The thing that I’ve been mulling over is the fact that there have been so many Septembers in the past where I’ve been ever hopeful, with the intent of making a change in my life. And while I know it would be hard to convince many of you, there have been times that I’ve actually acted upon this impulse, only to be rebuffed, or even worse, only to be faced with puzzled indifference.

So I face this particular September with just a little trepidation, fearing that the buoyancy I feel in my spirit is the exact same misguided feeling: thinking that things are going to change, only to be faced with exactly the same disappointment and sense of failure as last time.

And I recognize, perhaps for the first time in my life, that this is the exact feeling that I need to overcome, this sense of déjà vu, this sense of fatalistic futility, that it’s all going to turn to shit anyway in the end.

I don’t know that. Maybe it could, and maybe it won’t.

Who knows?

So what I’m trying to cultivate here is this sense of possibility. No matter what happens, bad or good, things will be different, if only for the simple fact that I am a different person (I am channeling Heraclitus right now, I suppose, you know, that saying about the river and the man and all that.)

And I think I know exactly what’s bothering me: I’m afraid of facing the unknown. It’s easier to face guaranteed failure than unpredictable success, I guess.

What I have to tell myself is this: tomorrow is not only going to be different, it will be better than today. Because tomorrow will be the sum of today plus even more new experiences, and maybe those experiences will be shitty, but I guess it all comes down to Nietschze after all. As long as it doesn’t kill me, I can learn from it, and if I can learn from it, then I’ll be a better person for it. Or some rationale like that.

Bah. This is just sophistry, endless, unexhaustable sophistry, and too much mental masturbation.

Tomorrow will come whether I want it to or not, whether I’m ready for it or not. I say: bring it on.