikingly unique, of striving to stand out, to make my own unique mark on the world, I am burdened by evolutionary baggage. Like it or not, human beings long to belong. To be one of the tribe.

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2006 May 31

the universal solvent

It’s amazing how much more relaxed you can feel after downing enough tequila amongst friends while watching the sunset at a bar overlooking the ocean. Life has been good. I wish I didn’t have to go back to an 80 hour work week come Friday.

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June

2006 Jun 24

songs for another journey on my own

I immediately hearken to “10:15 Saturday Night” by The Cure, although I’ve long stopped waiting for the telephone to ring. It seems that that long, dark tea-time of the soul hits me long before Sunday, and it’s kind of sad that I’ve forgotten how to enjoy a weekend on my own.

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July

2006 Jul 10

self-annihilation is painless

Nothing like Radiohead to give you a sense of futility and meaninglessness.

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2006 Jul 28

no man is an island

I think back upon this past spring, when my world contracted upon itself, and I couldn’t keep the darkness back, and how all I could do was hang on and hide in my cocoon.

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2006 Jul 28

hope, and force of will

The problem with me is that as soon as the going gets tough, I start having serious self-doubt. Now, granted, there are a lot of things in life that I am bad at (normal human socialization being one of them), but for the most part, I hold up the illusion of being a functional member of society pretty well. Sure, as soon as the shit hits the fan, I typically want to hide under my bed and cry, but luckily I’m a masochist, and tend to take fallout head-on, right in the kisser.

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2006 Jul 31

Another month gone, and we enter the final full month of summer, and I can’t help but wonder where my peace and clarity has gone. A month ago, you would not find me in this state, longing for things that cannot possibly be, pining and hopeless.

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August

a meditation on why things fall apart

After work today, I went to the Coffee Bean to get some caffeine because of my impending caffeine-withdrawal headache. I basically spent the time sipping on my ice-blended caffeine drink and scrawling depressing passages into my notebook. Man, I’m on fire these days.

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mistakes have been made

What I probably shouldn’t have done was drink three shots of espresso in addition to the Extreme Black Forest ice-blended caffeinated drink from Coffee Bean. This makes it highly unlikely that I will be sleeping any time within the next twelve hours.

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dance of the macabre: is it cause or is it effect?

As I sit here typing this early morning—it’s just me and my ever-faithful dog awake—I think I’ve figured out one of the key components of my ongoing depression. The fact of the matter is that I don’t have much hope for the future. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you all the fucked up shit going on in America today—the country that I live in seems to be the greatest force of evil these days.

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seven years (not in tibet)

(I was thinking of the city of Lhasa this morning as I contemplated my dog, who is a Lhasa Apso-something else. I also thought of the cheery thought my sister shared with me a while ago: you know how we’re fighting wars for oil these days? She predicts that the next natural resource we’ll be fighting wars for will be water. Specifically, as the Himalayan snowpack starts to melt because of global warming, India and China will be forced into a standoff over water rights. I also think that contention over water rights will be the single most important factor driving the politics of California in the next few years. But that is neither here nor there.)

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severe brain damage

I don’t know why, but I’ve dreamt of my ex lately. Nothing disturbing, just brief snippets and vignettes.

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2006 Aug 11

self-improvement is masturbation

Neuron by neuron, we are taking the centers out. What I would give to have this as permanent, this not giving a shit about the world. OK, maybe I exaggerate. Even as drunk as I am, I have misgivings.

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September

fearing tomorrow

I don’t know if there was ever a time when I looked forward to the future. Some of this is probably depression clouding my mind, by I remember quite early on in my life that I was afraid of building for the future. As early as elementary school, I was always afraid that Reagan would press the shiny red button and effectively erase history, but somehow, it never happened. Among other things, I am afraid of falling in love, because love can always be lost. I am afraid of bringing a child into this world, because the world is such a fucked up place run by clearly evil human beings. I am afraid of trying to succeed, because there are always fuckwits out there who have nothing better to do than to see you fall on your ass, and point and laugh. And I am afraid of trying to succeed, because, ultimately, human beings tend to be selfish, and however noble my intentions are, they will likely fuck someone else’s life up, and the only rational thing for them to do is oppose me.

