Neuron by neuron, we are taking the centers out. What I would give to have this as permanent, this not giving a shit about the world. OK, maybe I exaggerate. Even as drunk as I am, I have misgivings.

But this is my life. Trying to forget about how complexly fucked up the entire world is. How evil people run the show, leaving all of us as pawns, sacrificed to their whims.

There is love, though.

The pressure mounts. Ronel, my cousin who is a year younger than me, is getting married. My mom really wants grandkids. I’ve got nothing.

Nothing except fantasy and wishes. The woman that I have been in love with, the woman who defined my universe for years, sends me pictures of her beautiful daughter, and I just choke. How did I even dare? I am like a speck of dust, blown out into the wind.

There is, also, the woman who is basically the living expression of my ideal. Beautiful, intelligent, artistic and creative, who understands the “good” kind of crazy. She is everything I’ve ever wanted. And I’ve got nothing. Empty pockets. I am just lame, standing there like a dumbass. I’m embarrassed by my stupidity. I’ve found the one, and there’s no good reason in all of heaven and hell that she’d ever think about me.

And then, the woman who took brief notice of me, whom I’m harrassing with ridiculous phone calls for no reason, and because of her kindness, she is condemned to know me, know of me. From an objective standpoint, I feel sorry for her, for having befriended someone as pathetic and lame as me. I don’t know why I just don’t stop, why I just don’t stop bothering her, and disappear, and maybe even just die.

I half-joke, maybe I’ll die soon, before I turn 40. It’s seriously sad and pathetic that that’s my dearest hope.