OK, I’m slacking. There’s a lot of shit to do. I essentially have another three weeks off… I only really have class on Mondays and Tuesdays. I really have to force myself to write every day. If I had known… I would’ve really wanted to take a trip somewhere, but it’s too late to get a cheap fare. I must write that e-mail to [redacted]. I don’t know why I even bother. This is going to drive me insane.

The dream last night: I feel like it’s a recurring dream—déjà vu. Times Square, taking the train out to Jersey, [except the Jersey side looks more] like North Chicago. I dreamt of a familiar hotel. Perhaps something important is supposed to happen there? I suppose it was in New York. I dreamt of Auntie Violet’s old house in Milpitas, except it was amalgamated with [the house we used to live in Echo Park/Silver Lake].

…

OK, this is the real deal, though. If I’m not just a poser, something should be produced in these three weeks before I start anatomy. It’s pretty ridiculous. Three weeks after that, it’s time for midterms.

…Shit, what am I going to do with all the free time I’m going to have? It’s time to start making friends….

Fuck, I’m so tired of feeling alone, of chasing this dream that is only partially mine. I really don’t want to go insane… [these] completely [unpredictable] wild mood swings. If I must go insane, I would love for it to settle into some kind of comfortable rhythm—I am thinking of being happily delusional. That [would] be best.

See, I’ve definitely got to hit pad and paper when the thought strikes, particularly now when I’ve got so much gree time on my hands. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I still have all this time. I guess I should go into the city, find places to hang out, by [M3] year, I should know my way around already. (Fuck! It’s such a long time! Why am I trying to repay a debt I cannot pay?!)

If I didn’t truly believe I had some [talent], I wouldn’t be in this predicament. I bet you everyone would’ve told me [not to go], in retrospect….

…

It’s time to give up and abandon everything. If it’s really meant to be (shit—this is so contrary to everything I believed… No… Shit, I really don’t want to do this, but I don’t want to throw [the opportunity] away….)

So time to let loose, see where Fate carries me. I can’t take myself so seriously. I’m still stuck in [elementary school] in terms of [how I handle] acceptance and rejection. There’s too much of the world to see to be this fucking bitter all the time.

Right now, being happy is a ridiculous goal. All I want to do is to not always be mad all the time. Let it go, give in and go with the flow. ([So] fucking trite!)

Well, I’ve got nothing left right now. [I] promise to write when the thought [comes], even if the lassitude [drags me down].