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I stopped to think about all the people I know who are married or are in fulfilling romantic relationships, and I realize that I’m jealous, but what are you gonna do. If it’s not going to happen, it’s not going to happen, and I’ll slog on by my lonesome, trying to keep fighting the good fight.

trying to snap out of it

The thing that I’ve been mulling over is the fact that there have been so many Septembers in the past where I’ve been ever hopeful, with the intent of making a change in my life. And while I know it would be hard to convince many of you, there have been times that I’ve actually acted upon this impulse, only to be rebuffed, or even worse, only to be faced with puzzled indifference.

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perpetually courting disaster

The idea was that I was actually going to sleep early today, but somehow that failed to happen. I’m going to try yet again to wake up in time for work, although I’m not all that hopeful.

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2006 Sep 12

the last few moments of this particular age

So here I am, the last hours of my 20s, and there are no answers, really.

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October

2006 Oct 14

The notion of sacrificing your life for others, embedded in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, closing paralleling the New Testament, brings to mind what I find to be a viable adaptionist claim: that some individuals need to die for the good of others in the same genetic pool, which is probably pretty harsh if you happen to be that individual so chosen by selection pressure.

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December

2006 Dec 16

an addendum to serious brain damage

(In reference to how seriously fucked-up I am.)

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2006 Dec 19

life, death, trifles, and the fading sunlight

I read an intern’s blog post about a patient dying, and it sort of recentered me.

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2006 Dec 23

I think, I hope, that it’s just the darkness that’s killing me. About an hour after the sun went down, I had to put my head down. I don’t know what I want to do. I can’t deal with all this free, empty time. I can’t even think crazy thoughts any more. I’m just…spent. I don’t know how else to put it.

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2006 Dec 31

I don’t know if it’s just the anhedonia, or if things have just become increasingly meaningless lately. So it’s 2007, and the new year doesn’t really feel all that new.

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2007

January

2007 Jan 27

I find myself asking this question right now, and it’s tearing the already tattered remnants of my soul to microscopic shreds:

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2007 Jan 30

I just don’t know anymore.

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February

generalized malaise and fatigue

Oh man, now I’m sick. Fevers. Chills. The whole nine yards. It’s probably viral, so all I can do is wait it out. Meanwhile, I’ve been sleeping about 16 hours a day. I’ve still been going to work, so that means that as soon as I get home, I crash out, only to wake up again and drag myself out of bed to go back to work. Fun times.

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March

2007 Mar 20

I think it’s just a matter of time before reality decides to bite me in the ass. I’ve been skating by these past few weeks, trying to desperately catch up on some direly needed sleep, and failing to do so. Tomorrow I am once again on call, and I know for a fact that I’m never going to shake this damned cold. And sadly, my next full weekend off isn’t for another week and a half.

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2007 Mar 27

motivation and the lack thereof

I just can’t seem to get out of bed these days. Luckily I don’t have to be in at work until 1 p.m., but still. I went to sleep at 11:30 p.m. last night and didn’t wake up until 10 a.m.

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2007 Mar 30

the lesser of two evils?

What my psychiatrist noted is that maybe this whole unrelenting fatigue thing is simply the fact that I’d managed to vanquish most of my anxiety and now lack the impetus of fear to keep me awake and toiling. Seriously, I’m not having any more visceral symptoms of anxiety and my depression is much better controlled.

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April

euphemisms and ridiculous tangents

None of my own inner demons have anything directly to do with Nic’s blog post about how nice guys finish last, but the opening quote reminded me of the dead-end lifestyle I’ve been leading for the last decade or so.

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2007 Apr 10

problems with sleep-onset

I stupidly drank some Vietnamese iced coffee about 3 hours ago, and I’m wired and jittery and all over the place. I have to wake up in less than 6 hours to get ready for work.

