tags: unrequited
1997
April
- 1997 Apr 20
- Chasm
She sits five feet away from me, yet it might as well be a light-year
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I have no hope of bridging the gap
no hope of filling the chasm
yet still I long…
Perhaps it is only wishing to finish what I started
come to a clean end and get on with my life
But the stillness in my heart keeps me frozen in place
Slowly dying with every breath.
Perhaps it is only wishing to share my heart freely
to worry not of receiving pain and sorrow
but only giving joy and laughter
without counting the cost.
Yet my heart is as heavy as stone, hard as rock
and I grow cold and numb with each passing second
If only I were brave, and the stillness in my heart were broken
then I could do what I needed to do
and face the consequences no matter how dire
I could live.
But I'm not brave.
October
- 1997 Oct 1
- Non Possum Sperare
You cannot hope, foolish boy with mad dreams
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seeking to break the Wheel of Time
and steal the scythe of Death - 1997 Oct 9
- Drown My Sorrow
Half a bottle now empty, the rain is trickling, I can hear it
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pattering on the windowpane. I swear the wind wants to shatter it
open, crack it into a million pieces like my tormented heart. I don't
even know where to begin, find a soft, still quiet place to rest, to
hide from this wracking wretchedness. Oh how I wish I had never been
born, though it is useless to rail against Fate, the best I can do is
take another swig and hope for the best. Oh, but to win, once, to
wear the laurel crown, stand the tallest on the pedestal, to have that
one sweet moment in time.
1998
July
- 1998 Jul 11
- Forsaken
I've seen a trillion stars
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Burning upon the midnight sky
Still hoping for impossibilities
Still wishing for what cannot be
Even as my heart crumbles
Like a dessicated carcass long in the desert sun
Ash, ash, and no hope
Tell me the missteps I've taken
I wish to know what to regret
Much better the particular, specific grief
Rather than this dull, general drear
I trod upon the wayward path
Leading to the endless abyss
The land of the damned
Where the very idea of happiness
Is a ludicrous absurdity
that sets its denizens erupting with mirthless laughter
Oh, how laughter is cruelty
I know it not without its sharp barbs
Laughter which comes from my throat
Knows nothing of joy
and everything of bitterness
Still I dare ask why
I must be
Continue on
As this empty shell of a man
No dreams for tomorrow
I do not wish to stir even today
For the fire in my heart is extinguished
And not even an ember glows
I want nothing
For all I have desired has led to disappointment
And hope has just become another word for despair
I want nothing
But the silent grave of oblivion is slow to creep
Time crawls, inch by inch
I have a hundred thousand days to waste
wanting nothing
And still I will not get what I want
No do not tell me to wait for better times
I know everything about waiting
Waiting leads but to one thing
And that is only more waiting
and waiting to wait
life is only endless waiting
No do not tell me things will get better
For I have hoped with all my strength
wished with all my might
And still I have nothing to show for it
Though I crawl through the mud from sunrise to sunset
And bend my back in hard labor
I am dead
though I must still keep living
I know this is true because I no longer feel anything
2002
March
- 2002 Mar 23
- Acute Distress
Don’t give up? Please don’t patronize me.
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April
- 2002 Apr 1
- I Don't Want to Feel This Way Forever
OK I give up! Someone untie me!
· Read more… - 2002 Apr 4
- Done
Whatever.
· Read more… - 2002 Apr 7
- Dead Weight
I keep holding myself down, for reasons I can’t even begin to fathom. Somehow I’ve got to get these chains off my ankle, shoot back up to the surface, and finally take a deep breath.
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May
- 2002 May 30
- Mission Accomplished
Target destroyed.
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June
- 2002 Jun 11
- Blowing Chunks
Even more fear and loathing in Las Vegas.
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2003
February
- 2003 Feb 9
- Falling
I don’t want to hope for impossible things, and yet I can’t ignore it either.
