mahiwaga

Now his failure is complete
—Darth Vader

there was never anything more than fine gossamer threads of hope
fraying and tenuous, breaking, snapping, tearing with the slightest breeze
the merest whisper
more like a dream than anything else
so that awakening came like a disaster
and the dawn brought nothing but dread

untethered, my soul writhes
unbound, directionless, unmoored
drifting aimlessly in this empty sea of silence
without a soul in sight
bobbing up and down like an abandoned dinghy
forgotten flotsam slowly sinking into the deep
I cling desperately to shattered, splintered driftwood
knowing soon I will grow too weary
to hold fast to the broken fragments
to swim against this current

the waves shall take me
in the deep fastness I shall lie

and maybe this existential torment, too
is nothing but a nightmarish dream
and one day I shall awaken
at last knowing that every ending is a new beginning
for every closed door, there is an open one

I cling to this thought
bind it to myself, clasp it tight
this final hope
that, one day, my hour will come
and this, too, shall then end

I’m a sucker for these song about unrequited love and failed relationships, failed attempts at connecting. I don’t remember when I first heard this song, I just remember it was while the sun was shining down upon me as i drove south on the I-15 somewhere between Corona and Temecula, a lot happier than I am right now.

And it starts…
sometime around midnight
or at least that’s when
you lose yourself
for a minute or two

As you stand…
under the barlights
and the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while
and the piano’s this melancholy soundcheck
to her smile
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her
for a while

But you know…
that she’s watching
She’s laughing, she’s turning
she’s holding her tonic like a cross
The room suddenly spinning
she walks up and asks how you are
so you can smell her perfume
you can see her lying naked in your arms

And so there’s a change…
in your emotions
and all of these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind
of the curl of your bodies
like two perfect circles entwined
and you feel hopeless, and homeless
and lost in the haze
of the wine

And she leaves…
with someone you don’t know
but she makes sure you saw her
she looks right at you and bolts
As she walks out the door
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes
and when your friends say what is it
you look like you’ve seen a ghost

And you walk…
under the streetlights
and you’re too drunk to notice
that everyone is staring at you
and you just don’t care what you look like
the world is falling
around you

You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her
You just have to see her

and you know that she’ll break you
in two

I don’t know why it grieves me so, when I knew this was lost already.

The mornings are the worst,
when all of the sudden,
you are reminded of all that
failed to come true, of all that is not there
all that has never been, and all that will never be

Like cold steel slicing between the ribs
straight into your beating heart
quivering helplessly with each beat
then twisted and turned
yanked back
then plunged back in again

Like shark’s teeth gnawing, shredding
rending, tearing
until all that is left is the blood
muddying the deep blue water
and still somehow, through all this
against all reason, I continue to live

I have tried to empty my heart
of all desire
let my heart be still
and want no more
let my heart stay frozen and undisturbed
to never dream again
to never imagine warmth and tenderness
never again to thaw from a loving smile
nor from kind words,
nor from a warm embrace
stopped, and drained dry
so that I might hide it away forever
keep it bound and locked up
so that it may never again be found

better this eternal darkness that I know
this numb silence of regret
and permanent loss
this echoing emptiness
than this aching, writhing half-existence, forever yearning to be filled.