The mornings are the worst,
when all of the sudden,
you are reminded of all that
failed to come true, of all that is not there
all that has never been, and all that will never be

Like cold steel slicing between the ribs
straight into your beating heart
quivering helplessly with each beat
then twisted and turned
yanked back
then plunged back in again

Like shark’s teeth gnawing, shredding
rending, tearing
until all that is left is the blood
muddying the deep blue water
and still somehow, through all this
against all reason, I continue to live

I have tried to empty my heart
of all desire
let my heart be still
and want no more
let my heart stay frozen and undisturbed
to never dream again
to never imagine warmth and tenderness
never again to thaw from a loving smile
nor from kind words,
nor from a warm embrace
stopped, and drained dry
so that I might hide it away forever
keep it bound and locked up
so that it may never again be found

better this eternal darkness that I know
this numb silence of regret
and permanent loss
this echoing emptiness
than this aching, writhing half-existence, forever yearning to be filled.