tags: congestive soul failure
2002
June
- 2002 Jun 11
- Blowing Chunks
Even more fear and loathing in Las Vegas.
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 12
- Champagne Supernova
Go Lakers! I love L.A.!
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 13
- Travelogue
The brain barf begins.
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 17
- More Loneliness
…than any man can bear. Rescue me before I fall into despair. I’ll send an S.O.S. out to the world….
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 17
- Sunset Blvd.
I drive through her streets ‘cause she’s my companion/I walk through her hills ‘cause she knows who I am….
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 19
- Transience
On the road again. Err. In the air again?
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- 2002 Jun 24
- Tirade of the Broken Soul
I can’t do it. I’m trying, but I just feel like I’m slipping down the chute with every passing day.
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 25
- Fuck It/Fight It
It’s all the same.
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 26
- The Number of the Beast
Cause a 252 ain’t worth your soul, a 252 ain’t worth your soul, a 252 ain’t worth it.
· Read more… - 2002 Jun 27
- Typical Scenario
Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again
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July
- 2002 Jul 1
- Portentiousness (Chapter 1)
I get knocked down, then I get up again.
· Read more… - 2002 Jul 2
- Singularity
More melodrama.
· Read more… - 2002 Jul 6
- A Thin Line
Between entertainment and trauma.
· Read more… - 2002 Jul 7
- Essential Hyper-Emptiness
A common disease with no known cure.
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August
- 2002 Aug 14
- Acute Brain Obstruction
That’s all she wrote.
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September
- 2002 Sep 14
- (Re)Flux
A little momentary brain burp.
· Read more… - 2002 Sep 25
- Recycling
Random garbage spewed on the city streets today.
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October
- 2002 Oct 5
- Perseveration
Alone again on a Friday night.
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 15
- The Art of Not Wanting Revisited
I didn’t come up with it myself.
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 18
- The Fall of the Republic - Continued
The Advent of the Empire. “A little rebellion now is a good thing” — Thomas Jefferson
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 21
- Synchronicity - Episode IV - A New Hope
The word, and all its attendant madness.
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 23
- Holistic Detection
More quotes. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, one person’s rampant chaos and discord is another person’s exquisite order and harmony. And randomness to one person may be clear direction to another. (Hence, the unending battle between evolutionists and creationists.)
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 27
- Altered Mental Status
You know who you are. If only I had the strength to pull the arrow out of my heart.
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 28
- The Way of the Gun
Don’t shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me.
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 29
- On Digital Rectal Exams
digital root word digit, from Middle English, from Latin digitus finger, toe. (Courtesy of The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition.) We don’t stick computer probes up there, just fingers.
· Read more… - 2002 Oct 31
- Seventeen Dollars Worth of Chemicals
What fueled the emergence of self?
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November
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- 2002 Nov 4
- Annum III in Exilio (What the Hell Am I Doing with My Life?)
Oh, no. Not again. (Very famous last words attributed to a bowl of petunias which I will quote again and again incessantly.)
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 15
- Completely Shot Out
Quiet thoughts from the middle of the night.
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 16
- Wound Check - Post Op Day 1
Recurrent acute mental emesis (another brain barf)
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 18
- Manual Disimpaction
This is what happens when you don’t get restful sleep.
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 20
- Paper Thin
I think I am wearing down.
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 22
- Perserveration
Over and over again.
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 27
- The Guilelessness of Fatigue
The rush of adrenaline as you escape the city at 70 mph, barreling down the Interstate into the high desert, where there are tumultous rain storms, blasting winds, and wondrous mirages. This is how I feel at this moment, metaphorically speaking. May God have mercy on my soul.
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 28
- Summit
Inspiration strikes at odd hours. I have said this once before. I hope I do not live to regret it. And I mean that last sentence in all the ways it can be interpreted.
· Read more… - 2002 Nov 29
- Sweet Honesty
A couple of cigarettes and a lot of booze, and all of the sudden all my secrets come out.
