tags: madness

Now I know that there are plenty of months that have 31 days in them, but for some reason, March seemed unbearably long. I don’t know if it’s simply the fact that it’s Lent and like the good brainwashed Catholic that I am, I feel like I’ve been sent into exile to the Desert, bandying words with the Devil himself.

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August

2006 Aug 15

ten trillion ideas

I feel like I’m completely losing my mind. There are like ten trillion ideas whizzing around my brain. This can’t be good for me.

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2006 Aug 15

running away at first sight

The real reason I grew confused and insane is that I realized that I still like someone else a lot, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. (And this is probably unwise and stupid to post here, but I really don’t care anymore. I’m like a tagger with a spraypaint can, leaving “Kilroy was here” all over the place, like a dog pissing on trees. If you can figure out who I am, and who I’m talking about, well, good for you, it doesn’t change a goddamn thing.)

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2006 Aug 16

attack of the past ten years

What sucks is that I can’t do this vacation thing at all. I can’t fucking relax. It’s like all of the sudden all the thoughts and feelings I’ve been avoiding for the past ten years or so have come out to attack me.

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2006 Aug 16

hypomania

Bleh, this beta version of Blogger is eating my posts. This sucks.

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2007

April

2007 Apr 10

problems with sleep-onset

I stupidly drank some Vietnamese iced coffee about 3 hours ago, and I’m wired and jittery and all over the place. I have to wake up in less than 6 hours to get ready for work.

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May

2007 May 5

definition of insanity

Listening to: “Only Love Can Break Your Heart” by St. Etienne

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2007 May 8

holding on to a thin strand of hope

I suppose if that’s all the medications accomplish, I’m still getting somewhere. For the first time in a long, long time, I actually believe that there’s a good chance that my life will get better. I’m actually looking forward to the future.

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2007 May 11

happiness, the continuing elusiveness of

Now I realize that happiness in of itself is a rather empty goal, reserved for victims of unusual strokes, the congenitally mentally incapacitated, and the clinically deranged. You lesion a few tracts in your brain, and you can be permanently happy until your dying day, singing “zippy-de-doo-da” out of your asshole, your face guaranteed to freeze with a rictus grin. I can see it now, a corpse grinning maniacally in his/here casket.

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2007 May 12

the parable of the cave

I have come to realize that the living room of my apartment resembles a terrorist command center. I have three computers and four LCD screens, seven speakers plus a subwoofer, a TV, and a receiver as well as all the requisite cables and hubs and what not in here, because (1) I couldn’t fit it all in my room anyway and (2) the first rule of sleep hygiene is to only use the bedroom for sleeping.

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2007 May 15

there is clearly something wrong with me

Man, that was an incredible waste. Three hours down the drain just to get a stupid RSS widget to work in MySpace. I wish that Myspace would just let me crosspost to their blog engine, but noooo.

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2007 May 17

crossing my fingers

The last time my sister graduated, I was seriously in love with S. While in the back of my head I suppose I always knew it wasn’t going to work, I had been doing a good job ignoring that particular fact. Naturally, when I got back to Chicago, everything went to hell, and I went into a patented downward spiral.

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August

2007 Aug 28

i am seriously dying

I just wanted to say that there is a beautiful girl sitting across the room from me and it just reminds me how fucking hopeless I am. Hahaha.

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September

2007 Sep 6

87,600 hours

The last 10 years of unbearable loneliness have finally gotten to me, I think.

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2007 Sep 7

mindtrace (i'm getting better)

Maybe this story of fighter planes with nukes accidentally left on board flying over the U.S. was the genesis of one of the dreams I had the other day.

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2007 Sep 9

mindtrace (a full review)

But if I dissect out the past few weeks, I guess I’ve been asking for it. It’s like jumping up-and-down on an unstable bridge.

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2007 Sep 10

basic concepts in wound healing

One of the things we learn as children about wounds is that you should never pick at your scabs. This is guaranteed to prevent healing of the wound, and can actually promote scarring to the point of disfigurement.

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October

2007 Oct 2

movement while staying still

I have yet to determine when the ideal time to have my last cup of coffee is. I feel like if I don’t have it before 6 p.m., I’m totally going to fall asleep, but if I have it at 7 p.m., then I’m going to be awake all night.

