Mostly I’m tired. This can, of course, be attributed to the fact that I was on call last night, although it’s not like I did much of anything except maybe sleep.

Then again, there is always something to be said about being able to sleep in your own bed.

The bed in the call room is basically an old hospital bed with a rickety frame, and even the slightest movement will cause really annoying squeaking. Although, I gotta say, since starting residency, I’ve developed the perhaps dubious skill of being to fall asleep anywhere almost on demand. But being in an uncomfortable bed in a room with faulty heating made it difficult to fall asleep, and I ended up watching a little TV before calling it quits. I woke up around 6 a.m. and had to pee, and by this time I was thoroughly awake and unable to countenance the idea of staying in that bed any longer. If only I could get up normally at 6 a.m.

So this morning I’m definitely more slow-witted than usual. Somehow it’s now 1:20 p.m., and I can’t really account for how all that time has elapsed. I’ve been sitting in front of my computer surfing through random blogs, looking for something I can’t at all define. I’ve also been screwing around with Wordpress, HTML, and CSS, tweaking this, that, and the other.

The purpose of my life escapes me at this moment.

I’m also listening to Julie Plug, of whom I’ve written about in the past¹ and find myself getting sucked into the vortex of reminiscensce. It’s bizarre how certain songs that I thought I never paid any attention actually get deeply imprinted into my brain. According to iTunes, since August 2004, I’ve only really listened to “In Every Corner” (my favorite song on Starmaker) only four times. Meanwhile, I barely know any of the titles of songs on their album Whatever You Wonder and apparently I’ve listened to “But Then Again” ten times since August 2004. I’m listening to it right now, and it takes me back to that Spring of my 3rd year in med school where I was being constantly tortured and humiliated by an OB-GYN resident, and I would listen to the album on my 2G iPod on the drive from Wicker Park to Park Ridge and back again. This also happens to coincide with the time that I foolishly and stupidly began trying to pursue S, and which eventually culminated with a rather deep depressive episode that is taking me a great deal of effort to pull myself out of.

• flashbacks (the theory of circular time • 2006 Nov 5 • disordered thought processes
• a decade’s worth of bittersweet memories • 2007 Mar 24 • disordered thought processes

At this point I’ve completely forgotten what I’m writing, or why. All of this navel-gazing. To what end, I ask? Bah.