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December
- 2002 Dec 1
- In the Maw of Melodrama
If I could only stop picking at my scabs, I wonder if there is a chance I might heal?
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 4
- I Don't Care (Right)
I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but I’ll post this anyways.
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 6
- Hedging My Bets
I am deathly afraid of having to lay all my cards out on the table.
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 8
- Post
“Are you postal today?” the on-call resident asked the post-call resident. No, I suppose none of this is really coherent at all.
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 13
- Hysteria
Space.
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 19
- Only This and Nothing More
To all the girls I’ve loved before….
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 21
- The Longest Night
And all the world’s weight is on my back and I don’t even know why.
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 24
- The Christmas Before Last (Do Not Read This If You Want to Be Happy)
Oooh. I am in rare form today. Here’s to the darkness and the never ending void. “Out of doubt, out of dark to the day’s rising/I came singing in the sun, sword unsheathing./To hope’s end I rode and to heart’s breaking….” – J.R.R. Tolkien from The Lord of the Rings
· Read more… - 2002 Dec 25
- So This Is Christmas
This is the Day.
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2003
January
- 2003 Jan 9
- Long December
…and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.
· Read more… - 2003 Jan 13
- Serenity Now!
Oh yes. I am a bitter, resentful bastard.
· Read more… - 2003 Jan 17
- Imperfect God
The incredible communication gap between mortal and immortal.
· Read more… - 2003 Jan 18
- The Drunken Blog
I am so very tired of this shit, and yet, for some reason, I can’t stay away. I am so doomed.
· Read more… - 2003 Jan 18
- Two Weeks In
Again. Meh-moo-rreez….
· Read more… - 2003 Jan 23
- The Quest for Long Underwear
Briefly, there is a hiatus.
· Read more… - 2003 Jan 24
- America the Beautiful
We hold these Truths to be self-evident: that all men (and women) are created equal.
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February
- 2003 Feb 2
- Winter
We spend quite a bit of our lives just waiting. Oh well.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 3
- Danger!
(Tangent: Rule number one of fantasy novels: never read the prologues. They are all completely pointless. Even the one for_The Lord of the Rings_. I know too many people who failed to even start LotR because they couldn't get through the Prologue. But this parenthetical aside as just as pointless.)
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 7
- The Last Days of the Republic
Et tu, Brute? Et tu?
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 8
- Requiem
For the men and women who risked their lives in pursuit of a pure dream.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 9
- Falling
I don’t want to hope for impossible things, and yet I can’t ignore it either.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 9
- Vast Uncharted Expanse
Down the road that I dared not go.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 12
- Happy Birthday, Abe
And then another holiday two days from now. Am I doomed? Am I just going to let another one slip away? Or am I just having another delusionary, solipsistic moment?
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 14
- Disorientation
Hmmm. Pure parietal lobe? Or frontal lobe causing severe depression? This is the problem of being a medical student.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 15
- The Art of Not Wanting: The Saga Continues
Fuck this shit.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 16
- The Revolution Will Be Blogged
The People have made their Will known.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 17
- Paranoid Android
I want to say more, but I don’t know who is reading this. Damn it.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 18
- Vague Description
I am trying to understand the Way.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 18
- Insomnia
I can’t get to sleep/I think about the implications/of diving in too deep/and possibly the complications//Especially at night/I worry over situations/I know I’ll be all right/Perhaps it’s just imagination.
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 19
- The Edge
More than anything else, this is what I’ll never feel again.
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- 2003 Feb 25
- Why Gandalf Chose Not to Remove Saddam Hussein
If you’re going to parody something, either use the source material in a completely bizarre and unrelated way, or try to stay true to the source so that all the allusions are consistent
· Read more… - 2003 Feb 28
- Whither George Jetson?
Not exactly what I pictured when I was a little kid, but the future is a pretty interesting place.
