tags: despair
1998
October
- 1998 Oct 8
- Endless Wonder
I am to wonder, I am to wonder
· Read more…
Dreaming of finishing this book
flipping pages until it's over
but it's never over
remembering flames, the buildings all lit up
amidst the burned-out wreckage
2001
January
- 2001 Jan 17
- Trembling
Holy mother of God! Why am I trembling? Something like joy courses through my veins, but the tears are waiting to fall. Will it be like this for the rest of my waking hours, to stand still, lost in a fog of indecision, while happiness is something that happens to other people?
· Read more…
April
- 2001 Apr 29
- The Flipside of Despair
Hope is nothing but the flipside of despair
· Read more…
running on empty, still, something
burning like acid, chilling like frost
veins all tapped out, and yet you still bleed
you lie there all tingling
upon bloodstained sheets
no game left to play, the dice always come up snake-eyes
and still your eyes flutter open
with the kiss of the sunlight
2004
May
- 2004 May 30
- hope (or the lack thereof)
"Hope!?" X spluttered, anger and confusion mingled. "Don't tell me about hope!"
· Read more…
October
- 2004 Oct 13
- Knowing That the World Was Right
In the light of day, my despair evaporates. with the sun shining, it's hard to imagine the aching sadness, the weight of 10 years of wandering the desert, alone and forsaken, suddenly coming down upon me in the middle of the night, unannounced and unexpected.
· Read more…
2005
January
- 2005 Jan 25
- masochism
On R's advice (as you can see, I am very suggestible), I headed up to the Central Coast and am hanging around Cambria and vicinity (which includes such places as Cayucos, San Simeon, Morro Bay, San Luis Obispo, Atascadero, Templeton, and Paso Robles, among others.) Mostly, I just want to stare at the sea. (There is clearly something very wrong with me.)
· Read more…
2006
August
- 2006 Aug 3
- perdido
the lost one
· Read more…
wandering down the shadowed path
2 days since I’d seen the sun
panic, and then
peace
2007
August
- 2007 Aug 2
- this type of hero
How much of your destiny is truly predetermined? How much of it is self-fulfilling prophecy? (There are technical terms for these things, I think, except I can’t remember them. Confirmation bias? Forer effect?)
· Read more…
September
- 2007 Sep 23
- letting go
trust not to hope
· Read more…
hope will have you believing in things
that have no hope of coming true
and despair is not the absence of hope
no, despair is hope so thin and frail and fragile
hope so deadly, so fell, so fraught with peril
a thread of hope so sharp, so razor-thin
cutting deeply, jaggedly, viciously
2008
March
- 2008 Mar 11
- looking back at the last decade of my life
It seems like an infinitely long time since I last claimed to understand what love is. There was a time in what seems like another lifetime when I thought I got it. In nerd slang, I grokked it, once upon a time.
· Read more…
May
- 2008 May 4
- all i need is a map and a set of wheels
Fear and panic in the air.
· Read more…
I want to be free
from desolation and despair.
And I feel like everything I saw
is being swept away
when I refuse to let you go. - 2008 May 6
- get this right
I don't know. Maybe S. is right. Maybe the last 3 years 10 months have finally caught up to me.
· Read more… -
- 2008 May 13
- time/chance
15 years: 5,480 sunsets
· Read more…
the days spin by, the hours whirl
blurring into infinity
and I can't remember where I've been
nor all the answers that I figured out
falling out of my hands
scattered wildly like spilled grain
as I was, so I will be
upon this path to nowhere
to anywhere
June
- 2008 Jun 11
- ¡ay caramba!
Coherence is probably a little too much to ask at this hour, after this much to drink. Today I have come to another bitter revelation, and I have a good idea of what my trajectory is going to be.
· Read more… - 2008 Jun 28
- wall-e
No, I haven't watched it yet, so there aren't any spoilers. I just read the review in the L.A. Times from yesterday, and it seems like it would be very much my movie, the way, I suppose, I got obsessed with "Beauty and the Beast", even.
· Read more…
July
- 2008 Jul 31
- the wound
As I sit here procrastinating, irrationally hoping that I can somehow, someday figure out how to stop time, it occurred to me that I will probably never be whole again.
· Read more…
August
- 2008 Aug 16
- route
in this voiceless silence interrupted
· Read more…
by the whirring internal combustion
engines, rubber running across worn-down
concrete, these assemblies of metal growl
past, slashing through the air like two-ton knives
at 70 miles per hour, almost
like the tumult of a rushing river
or waves crashing down on the silver shore
my mind lost in the eddies and whirpools
of wind and debris, as the sunlight streams
in, vainly trying to evaporate
the dark mood crouching upon my soul like
a gremlin ready to ambush and havoc - 2008 Aug 20
- not in this timeline
a phantom lifestyle imagined by my fevered mind where there would be someone at home who would wish me luck and send me out with a hug and a kiss, and there would be someone to look forward to seeing once
· Read more…
it's all over
September
- 2008 Sep 2
- now I definitely can't sleep
I think I was supposed to learn something from this. I wish I knew what it was, though.
- 2008 Sep 7
- a frank assessment
Now his failure is complete
· Read more…
—Darth Vader - 2008 Sep 7
- subito
there was never anything more than fine gossamer threads of hope
· Read more…
fraying and tenuous, breaking, snapping, tearing with the slightest breeze
the merest whisper
more like a dream than anything else
so that awakening came like a disaster
and the dawn brought nothing but dread - 2008 Sep 7
- 2 for the price of 1
I don't know why it grieves me so, when I knew this was lost already.
· Read more… - 2008 Sep 7
- lacuna
The mornings are the worst,
· Read more…
when all of the sudden,
you are reminded of all that
failed to come true, of all that is not there
all that has never been, and all that will never be - 2008 Sep 21
- the last day of summer always feels so cold
It's been 8 years since this song was released by The Cure. I remember that the first time I heard it, I felt that it captured perfectly my despair from that moment my heart shattered 13 years ago.
· Read more…
November
- 2008 Nov 12
- milestones
What are the little worries of our lives, against the backdrop of tumultuous history?
· Read more…
December
- 2008 Dec 2
- doesn't seem like it's going to be today
This is my life, and it's ending one minute at a time
· Read more…
2010
March
- 2010 Mar 18
- it's always darkest right before it goes pitch black
I've always believed that despair is not synonymous with the absence of hope. But it now just occurs to me that despair is actually when you begin to believe that having no hope would be preferable to the slim fragile sliver of hope that you're clinging to, even as it wounds you with its seeming impossibility, like a piece of shrapnel inching its way slowly through the flesh of your heart with every beat, as your life's blood seeps away drop by drop while you pine away for something you can't figure out how to achieve, no matter how many nights you've spent lying awake in the darkness, your gut paralyzed, silent, and still, acid gnawing and rasping at your entrails.
· Read more…
2012
February
- 2012 Feb 3
- not in a good space right now
I am feeling especially futile right now.
· Read more…
April
- 2012 Apr 6
- a common etiology of anxiety and panic
Sometimes I feel like telling people "the reason why you can't sleep and can't eat and feel like your heart is going to explode is because you've totally bought in to the American Dream bullshit, and it's slowly but surely killing you."
· Read more…