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May

early morning awakening

I’m not quite certain what compelled me to get out of bed at 4:45 a.m. I didn’t even set my alarm. Supposedly, early morning awakening is one of the cardinal signs of depression. Meaning I still haven’t beat this disease.

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definition of insanity

Listening to: “Only Love Can Break Your Heart” by St. Etienne

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they can always hurt you more

(quoth the Fatman: the 8th law from The House of God)

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2007 May 11

happiness, the continuing elusiveness of

Now I realize that happiness in of itself is a rather empty goal, reserved for victims of unusual strokes, the congenitally mentally incapacitated, and the clinically deranged. You lesion a few tracts in your brain, and you can be permanently happy until your dying day, singing “zippy-de-doo-da” out of your asshole, your face guaranteed to freeze with a rictus grin. I can see it now, a corpse grinning maniacally in his/here casket.

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2007 May 12

Well that was unsatisfying.

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2007 May 12

The question is: what the fuck were you expecting?

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2007 May 12

Well, here I am, moderately hung-over, not only listening to an owl hooting continously, but someone also decided to blast some rock en español. At freaking 6 a.m. So now I am awake, and I can’t get back to sleep. Wonderful.

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June

2007 Jun 20

little thoughts

This week is starting to really get to me. I only have to work for two more nights before I get a weekend.

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2007 Jun 29

oh my adrenal glands

I feel utterly tired and spent. I have spent the last two weeks living an unnatural existence, forced to try to sleep during the day and stay awake at night. I can almost imagine my adrenal glands screaming, trying to pump out enough cortisol and epinephrine to keep me from crashing. After my last shift tonight, I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up sleeping until Monday.

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July

I would say that it’s a sense of foreboding, but I don’t want it to all negative like that.

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Maybe I just need to get into a rhythm. Usually I look forward to the summertime, never mind that I rarely get time off anyway. But I just feel, I dunno, bleh.

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October

rehab (even amy winehouse had to go)

OK, I’m not talking about my drug problems. I’m talking about the terrible shape my body is in.

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2007 Oct 14

hypochondriosis

You would think that being a trained medical professional would make me immune to supratentorial disorders.

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2008

March

2008 Mar 12

the long stretch

Man, I thought I was done with these. I don't have another day off until nine days from now, and I'm already exhausted. I ended up being stuck at work until 7:45 p.m. today. I knew I should've just gone home and gone to sleep, but instead I went to Tommy's and had a chili burger, which guarantees that I'm going to have a rough night of GERD symptoms. So I'm trying to postpone that moment of lying down supine.

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June

2008 Jun 12

Well this is pleasant.

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2008 Jun 12

loneliness vs heartbreak

The unholy combination of Twitter, Google Reader, and raging insomnia brings me to this blog post about weighing the pain of loneliness vs the suffering of heartbreak. I kind of wonder if it just isn't the distinction between chronic disease and acute disease. Isn't loneliness just a more diffuse, protracted form of heartbreak? Loneliness is what heartbreak turns into, given enough time.

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2008 Jun 22

It's terrible, really. Times like these, when it's sunny and calm and blissful and quiet, is when I worry the most.

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2008 Jun 24

worn down to little bits and pieces

It is weird to observe new beginnings without actually being part of it. Like when A+E first got together, for example.

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August

I haven't been able to shake this feeling that nothing is right with my world. Everything is in chaos. And everything I try to do to fix it ends in stagnating failure.

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2008 Aug 10

charm (and my appalling lack thereof)

There is a woman whose name I don't even know for which I have this desperate, raw attraction to. I see her from time to time, as we occupy opposite ends of an extremely large social millieu, as friends of friends of friends of friends. I don't know what it is about her, but I find my eyes wandering toward her if I don't monitor myself, even as she's hanging on the arm of some guy. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've never had an attraction like this before.

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2008 Aug 20

not in this timeline

a phantom lifestyle imagined by my fevered mind where there would be someone at home who would wish me luck and send me out with a hug and a kiss, and there would be someone to look forward to seeing once
it's all over

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October

2008 Oct 21

negative convergence

For various irrational reasons, I'm feeling quite forlorn and abandoned. Such is life.

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