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March
- 2003 Mar 4
- Snow
Navel gazing as the storm broods outside my doorstep.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 5
- There Is No Hope
It is all meaningless distraction. Samsara. It is the state of nothingness that I seek.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 7
- ¡Ay Caramba!
I guess one of my favorite hobbies is feeling sorry for myself. Gah.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 8
- Yikes!
The last days of the Republic. Bread and circuses. Instead of gladiators going at it, we have common folk humiliating each other and selling each other out.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 12
- The Universe Is a Big Doughnut
Delirium AKA acute confusional state. (I wonder how Dream’s little sister feels about her new name? Read “Sandman” by Neil Gaiman to figure what the hell I’m talking about.)
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 14
- comments on "The Universe Is a Big Doughnut"
Comment on The Universe Is a Big Doughnut • 2003 Mar 12 • Congestive Soul Failure
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 15
- Anonymity and the Wonderfully Bizarre Age of Information
How to keep blog personae anonymous. Still looking for solutions.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 16
- I Will Never Understand
It is impossible to change someone if they don’t want to change. How tragic.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 16
- Assessment: Acute Confusional State - Resolved
You just told me he was the most horrible person you know. You’re getting back together with him. Makes perfect sense to me.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 16
- Bounceback
Just when you thought it was over.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 20
- Shock and Awe
This sequel sucks.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 22
- Minutiae
No business as usual, but life still needs to be lived, I suppose.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 23
- Counting on One Hand
The number of single friends I have continues to diminish.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 26
- Burning Out
Sometimes you just gotta curl up into a little ball and cry yourself to sleep. Then it’s easier to pull yourself together the next.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 27
- Short Takes: Music, Decisions
A couple of brain burps.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 30
- The Catcher in the Rye
I need to figure out why I want to do Pediatrics.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 30
- Sunday Afternoon
Reflection. Oh my. My brain is not working.
· Read more… - 2003 Mar 30
- Why Can't My Life Be Simple (Chronic Blogorrhea)
I am so damned tired. I need a vacation. But time waits for no one.
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April
- 2003 Apr 10
- Pinnacle
When you’re at the top, where else can you go? (I’m not a religious man, but if you can hear me… save me Superman!)
· Read more… - 2003 Apr 12
- Instant Messaging Fun
Random madness between two strange individuals.
· Read more… - 2003 Apr 12
- Signs and Symptoms
More brain barf. Yes I know I promised to stop thinking. Especially about women. Especially about what they’re thinking.
· Read more… - 2003 Apr 19
- Good Friday (Delayed Reaction)
Crucifixion on my mind.
· Read more… - 2003 Apr 20
- More Apophenia
“The Ring,” “Ringu,” Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk, Pattern Recognition by William Gibson, and all sorts of random trivia emanating from my obviously cracked brain
· Read more… - 2003 Apr 21
- Better Luck Tomorrow
Mental flatus regarding the acclaimed movie by Asian American director Justin Lin.
· Read more… - 2003 Apr 27
- Excess Baggage
I really am a godforsaken packrat.
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May
- 2003 May 3
- The Unstuck Piece of Tape (Lysis of Adhesions)
The more things change…
· Read more… - 2003 May 4
- The Spell Is Broken
The end of another chapter. Time continues to fly.
· Read more… - 2003 May 7
- I'm Not the One Who's Crazy!
Schizophrenia. Maybe I do need to be on medication.
· Read more… - 2003 May 10
- Mantra
Fear not of men because men must die.
· Read more… - 2003 May 16
- The Matrix Reloaded — Unreal City (SPOILERS!)
The Prophecy shall be fulfilled. Every city is a manifestation of Unreal City—Babylon, Rome, London, New York, Chicago, L.A., everywhere and nowhere.
· Read more… - 2003 May 17
- Curiouser and Curiouser
I am Alice in fucking Wonderland right now. It’s only a matter of time until the shit hits the fan and the Jabberwock comes chomping on my ass.
· Read more… - 2003 May 18
- Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
See the luck I’ve had would make a good man turn bad.
