tags: stream of consciousness

The rain trickles down; drizzle patters against the asphalt and the concrete

2000

August

2000 Aug 22

I've got to do better than this, at least fifteen minutes a day, maybe.

I'm letting myself slip again, letting much too much time pass between these little confessions. I was trying to go to sleep, as this raging headache abates, and I probably would have succeeded if the phone did not ring, pushing my sweet subconscious thoughts to the foreground.

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2001

January

2001 Jan 17

Trembling

Holy mother of God! Why am I trembling? Something like joy courses through my veins, but the tears are waiting to fall. Will it be like this for the rest of my waking hours, to stand still, lost in a fog of indecision, while happiness is something that happens to other people?

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February

2006

May

2006 May 25

twisting paths

a vision as I stare into the western sky
clouds looming up like a great wall
impenetrable marking the boundary between
the land—what must be
and
the sea—what is possible

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November

2006 Nov 20

fragmentation and the retrospectoscope

…less and less of this makes any sense. I all of the sudden had to ask myself, what exactly am I hiding from? Why do I hide behind the shadows and the walls, cower in the dark spaces, and the corners? What was it that happened, that made me want to disappear, never to be seen again?

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December

2006 Dec 2

the words are exploding in my head

I don’t know anymore. There are a million things that I need to say in a particular order, and it’s all coming apart at the seams. There’s just too much information out there, it’s like looking for a way to pick up one molecule of water at a time out of the ocean, making sure to pick each one up in a particular sequence.

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2006 Dec 5

shadows, echoes, and reverberations

becomes a shadow
dancing on the line
thread upon thread
twirled into the mist
beneath the shattered steel
the dull gray concrete
I walk warily
banner unfurled
sword unsheathéd
dawn creeps nigh

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2006 Dec 19

life, death, trifles, and the fading sunlight

I read an intern’s blog post about a patient dying, and it sort of recentered me.

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2007

February

2007 Feb 25

a hundred million things

Two days off in a row is a rare boon, almost a vacation, considering the breakneck schedule I’ve been running on as of late, averaging about 80 hours a week. The downside is that I have to work 12 days in a row, which basically just really sucks. Around day 10 I start getting extremely cranky, and by day 11 I’m ready to bite people. But I can’t do anything about it except call in sick, which is, at times, tempting.

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