The last 10 years of unbearable loneliness have finally gotten to me, I think.

I may very well be losing my fucking mind.

It never ends, this aching sorrow, this sense of ultimate bereftness
half a person, and the time just passes by, runs out
my soul is an hourglass dripping time
(all we need is… time)
neither past nor future hold any surprises
a thousand rainy days have come and gone away
like rain clouds and summer squalls
and all those memories evaporated
like salty tears,
like blood from my wounds.

It never ends, tortured, tormented by memories so sweet, so dear,
so never meant to be mine
bewitched by starlight, the softness of your voice
the fragrance of your hair carried by the wind
your eyes sparkling in the sunset
as the sun plunges into the deep blue sea

I’ll say it at last. I only want emptiness.
Not this half-remembering, half-dreaming
scraping and tearing, wishing it were not so
my heart flutters, my mind flails
and I cannot wish
I dare not wish
for time to run widdershins
maybe in a trillion, trillion tries
I would still slam into stone
obliterate myself at high speed
leaving behind this mangled mess
that tries to pass itself off as a man

It never ends, I’ll weep and wail
curse and go into convulsions
and still I can’t seem to extricate this madness
from my heart
an expired hope that will not die
(long past sell-by date, but still on the shelf)
fury and rage cannot serve me
and as far as I’ve tried, I cannot hit bottom
nor find myself drowning in this bitter cup of despair
(the heart, the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak)

And yet Death is the only escape
The only open door
The final common pathway
One day at last, I will bravely step over that threshold
and find some kind of peace