tags: Pen-Tab Steno Notebook
2000
July
- 2000 Jul 5
- Trying to Fight Fate
I know what everyone else wants, but I can never figure it out for yself. Typical melodrama of course, but you've got to add some spice to life. Too early to give any useful details away anyway. Got to find a proper way of exposition.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 6
- Rhymeless
Ideas: the Satyrcorn, and ridculomalaria
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 7
- Averted Madness
Averted madness, I will now write in crypticisms and perhaps try to make some sense of this. I should have been born Roman, tring to interpret all these augries. Or perhaps the priesthood is my calling?
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 9
- A Very Bad Disease
I have a very bad disease, of which I am not entirely sure I wish to purge myself of, that being, I feel that I am mobile when I seek control. (No, no going back, just keep writing this dreaded spew, I feel like I've gotten diarrhea both mentally and physically, no stopping, goddman it, not even a moment to gather my thoughts. I've never felt this angry, sad, maniacal all at the same time before.) I am everything I wish I were not or I wish I were everything I am not, some sick shit like that, so alone. No one can possibly understand it, or is it (yet, most likely) some goddmaned egotistical conceit, as if no one had ever taken this path before, been squeezed tight by obligations and filial duties you never know when the handcuffs are coming down, latching to your wrist.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 9
- After the Binge
So it's like the morning after the binge, and all that you can really do is puke it all up, hoping with each puke that it'll be the last, you'll feel better, the deadly poison gone. But you've been drunk often enough, you know it doesn't stop, not even when you're all empty. It only diminishes, like a knife blunting with every true strike, until you force yourself to hold something down, damn the pain. And still you're empty, unsettled, disturbed mentally and physically, wanting to die just as much, if not more than when you drunk yourself into a stupor in the first place, worse because the woozy carefree oblivion is now just a wracking throb, and why, oh why, is it so goddamn pointless?
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 9
- A Wonderful Fucking Day (The Conundrum of Living on a Razor's Edge)
Oh shit, can you tell I am having a wonderful fucking day?
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 9
- Conundrum
Tried to make a few calls to help me solve my conundrum. Wouldn't you know it, no answers. As I suspected, this is something I've got to do for myself.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 10
- My Soul is Screaming
My soul is screaming.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 10
- I Am Too Happy to Know What Time It Is
See the problem here is that Sisyphus is cheating. It diminishes the true (futile) achievement. Fuck it all.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 12
- Gray Morning
It is interesting that N has adopted (independently [of me]) a fatalistic flip side to my theory: Nothing is real until it is shared. While I would emphasize the fragile
· Read more…transcience1 transience of creative thought and the need to commit things to paper if direct communication is not available, she would declare that bad things wouldn't happen if you didn't mention them. It isn't just a simple aversion to ill-speaking, but rather, like I said, a type of fatalismm: if you imagine a bad thing, and share it, it can't help but come true… - 2000 Jul 14
- Escaping
Well, I am escaping, really. I know this is true because the treacly, molasses-like, sappy feelings in my heart are still stirring. I cannot put her out of my mind (I do not want to put her out of my mind) and I marvel at AB's fortitude, given that he has much more going for him… (what I would give for a sligh fraction of such hope) and still he is sure, he will not turn back on his path. I, with much less hope, am willing, still unsure why I must walk this road, this road likely to lead to my damnation, if I cannot hold it in.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 18
- Self-Deception
…I know this deception well, writing (scratching, really) onto decaying matter, dead sinews of a tree, thinking I am capturing some pure essence of life, not just me, but all around me. I do nothing but observe, I, the weaver of these many threads of lives, otherwise unsung. I am breath of Life, immortality. I give voice. I represent.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 21
- Ludicrously Sunny Morning
I feel so subnormal. Abnormal I could handle, but this is a realization that I am not fit to live this life, that I cannot fight, don't even wish to fight, and I'm just waiting for oblivion to swallow my head. More melodramatic bullshit. I don't feel like I can handle a crisis right now. I'm not strong enough to rebuild the walls, not deal with people. Goddamn, why can't I deal with people? This is easily the source of all my problems. I get all achy, shivery, dying. What do I do with people?
