mahiwaga

It was 1997 when I first heard this song, on the island of Tablas, in the province of Romblon, awaiting a plane to take us back to Manila.

I still think of that fleeting moment on the edge of the sea, just her and I, and I wonder if I could’ve said the right things, or not said anything at all

I remember the flight from Manila to San Francisco, and the dark velvet of the night sky. It felt like I was actually in outer space, floating amidst the stars.

If I ask the sky for a miracle, would it be wrong? But that miracle never came true.

The original is by Rivermaya, but I couldn’t find a good video with them in it. This is a fan-made video for a version that is a duet between Yeng Constantino and Jay-R.

Pangarap ko’y

My wish:

makita kang

to see you

naglalaro sa buwan.

playing on the moon.

Inalay mo

You offered

sa aking ang

to me

gabing walang hangganan.

the never-ending night.

Hindi mahanap

We will not find

sa lupa ang pag-asa.

on earth, any hope.

Nakikiusap na lang.

We can only plead.

Himala,

A miracle,

kasalanan bang

is it a sin

humingi ako sa langit ng

if I ask heaven for

isang himala?

one miracle?

Kasalanan bang

Is it a sin

Humingi ako sa langit ng

if I ask heaven for

isang himala?

one miracle?

Pangarap ko’y

I wish for

Liwanag ng umaga

the brightness of morning

Naglalambing

that caresses

Sa iyong mga mata

your eyes

‘di mahagilip

We will not catch sight

sa lupa ang pag-asa.

on earth, of any hope.

Nakikiusap sa buwan.

We’ll ask it of the moon.

Himala,

A miracle,

kasalanan bang

is it a sin

humingi ako sa langit ng

if I ask heaven for

isang himala?

one miracle?

Kasalanan bang

Is it a sin

Humingi ako sa langit ng

if I ask heaven for

isang himala?

one miracle?

And even if I could, I wouldn’t dare turn back the clock to try and undo my decisions that led me down this path.

I see it now. Even if I got caught in a temporal loop like in “Groundhog Day”, I don’t think I could ever get things right.

And I guess it was her wish, her miracle, that came true.

This is the original version of the song, sync’ed to a video featuring the lead characters of Final Fantasy VIII: Rinoa Heartilly and Squall Lionheart.

And even then, her visage haunted me, in my dreams and in my waking moments. Even in her absence, she was there. And I was lost and forsaken, and didn’t know where to go. I still don’t.

She is like a star, flying further and further away from me, leaving this black emptiness of night between us, this chasm that I could never cross, growing wider and deeper with each passing day, until even her light will not reach me

The last 10 years of unbearable loneliness have finally gotten to me, I think.

I may very well be losing my fucking mind.

It never ends, this aching sorrow, this sense of ultimate bereftness
half a person, and the time just passes by, runs out
my soul is an hourglass dripping time
(all we need is… time)
neither past nor future hold any surprises
a thousand rainy days have come and gone away
like rain clouds and summer squalls
and all those memories evaporated
like salty tears,
like blood from my wounds.

It never ends, tortured, tormented by memories so sweet, so dear,
so never meant to be mine
bewitched by starlight, the softness of your voice
the fragrance of your hair carried by the wind
your eyes sparkling in the sunset
as the sun plunges into the deep blue sea

I’ll say it at last. I only want emptiness.
Not this half-remembering, half-dreaming
scraping and tearing, wishing it were not so
my heart flutters, my mind flails
and I cannot wish
I dare not wish
for time to run widdershins
maybe in a trillion, trillion tries
I would still slam into stone
obliterate myself at high speed
leaving behind this mangled mess
that tries to pass itself off as a man

It never ends, I’ll weep and wail
curse and go into convulsions
and still I can’t seem to extricate this madness
from my heart
an expired hope that will not die
(long past sell-by date, but still on the shelf)
fury and rage cannot serve me
and as far as I’ve tried, I cannot hit bottom
nor find myself drowning in this bitter cup of despair
(the heart, the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak)

And yet Death is the only escape
The only open door
The final common pathway
One day at last, I will bravely step over that threshold
and find some kind of peace

Nine years ago, driving down to San Diego to watch “Dogeaters” at the Mandeville Center on the UCSD campus.

If you could read my mind, love,
what a tale my thoughts could tell,
just like an old time movie
‘bout a ghost from a wishin’ well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
with chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.
And I will never be set free
as long as I’m a ghost that you can’t see.

If I could read your mind, love,
what a tale your thoughts could tell,
just like a paperback novel,
the kind that drugstores sell.
When you reach the part where the heartaches come, the hero would be me.
But heroes often fail.
And you won’t read that book again
because the ending is just too hard to take.

I’d walk away like a movie star
who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two.
A movie queen to play the scene
of bringing all the good things out in me.
But for now, love, let’s be real.
I never knew I could act this way,
and I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong
but the feeling’s gone,
and I just can’t get it back.

If you could read my mind, love,
what a tale my thoughts could tell,
just like an old time movie
‘bout a ghost from a wishin’ well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
with chains upon my feet,
but stories always end.
And if you read between the lines
you’ll know that I’m just tryin’ to understand
the feelin’ that we lack.
I never knew I could feel this way,
and I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it.
I don’t know where we went wrong
but the feelin’s gone,
and I just can’t get it back.

Apparently I’m not going escape this pit of despair just quite yet.