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2007 Oct 3

el camino escondido del dios

in that space unrecognizable,
scotomata perforating your visual fields
the mind fills in the gaps
elides the ragged, raging ends of
punctured, gaping reality
all is well with the world
as far your aching mind is concerned
ignore something long enough and
trust me
it will eventually go away
and all bleeding stops eventually

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2007 Oct 3

el camino real (un poco y poco)

Autumn on this desert shore
sputters and drifts, stutters and stammers
skipping/scratching/scuffing/grooving
and it’s DJ G O D in da house, muthafucka

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2008

March

2008 Mar 1

this is a house of a crazy person

I surveyed the chaos and squalor that is my apartment and quickly stopped because I didn't want to vomit. This is how insane people live.

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April

2008 Apr 13

here

my heart misgives me
and yet this vigil I must keep
through the long dark night alone I gaze upon the stars

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2008 Apr 18

brain splat

What is going through my head?

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May

2008 May 7

bizarre stimuli

How did this all begin? That's probably too much to figure out in one night, particularly one where I'm at work. I'll just pick at a single thread in the tapestry. Eventually it'll all unravel.

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June

2008 Jun 20

ab reductio absurdum

man. so i'm reduced to this. blogging on my phone. no a/c. no writing utensil. brain barely functioning. maybe i should just go home.

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August

2008 Aug 9

off

I haven't been able to shake this feeling that nothing is right with my world. Everything is in chaos. And everything I try to do to fix it ends in stagnating failure.

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2008 Aug 12

completely insane

So I was this close to getting to sleep at a reasonable hour last night, but then I heard that the Perseid meteor shower was supposed to peak the evening of Aug 11/early morning of Aug 12. I tried to think of the darkest place within a reasonable distance. The Anza-Borrego Desert came to mind, but that was a good two hour drive into the middle of nowhere, so I figured driving through the Temecula Valley on the way to L.A. would suffice.

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2008 Aug 15

mushrooming beyond my comprehension

not just loneliness weighing gravid, doleful,
becoming this furtiveness rooted, still
seeming in the light to be seen, yet unseen
amidst the hundred thousand voices seething, roiling, teeming
the faces, the gestures, all worn-down by rehearsal
words spoken by rote, by habit, stripped of meaning

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September

2008 Sep 7

2 for the price of 1

I don't know why it grieves me so, when I knew this was lost already.

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November

2008 Nov 11

infinite regress

Hope is not always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it is cold as ice, and harder than steel.
The mood of my entire day has been driven by a nonsensical dream about an impossible situation. Even after all this time.
The mind understands that time cannot be undone. Somethings are out of your control. It wasn't chance. It was destiny.
Some of my darkest dreams relive the essence of this moment. I lie helpless as fate turns aside from me. It will never be.
It was not, is not, will never be, world without end. And yet the heart still yearns.

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December

2008 Dec 2

doesn't seem like it's going to be today

This is my life, and it's ending one minute at a time

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2010

March

2010 Mar 13

oh noes! something on the internet pissed me off!

I'm still not really in the right frame of mind to write a well-thought out blog post to explicate the thoughts that led me to stop visiting Friendfeed for now.

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July

2010 Jul 21

unspooling ariadne's golden thread

So "Inception" totally blew my mind. A lot of thoughts have been streaming through my head since, and the synchronicity of some of these thoughts have been kind of unnerving.

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2011

July

2011 Jul 8

fireworks

Tonight was fireworks night at Dodger Stadium, and as I watched bright colorful explosions in the sky from a distant hill, I remembered that it was around this time of year twelve years ago when I made a last-minute decision that would forever change my life in weird and sometimes quite traumatic ways.

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2012

June

2012 Jun 15

i think there's something wrong with me

So, yeah, I've been kind of out of it all day. I can't seem to concentrate. I feel like I'm pushing against an unseen force, like I'm swimming in molasses in something.

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July

2012 Jul 7

a single letter difference, and too much free time

I found myself thinking about the last section of The Lord of the Rings (that got cut out of the movies): the "Scouring of the Shire" chapter. And it occurred to me that "scouring" and "scourging" are only one letter apart. And while in common parlance, "scourging" just means whipping, I started thinking about the Scourging of Lordaeron in World of Warcraft, where cultists transform an entire kingdom's populace into ghouls and zombies, and so, what if Saruman was a necromancer, and he basically turned all the hobbits undead….

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2015

December

2015 Dec 4

The Solution to Dangerous People with Guns is More Dangerous People with Guns

I was just joking about it when I said it, but I never really thought that Congress would seriously protect the rights of people on terrorist watch lists to purchase guns without difficulty.

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