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 23
- Question
But, question, should I spend any more time with [redacted]? At this ridiculous distance, there is really no hope, but, hell, I can't let go. I am compsing an e-mail in my mind as [I write this]. I will feel so lost if I just let go like that.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 23
- In Transit
I can only survive in between. I tell you, it'll be a miracle if I wake up happy tomorrow morning. I really don't want to deal with this shit right now, but I made a promise, and I don't want to try to force myself to go to sleep.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 23
- The Purpose of Being Male
See, males are not strictly required for the propagation of life. Human life, perhaps, but in time, the human male may… become anachronistic.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 25
- Three Weeks Off
OK, I'm slacking. There's a lot of shit to do. I essentially have another three weeks off… I only really have class on Mondays and Tuesdays. I really have to force myself to write every day. If I had known… I would've really wanted to take a trip somewhere, but it's too late to get a cheap fare. I must write that e-mail to [redacted]. I don't know why I even bother. This is going to drive me insane.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 26
- Resignation
I don't know why I didn't feel so bad today. Maybe I've resigned myself to my fate. Maybe e-mailing everybody and their mom let me vent a little. I mean, sure, I balked a little when I saw [redacted]'s e-mail sitting in my inbox. [I was] afraid. But [reading it] I didn't feel much, just a [light touch] of regret. I've no intention of returning to L.A. any time soon. As I've said, I've begun to equate it with happiness and [also] with being trapped.
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 29
- Fate
I got my ass outside, felt the air, hit the scene, accepted that I am in Chicago and this is my Fate. What is it that I want to do with my life, what would make me happy? I say that [I want] to be loved, but what does that mean?
· Read more… - 2000 Jul 31
- Thought Police
OK, this writing every day deal isn't working out so well….
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August
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- 2000 Aug 5
- Futility
Quote out of context:
· Read more… - 2000 Aug 7
- Dreaming of Poetry
OK, this every other day thing kind of stinks. I really have to do this every day. There's a lot of shit going through my mind, enough for me to get lost in, so I've got to make it a point to sort it out.
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- 2000 Aug 7
- Anniversary of the Atomic Bomb
OK, back to Hiroshima. It's somewhat ironic that the U.S. is the only country that has actually used a nuclear bomb on somebody. This is seriously a grave atrocity. I wonder why we decided to use it against civilians? If anything, we ought to have nuked the Emperor [or Tojo]. I guess the elite really [do] protect the elite, [war or no war].
· Read more… - 2000 Aug 8
- Foaming Logorrhea
I have been seized by a rather sensational verbosity, suffering from foaming logorrhea.
· Read more… - 2000 Aug 9
- Deliramentum
style of persecution
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inveigh against [disintegration]
isolation
deliver me from temptation
unto the final destination
what patience, consecration, incantation,
complication, with honesty and humility and humiliation
this is my sentence - 2000 Aug 9
- Eldest Child
So I dreamt about going ice skating with N last night. Or this morning, seeing as I didn't go to sleep until 5 a.m. There are too many [sane-appearing, completely insane] people here. My madness had no outlet.
· Read more… - 2000 Aug 22
- Weird Shit Floating around in My Mind
I've got to do better than this, at least fifteen minutes a day, maybe.
· Read more… - 2000 Aug 25
- Red Fragments
Rubeus fragmentum. Inconstans.
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I am dripping like raindrops
Dreams:
begotten by the stars, perhaps
rising like a welling spring - 2000 Aug 26
- Tableau
J + A — urgent conversation
· Read more… - 2000 Aug 26
- Secret
To know what is futile and what is not.
· Read more… - 2000 Aug 26
- Required Coursework for Life
What should be required coursework for life:
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September
- 2000 Sep 9
- Prophylaxis
parallel to something Chris Rock said, I’m not saying I’d kill all racists, but… I understand
· Read more… - 2000 Sep 9
- Silence of God
I am still puzzling over the curious silence of God. Is it evolution on my part? Is my faith somehow bankrupt? I have to tell you, I was extremely upset with the Vatican's pronunciation of Catholicism being the only path to salvation. I am glad that Cardinal Mahoney is still supporting interfaith dialogue.
· Read more… - 2000 Sep 10
- Confusing Obsession with Kismet
Who will understand this shit? Even the closest, the girl of my dreams, is thousands of kilometers away.
