What my psychiatrist noted is that maybe this whole unrelenting fatigue thing is simply the fact that I’d managed to vanquish most of my anxiety and now lack the impetus of fear to keep me awake and toiling. Seriously, I’m not having any more visceral symptoms of anxiety and my depression is much better controlled.

But instead of feeling unbearably sad and constantly suffering from heartache between episodes of chest tightness and epigastric abdominal pain, now, I just don’t feel a damn thing at all. If I were completely free and really could do anything I wanted to, I would just stay in bed all day, or maybe at least stay in front of the computer all day, and do nothing. I don’t remember at all what used to cheer me up, and I’ve stopped relying on ethanol to while the time away, so when work is done, maybe it’s not so much that I’m tired. I just don’t have anything better to do. I don’t feel compelled to act.

When I still had anxiety, the fear of the future was usually sufficient to either (1) get my ass in gear or (2) paralyze me completely, particularly with the pain of acid boring through my stomach and esophagus.

The visceral feeling of tiredness has lifted now that I’m taking the new meds, but I still don’t really know what to do with myself when I have free time. Oh, sure, there are a million things in the queue that probably need attention, but I’m not sufficiently compelled to work on them now.

I still think my frontal lobe is borked. Any sane person would’ve properly prioritized and sequenced the order by which I should tackle the tasks at hand. Instead I sit here unmoving, unmovable.

This is how schizophrenics act. They just don’t give a damn about anything, and they just sit there smoking cigarettes, unmoved by even impending doom. (Though I’ve learned that very few people are actually moved by impending doom, unless it is literally staring them in the face, breathing down their neck.)

Whatever.

The only consolation is that my compulsion to write drek is still active. In fact, you can probably tell how symptomatic I am from depression and anxiety by the number of posts I write in a month.

I should graph that out sometime.

On the technology side, given my hankering for writing my own blog engine based on XML and XSLT, I am reminded of Syncato, which is basically a CMS solution that allows Apache in combination with Webware to essentially query an XML database through HTTP. All you have to do is feed the query in URL, using XPath syntax, so you can do things like http://bogus.site/item//body[contains(.,"madness")] to do a search for all blog posts containing the word “madness”

Sure, there are easier ways to do this, but that would generally involve creating yet another non-standardized specification, I’m sure. XPath has been around since at least 1999 and I started learning it in 2000 when I started learning XSL, so it’s not like it’s new and unsupported.