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2006
June
- 2006 Jun 24
- songs for another journey on my own
I immediately hearken to “10:15 Saturday Night” by The Cure, although I’ve long stopped waiting for the telephone to ring. It seems that that long, dark tea-time of the soul hits me long before Sunday, and it’s kind of sad that I’ve forgotten how to enjoy a weekend on my own.
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August
- 2006 Aug 15
- running away at first sight
The real reason I grew confused and insane is that I realized that I still like someone else a lot, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. (And this is probably unwise and stupid to post here, but I really don’t care anymore. I’m like a tagger with a spraypaint can, leaving “Kilroy was here” all over the place, like a dog pissing on trees. If you can figure out who I am, and who I’m talking about, well, good for you, it doesn’t change a goddamn thing.)
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2007
April
- 2007 Apr 9
- mika “happy ending”
This is one of the happiest songs I’ve ever heard about such a depressing topic:
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September
- 2007 Sep 4
- even starlight fades
the fragrance of her hair haunts me
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the way her eyes sparkle when she smiles
the sound of her laughter
the curve of her face
the quiet grace of her every move - 2007 Sep 5
- counterbalance
Last night I dreamt that someone confessed her feelings for me—not that it mattered even in my dream, since she was married and had kids. And she kissed me, leaving me literally floored. It was too late, much too much too late, but to know that all my heartache, all my suffering had not been completely in vain was something of a comfort to me. Even though nothing could change, that bit of knowledge consoled me.
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2008
April
- 2008 Apr 22
- anticipating karaoke night
J™ reminds me of this classic chestnut, one the great theme songs of unrequited love.
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June
- 2008 Jun 24
- realized
OK. I'm too exhausted to make up a video. I know it's crappy, and I must warn you, there's a possibility your tympanic membranes will rupture, and you might be enraged and/or disgusted by dropped notes, off notes, and screwed up timing, but I just had to post it.
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2009
March
- 2009 Mar 19
- fragment lacking antecedents
that which I thought the greatest thing
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this I had never lost
for I had never possessed it
it was never mine to begin with
2010
July
- 2010 Jul 27
- low quality dreams
I've been disappointed at the dearth of dreams I've been having since I watched "Inception". There are only two that I remember. The first one was fairly vague. All I remember is trying to hijack a Final Fantasy-style airship. The second one involved me and my ex from high school in an alternate timeline where we never broke up and we were supposed to go to a wedding that I first assumed was in Las Vegas, given all the casinos and hotels, and the fact that it was the middle of the desert. The only thing that was totally off was the fact that this dream city had a port, and I remember thinking in my dream "When did Las Vegas get a port?" The dream involved searching for a particular book in all of this dream city's bookstores. Yeah, not very exciting.
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2011
October
- 2011 Oct 17
- somehow shifted
Funny how the random function of my iPod can just make my thoughts go "that a way", to steal a turn of phrase. "I See the Light1" from the "Tangled" soundtrack started playing, and I started thinking about fairy tales. There has been much ink spilled and many photons shed about how Disney ruins little girls, but maybe it's not really that gender-specific. While it might be argued that Hollywood in general peddles the pernicious idea of "happily ever after", none of the studios inculcates this idea so universally to people at such a young age.
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2012
July
- 2012 Jul 9
- years after it was much too, much too late
It's weird how random memories will sneak up on me. Usually while I'm driving, but I suppose that really shouldn't be that surprising since I live in Southern California, and odds are, I'm in my car.
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2014
January
- 2014 Jan 31
- maybe it's enough
I dreamt about a woman whom I've had unrequited feelings for. She was hugging me and telling me that we'd always be friends. In retrospect, it was probably for the best. As if it could've turned out any other way.
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June
- 2014 Jun 26
- Sam Smith "Good Thing"
I guess wasn't kidding that this album is basically all about unrequited love. I heard this song for the first time on KCRW last night and just from the lyrics figured out who it was. And I groaned in self-recognition and then laughed hysterically :D (originally posted on Facebook)
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