tags: lily white
2003
April
- 2003 Apr 12
- Signs and Symptoms
More brain barf. Yes I know I promised to stop thinking. Especially about women. Especially about what they’re thinking.
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May
- 2003 May 3
- The Unstuck Piece of Tape (Lysis of Adhesions)
The more things change…
· Read more… - 2003 May 7
- I'm Not the One Who's Crazy!
Schizophrenia. Maybe I do need to be on medication.
· Read more… - 2003 May 18
- Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
See the luck I’ve had would make a good man turn bad.
· Read more… - 2003 May 18
- Fidgety
I know what is going to happen, but I guarantee I’m still going to feel like crap.
· Read more… - 2003 May 20
- Game Over
And yet: Insert Coin to Continue. Damn.
· Read more… - 2003 May 24
- Movie Night
In tribute to Virginia Madsen.
· Read more… - 2003 May 26
- Yesterday
I can’t stay/And keep living this lie/I finally found the strength to say goodbye/I’m on my way/Nothing can change my mind/I’m leaving behind what we had/Yesterday
· Read more… - 2003 May 26
- Signs of an Intractable Situation
It’s all so simple, and yet….
· Read more… - 2003 May 31
- The Road Goes Ever On and On — Revisited
Ah, to return from exile. Does nothing ever last? At least longer than an effervescent moment?
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June
- 2003 Jun 4
- Responding to Internal Stimuli
Seriously. The next time something like this happens, I need you to take a brick to my head. I mean it.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 5
- Voices in My Head
Bits and pieces of me keep passing out. Random quotes and song lyrics that happen to be very appropriate commentary on my life. And, once again, I need to take a break, but, once again, I am probably not going to.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 9
- Word Salad (This Bird Has Flown)
Little snippets of things that make little to no sense.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 18
- OK, Maybe I Am Crazy
Yeah, it’s solipsistic and egotistical to ask, but “Why does this shit always happen to me?”
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 21
- Forfeit
There is just nothing left to say.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 22
- Do the Right Thing
A rationalization.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 22
- Question
The sequela of a random phone call.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 24
- Back to the Open Sea
Sailing / Takes me away / To where I’ve always heard it could be / Just a dream and the wind to carry me / And soon I will be free
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July
- 2003 Jul 1
- Via Trails
You can’t really call it stalking can you? It’s not like I’m breaking into their computers or anything….
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 7
- Stupidity (Letting Her Sink Her Claws Into Me)
A shot in the dark. A phone call. Not that the rug was necessarily pulled out from under, but either way, I’m lying on bare ground.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 11
- Jesus, What A Mind Job
Why do I feel like I am once again, in the calm before the storm? I suppose I could be paranoid.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 22
- Coasting to a Stop
Instead of slamming the brakes into the ground. Nothing like the power of inertia.
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2004
February
- 2004 Feb 2
- lily white
spill your secret to me
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creeping shadows, and the evil that lurks in the night
that makes the dogs bark in fear
with their tails between their legs
the hooded man without a face
stealing innocence
2005
March
- 2005 Mar 3
- red shifting galaxies
I came home today all-of-the-sudden completely fried. I'm working in yet another different place, and once again went through the rigors of the First Day™ The day went surprisingly, swimmingly well (as they say.) But as soon as I got home, I crashed on the couch and curled up into a fetal position.
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2006
July
- 2006 Jul 23
- return of saturn and other miscellany
This particular existential crisis all began over dinner at Tantra in Silver Lake. (Tantra is this hip quasi-Indian restaurant with excellent hipster ambience, which I enjoy in this snide, ironic, too-cool-for-this sort of way.) Joce was in town very briefly—I hadn’t seen her since my (naturally) ill-planned trip to the Big Apple some nine months ago. Joce was the de facto leader of our little clique back in college, and we all had some interesting adventures way back when. Chriscelle, another of my friends from college who is actually the one that I’ve known the longest, came out as well. I haven’t seen her since December. (I am a terrible friend.) She had recently started dating some guy, and somehow, the talk turned to my social life (or the lack thereof.)
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September
- 2006 Sep 4
- trying to snap out of it
The thing that I’ve been mulling over is the fact that there have been so many Septembers in the past where I’ve been ever hopeful, with the intent of making a change in my life. And while I know it would be hard to convince many of you, there have been times that I’ve actually acted upon this impulse, only to be rebuffed, or even worse, only to be faced with puzzled indifference.
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October
- 2006 Oct 14
- expendability
The notion of sacrificing your life for others, embedded in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, closing paralleling the New Testament, brings to mind what I find to be a viable adaptionist claim: that some individuals need to die for the good of others in the same genetic pool, which is probably pretty harsh if you happen to be that individual so chosen by selection pressure.
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November
- 2006 Nov 1
- there is a thought struggling to crawl out of my mind
I don’t know if it’s just the psychotropic drugs, but I feel like I’m evading something lurking in my brain. Something that I’ve tried to face down head-to-head, only to find myself defeated each and every time. So like the coward that I am, I’ve decided to try to just runaway from it and ignore it.
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2007
March
- 2007 Mar 25
- the color of the sky as far as I can see is coal grey
Mostly I’m tired. This can, of course, be attributed to the fact that I was on call last night, although it’s not like I did much of anything except maybe sleep.
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May
- 2007 May 17
- crossing my fingers
The last time my sister graduated, I was seriously in love with S. While in the back of my head I suppose I always knew it wasn’t going to work, I had been doing a good job ignoring that particular fact. Naturally, when I got back to Chicago, everything went to hell, and I went into a patented downward spiral.
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September
- 2007 Sep 24
- hulogdahon (the heart of the matter)
So S (of whom I’ve written a few things here and there) got married on Saturday. Strangely, it didn’t seem like it had been all that long since she first hooked up with her now husband, but four years is a pretty long time.
· Read more… - 2007 Sep 24
- hulogdahon (a brief and fitful storm)
I’ve never been sore from crying before. I mean, literally sore. My recti abdominalis hurt the next morning.
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October
- 2007 Oct 3
- active stillness revisited
Oh her blog, S. (not S) posts this quote from T.S. Eliot:
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2008
May
June
- 2008 Jun 4
- small triumphs/on the other hand
Given all that tripe, I did have a decent day today. I managed to get in an arterial line after three tries. The attending that I'm working with—who has a reputation for making interns cry—thinks that I'm probably no dumber than a box of rocks. (Which, believe me, is a complement.)
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2011
October
- 2011 Oct 17
- somehow shifted
Funny how the random function of my iPod can just make my thoughts go "that a way", to steal a turn of phrase. "I See the Light1" from the "Tangled" soundtrack started playing, and I started thinking about fairy tales. There has been much ink spilled and many photons shed about how Disney ruins little girls, but maybe it's not really that gender-specific. While it might be argued that Hollywood in general peddles the pernicious idea of "happily ever after", none of the studios inculcates this idea so universally to people at such a young age.
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