· Read more… - 2003 May 18
- Fidgety
I know what is going to happen, but I guarantee I’m still going to feel like crap.
· Read more… - 2003 May 19
- These Dreams
As real as it seems, it was only in my dreams. (Help me, help me! I’m trapped in the 1980’s!)
· Read more… - 2003 May 19
- I'll Send an S.O.S. to the World
I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle.
· Read more… - 2003 May 20
- Game Over
And yet: Insert Coin to Continue. Damn.
· Read more… - 2003 May 22
- Time Marches On
Taking my head out of my ass at least to catch a breath.
· Read more… - 2003 May 22
- My Life Is Whack
That’s right, folks. Tear your hair out along with me.
· Read more… - 2003 May 24
- Movie Night
In tribute to Virginia Madsen.
· Read more… - 2003 May 26
- If Seurat Had Written A Blog
A rather heavy-handed analogy. Impressions of an evening wobbling out of control.
· Read more… - 2003 May 26
- Yesterday
I can’t stay/And keep living this lie/I finally found the strength to say goodbye/I’m on my way/Nothing can change my mind/I’m leaving behind what we had/Yesterday
· Read more… - 2003 May 26
- Signs of an Intractable Situation
It’s all so simple, and yet….
· Read more… - 2003 May 31
- The Road Goes Ever On and On — Revisited
Ah, to return from exile. Does nothing ever last? At least longer than an effervescent moment?
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June
- 2003 Jun 1
- Trail of Crumbs
None of this really matters, all happiness is effervescent. But some day I fear a player will be born.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 2
- Confounding Factors (with a Quick Primer on Psychoses)
The fine difference between an illusion and a hallucination. I need to get this shit out of my head, and I’m not talking about those damned voices.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 4
- Responding to Internal Stimuli
Seriously. The next time something like this happens, I need you to take a brick to my head. I mean it.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 5
- Voices in My Head
Bits and pieces of me keep passing out. Random quotes and song lyrics that happen to be very appropriate commentary on my life. And, once again, I need to take a break, but, once again, I am probably not going to.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 6
- Keeping Score
A good day after all.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 7
- Always Have a Plan (Simple Pleasures)
I need to reverse this paralysis, need to shake off this fear of the future.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 9
- Word Salad (This Bird Has Flown)
Little snippets of things that make little to no sense.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 9
- Whiplash (Do You Hear That Rubberband Snap?)
I, sir, am officially a sucker. P.T. Barnum would’ve loved me.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 11
- Jumping to Conclusions
Just don’t do it. To assume makes an ass out of u and me. (Yes I know that what I’ve written is incoherent and driveling. So be it.)
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 12
- Despite It All, There Is Still Hope
Sure, I’m not dying, I just can’t think of anything better to do.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 12
- Kilroy Was Here
This is pretty much about nothing.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 17
- Outbound on the Edens
Obvious rantings of a lunatic. All I’m learning is how to be crazy.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 18
- OK, Maybe I Am Crazy
Yeah, it’s solipsistic and egotistical to ask, but “Why does this shit always happen to me?”
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 19
- This is the Way the World Ends
Happiness continues to elude our hapless hero. Perhaps all I can really hope for is “Shantih, shantih, shantih.”
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 21
- Forfeit
There is just nothing left to say.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 22
- Let's Pretend It Never Happened
Like they say, there’s no problem so big that you can’t run away from it.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 22
- Do the Right Thing
A rationalization.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 22
- Question
The sequela of a random phone call.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 24
- Back to the Open Sea
Sailing / Takes me away / To where I’ve always heard it could be / Just a dream and the wind to carry me / And soon I will be free
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 24
- Just Pretending
Give me one more chance to make it real. (Heh. This entry isn’t what you think it is.)
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 26
- Tangents (and Still Barely Even Touching Upon It)
This is crazy. This is crazy.
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 28
- Summertime
Mind burp. Enough!
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 29
- Where Art Thou, My Muse?
