It was fitting that I caught Alexander Proyas’ “Dark City” on cable the other day. In case you’ve never watched it, it is set in some noir city where it seems like it’s always night, and for some reason there doesn’t seem to be a way out of it. One of the characters comes to realize this and basically goes insane, repeatedly drawing spirals everywhere he goes. (Wow, that’s weird, I just realized that this happens in China Miéville’s book Iron Council as well—one of the characters goes around the city of New Crobuzon drawing spirals everywhere. Totally different meaning, though.)

Anyway, the reason why this came to mind is that I guess my life is like that. I seem to be treading and retreading the same ground over and over again, and I think this is one of the key reasons why I find myself depressed all the time.

The sad and bizarre thing is that a part of me prefers to be trapped. There really is a part of me that is content to be miserable, mostly because it’s safe.

Another movie that I caught this weekend was “Swingers,” which is actually a deeper movie than you would think it is. (OK, its not super-deep, but I’m just saying.) And one of its main themes happens to be about letting go of the past.

Truthfully, I find myself clinging to disparate, fragmented memories of the past 10 years to shield myself from the facing the horrifying unknown of the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the next year and a half, much less the next 10 years, and because of my natural sunny disposition and optimistic outlook on life, I’m pretty sure that what awaits me is nothing good.

Of course, there’s no reason to believe that. But this is the first time in my life that my path hasn’t been already pre-arranged in four year increments. The idea of making decisions by the seat of my pants actually frightens me to a great degree, which is ironic, because I always make decisions by the seat of my pants and have little regard for the notion of forethought. Ultimately, I’ve been pegged correctly. I’m a big picture kind of guy. The details just sort themselves out, frequently to my detriment, but somehow I still end up where I wanted to go. I can’t micromanage. The thought of adjusting every single parameter half a notch here, a quarter notch there makes me shudder in disgust.

(Note how this pointless drivel just sort of spins out of control, jumping from tangent to tangent.)

I’m not sure where I picked up this idea, but I’ve come to believe that if things need that much micromanagement to keep from blowing up, you’re doing something wrong.

Anyway: yeah, I’m trapped in my own fear, really. I’m like a little kid standing on the ledge of a swimming pool, and kids like that never get in without being pushed. I’m not sure who’s gonna push me into the deep end this time. Both B and B are far, far, far away, and without them, I can’t seem to accomplish anything in my life.

Well, I’m left with the strategy of small, non-threatening things. (All huge, unsolvable problems can be broken down into numerous, small, unsolvable problems.) I don’t know. I don’t know.

The thing that I worry about is (1) I can’t tune. I can’t just imagine myself out of this place and make my own beach and tilt the world so that the sun shines when I want it to. (2) without the ability to tune, the only way out of Dark City is suicide.

No, today, for once, I realize that there’s a way out. (Whenever you think there are only two ways to go, there are always really three. I learned that from “Dead Poet’s Society” and a fallen priest.)The question is whether I’m going to be (1) smart enough to figure it out and (2) brave enough to go through if when I find it.

Just to round out the whole flashback thing, I discovered that my cousin J’s music player on his MySpace page plays a Julie Plug song entitled “Starmaker,” which also happens to be the name of the album that it’s on. Julie Plug [official site][myspace page] is an alternative rock band comprised of Filipino Americans, and I discovered them through my friends in 1998. We became Julie Plug groupies and would follow them wherever they performed. I even have a picture with the lead singer Des de Leon. (I’ll dig it out when I find it.)

That really brings me back. Heh.

Anyway. Forward, not backward. Upwards, not sideways. And always twirling, twirling, twirling to freedom!

Sometime in June, I’ll follow my heart…

And this time it won’t lead me to heartbreak and suffering. It’s going to have to guide my path to wherever it is I need to be.