· Read more… - 2000 Sep 12
- 23.998173515…
So goes my final hours as a 23 year old. Have I really learned all that much? I wonder when I will cease being a child—when will I start taking responsibility of my life?
· Read more… - 2000 Sep 13
- 24
I find it somewhat amusing that the first people to wish me happy birthday were N and A.
· Read more… - 2000 Sep 19
- Geography of My Dreams
Dreams:
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October
- 2000 Oct 8
- Logical Extension of All the Madness
I have finally found a use for this pen. Of course, I'm not sure if I want to keep writing on paper if I really put up that website. I suppose this will then be reserved for all the deep problems that I do not want to expose to the world.
· Read more… - 2000 Oct 20
- The Signal-Virtual Receptor Theory of Cognition
I don't know why it should make a difference to think of communication this way, since after all, I don't particularly know aynthing about the current model [of communication.]
· Read more… - 2000 Oct 27
- Scrawlings
I am so tired. There were things I would like to scrawl down. If only it were possible to write while driving.
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November
- 2000 Nov 1
- Scintillations of Photons and Electrons
This may very well be a mistake, but I really don't know what else I can do… even if I go clear out of [my] mind. Look at this, I'm not even completely coherent.
· Read more… - 2000 Nov 9
- Enlightenment
Enlightenment is like when a dreamer realizes he is dreaming, but does not wake up.
December
- 2000 Dec 1
- Little Confessions
I'm letting myself slip again, letting much too much time pass between these little confessions. I was trying to go to sleep, as this raging headache abates, and I probably would have succeeded if the phone did not ring, pushing my sweet subconscious thoughts to the foreground.
· Read more… - 2000 Dec 5
- Revelation
It figures that just when I'm about to write down an important revelation, something comes up. So let's see if I can catch what I was talking about.
· Read more… - 2000 Dec 14
- The Death of the American Dream
When I took A.P. U.S. History in high school… I learned about the crooked ways of the Republic. I learned that for the most part, the prosperity of this country is owed to the unthanked labor and often the death of the oppressed, starting with the poor ignorant English folk who came as indentured servants, starving to death at the hands of gentleman-adventurers who dreamt big but did little actual work. But the Native Americans are [the most obvious] first victims of the nascent Imperial onslaught… [starting with] the diseases the filthy Europeans had brought over, and… the depradations of… imperial Spain. The English did not become numberous enough to challenge the Natives for a while, although, I must say that it didn't take long for treaty-signing and subsequent backstabbing to become standard policy. After that came the despoilment of Africa….
· Read more… - 2000 Dec 14
- The Fall of the Republic: A Requiem for American Democracy (fragment)
Do you believe the ghosts of your slaves have forgiven you?
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Though you had unshackled chains after much blood had been shed, still there is a mountain to climb - 2000 Dec 14
- Trying to Write Out My Bitterness
I am trying to write out all the bitterness lying in my heart. I feel all of the sudden as if I have nothing to believe in. My faith in God and country has been shorn. I feel as if I have no allies, and am completely surrounded by enemies, who would use me as a servant, then scron me, with no reward for my loyalty. I feel like Diogenes carrying a lantern, still searching for that honest man. I knew from the start that such a quest was futile, but five years ago, I did not mind futility. Don Quixote was my hero, and I longed to emulate him, for what is a knight-errant for, but for the undertaking of futile quests? But it is a lonely life. I have no Sancho Panza patiently following me into madness, reeling me back to reality at the last moment. I am merely a dying thing, cold and afraid, and hungry. Yearning. That is the word, and what it is I yearn for I do not know.
· Read more… - 2000 Dec 14
- Flying Somewhere Over Arizona
[I am guessing what time it really is.] I am suddenly inspired by Borges and by Radiohead (I [am in] love [with] their song "Idioteque"). It is troubling that my life only became bearable when I [started fantasizing that] I was dying [from an indolent disease with a protracted course of illness] (although we [really] are all dying….) This allowed me to rest my mind and actually go to sleep content. I imagined the lengthy doctor's visits and hospital stays, [spending my last days] tramping throughout the countryside, and maybe to the Old World. Give me an excuse to visit Rome and London. And I would write. How joyous that would be! But this is only assuming that my insurance would pay. I would hopefully get to die in a morphine haze.
