tags: major depression
2000
December
- 2000 Dec 14
- Flying Somewhere Over Arizona
[I am guessing what time it really is.] I am suddenly inspired by Borges and by Radiohead (I [am in] love [with] their song "Idioteque"). It is troubling that my life only became bearable when I [started fantasizing that] I was dying [from an indolent disease with a protracted course of illness] (although we [really] are all dying….) This allowed me to rest my mind and actually go to sleep content. I imagined the lengthy doctor's visits and hospital stays, [spending my last days] tramping throughout the countryside, and maybe to the Old World. Give me an excuse to visit Rome and London. And I would write. How joyous that would be! But this is only assuming that my insurance would pay. I would hopefully get to die in a morphine haze.
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2001
January
- 2001 Jan 24
- Panem et Circenses
Watching TV makes me think of the fall of the Roman Empire, the bread, the circuses, the orgies, the vomitoriums. I guess it's like riding a waterfall [into a cesspool]. TV is an honest-to-God sewer.
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April
- 2001 Apr 27
- Guessing about the Geography
I thought I had given up on this, what with the rationale for this monolithic screed having evaporated two months ago and the fact that I have brought my madness online, but I guess unless I finally do get a laptop, I'm going to have to put my thoughts somewhere when I'm on a trip. And I did promise to use up all the paper in this notebook anyway.
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2003
June
- 2003 Jun 21
- Forfeit
There is just nothing left to say.
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July
- 2003 Jul 14
- The Art of Self-Medication - Reprise
Another confession: I have serious problems. But some of you already knew that. Why I don’t tell people who are close to me, and yet I’m OK with telling the entire Internet, who knows?
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2006
June
- 2006 Jun 11
- meditation on inadequacy
I find it interesting that my mind is unable to remodel the emotional trajectory of my life through at least the last 10-15 years. I remember being someone who was a perfectionist, inordinably hard on myself, always thinking that I was a failure, that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t smart enough, that I’d never succeed. I recognize that a lot of this was in response to a mother who was excruciatingly demanding, who couldn’t stand things being done in any other way than her own, and who would just do things for me instead letting me do things my own way.
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2012
May
- 2012 May 28
- almost like a time machine
I have always used music to index time, since I was a little kid. I may not remember exact dates, but I can often remember the exact details of what was happening around me the first time I hear a song.
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