· Read more… - 2000 Dec 24
- Cold
Dead, maybe? Terminally ill perhaps? Or just sleeping, smouldering like the last embers of a fire. I'm still waiting, waiting for that breeze to kick up. Let the flames blaze up again.
· Read more… - 2000 Dec 31
- Sadness
I am sad, sad, sad, and maybe it's the SAD bearing down on me, or maybe it's the ending of a year without much to show for it. I feel like I've been preparing to go down the Road forever, too afraid to take that first step, and when I finally [do it], I keep running back home, even though home doesn't [really] exist now, it's something I have to build, but the amount of work required is daunting.
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2001
January
- 2001 Jan 17
- Trembling
Holy mother of God! Why am I trembling? Something like joy courses through my veins, but the tears are waiting to fall. Will it be like this for the rest of my waking hours, to stand still, lost in a fog of indecision, while happiness is something that happens to other people?
· Read more… - 2001 Jan 18
- Bleakness
Would I change a thing? I guess not, when it comes down to it. Well, not at the juncture that was presented to me.
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February
- 2001 Feb 1
- Sunlight
It's really just the sunlight, isn't it? I really should get evaluated. I have to learn how to plan things better, too. Maybe I'll get a [PDA] after all?
· Read more… - 2001 Feb 10
- High
I want to yell obscenities, not because I'm pissed off or anything, I just think that the world is deserving of obscenities.
· Read more… - 2001 Feb 12
- Non-linear and Unpredictable
Why I must force life to be linear and predictable, I do not know, but it is surely the root cause of much of my unhappiness. It is unfortunate that it is easier to be miserable than to be content, but like I'm implying, life really isn't all that linear.
· Read more… - 2001 Feb 12
- Another Unsent Letter
You saved my life, I think. I was seriously ready to give up hope completely—I knew that if I went on for another month without things turning around, I didn't want to keep going. But then, by sheer chance, you showed up in my life and taught me what I was going through was (relatively and loosely-speaking) normal, and that something would turn up eventually, and that I wasn't alone. I'm not sure I've used what you've taught me wisely, but I do know that I'm in your debt.
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- 2001 Feb 19
- Without Rhyme or Reason
I feel restless and cramped. Caged, really, with no apparent hope for escape. I cannot even fantasize my way out of this madness, short of hospitalization. Maybe [St. John's wort] will help again, though. I cannot stand So Cal February gloom. I think maybe there are only a few months I can endure.
· Read more… - 2001 Feb 19
- Full of Shit
…my mind is notorious for concocting details after the fact. I'm just like my dad.
· Read more… - 2001 Feb 20
- Dreaming of Rhyme
Bleh. I dreamnt of [redacted] last night… as I am wont to disclaim, it was nothing perverted. If I were a little more emotional, or if I wasn't so tapped out and bled dry, I might have wept upon waking, but everything is just too little, too late, and what the fuck am I doing here surrounded by people I do not trust, people who would probably sell me if it would turn them a profit.
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April
- 2001 Apr 27
- Guessing about the Geography
I thought I had given up on this, what with the rationale for this monolithic screed having evaporated two months ago and the fact that I have brought my madness online, but I guess unless I finally do get a laptop, I'm going to have to put my thoughts somewhere when I'm on a trip. And I did promise to use up all the paper in this notebook anyway.
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- 2001 Apr 29
- The Flipside of Despair
Hope is nothing but the flipside of despair
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running on empty, still, something
burning like acid, chilling like frost
veins all tapped out, and yet you still bleed
you lie there all tingling
upon bloodstained sheets
no game left to play, the dice always come up snake-eyes
and still your eyes flutter open
with the kiss of the sunlight - 2001 Apr 30
- Words Come Unbidden
I did not want to write the words
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come unbidden
did not want to give form, give life
to the shapeless nightmare haunting my dreams
and yet the words still come flowing
like waves, like the ebb and flow
of blood welling from a slit throat
oozing with every rattling breath
May
- 2001 May 16
- The End of It All
In the end of it all, I am simply a moron, and I've come so close to just accepting it, but foolish, insane pride always gets me to reconsider. I mean, it really didn't change a damn thing, even with a pretty girl sitting beside me. I don't even want to give voice to my incredible sense of frustration with myself. I could almost imagine my soul yelling and screaming, pounding at the doors of my heart, only to collapse weeping with despair.
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