Longing desperately for some inspiration
· Read more… - 2003 Jun 30
- Desperation in Outline Form
Confession. Half-serious.
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July
- 2003 Jul 1
- Via Trails
You can’t really call it stalking can you? It’s not like I’m breaking into their computers or anything….
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 1
- The Sound of Inevitability
I am a machine(?)
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 3
- The Lonely Silence of Night
As I lay me down to sleep. A brief summary of the days gone by.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 3
- Fatal Exception Error (Shut It Down! Shut It Down!)
At some point I may require some Haldol.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 4
- Despite It All
What if surviving really is as good as it gets?
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 4
- The Deep End (Year 227 of the Republic)
And not even anything to dream about.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 5
- Sail On, Sail On
My dog won’t let me go to sleep.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 5
- To Live and Die in Chicago
A safe landing. It’s not as bad to be here as I thought.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 7
- Scraping By
Things aren’t so bad once you get used to them.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 7
- Stupidity (Letting Her Sink Her Claws Into Me)
A shot in the dark. A phone call. Not that the rug was necessarily pulled out from under, but either way, I’m lying on bare ground.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 8
- Rivalling Vogon Poetry
Keep the violins going, damn it.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 9
- The Art of Self-Medication
OK, OK, I promise I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself. Or at least I’ll try and cut down.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 11
- Jesus, What A Mind Job
Why do I feel like I am once again, in the calm before the storm? I suppose I could be paranoid.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 13
- Full Moon Tonight
Contemplation in the darkness. I can’t get to sleep.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 14
- The Art of Self-Medication - Reprise
Another confession: I have serious problems. But some of you already knew that. Why I don’t tell people who are close to me, and yet I’m OK with telling the entire Internet, who knows?
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 14
- Walt Disney Can Kiss My Ass
I can’t seem to write myself out of a paper bag.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 15
- Flight of Ideas (Episode II): I Am Running Out of Titles
I really, really need to start writing things down. I had some pretty deep and interesting thoughts this afternoon, but now they are all gone. Oh, but there is a little teaser about learned helplessness.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 16
- Inanity (Circumferential Thoughts)
Narrating today. Striving for enlightenment.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 17
- You Gotta Know When to Hold 'Em, Know When to Fold 'Em
Unfortunately, you have to play them how they were dealt.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 20
- Getting A Grip
One handhold at a time. This is definitely nowhere near perfect, but it’s better than wanting to kill yourself all the time. Oh. And I gave in to my inner demons and bought a digital camera.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 21
- The Harsh Truth
The root of all my misery.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 22
- Coasting to a Stop
Instead of slamming the brakes into the ground. Nothing like the power of inertia.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 22
- I am an Angry Drunk
Help me! I broke apart my insides….
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 24
- Damn It All to Hell
And even though I’ve raised the white flag and cried uncle, I am still getting beaten down.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 25
- At the Bottom of the 1st Inning, the Score Is…
I’ll be OK. Really. Come hell or high water.
· Read more… - 2003 Jul 30
- Sit Down and Be Still
Really, the problem is that there is too much on my mind right now. (I've mentioned before how thinking too much is going to get me into serious trouble and perhaps might even kill me.) I mean, yeah, sure there is the fact that I have to figure out the trajectory of my life in 3 months, give or take. And then there are all sorts of other situations that, admittedly, I probably shouldn't be thinking about, but because I don't want to deal with the issue at hand, I let them fill my mind.
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August
- 2003 Aug 4
- Dream Big Dreams
It’s sad some of the things that life can beat out of you.
· Read more… - 2003 Aug 5
- contradictions
On the other hand, there is the fact that all suffering comes from desire. But I think that I've been reading that all wrong. When it comes down to it, I don't think that the goal is to stop wanting. I mean, think about it, if you stop wanting because you want to stop suffering, you are still wanting something. To not desire is either to be dead or schizophrenic, and I doubt that schizophrenia is what the Buddha had in mind when he was talking about enlightenment.
· Read more… - 2003 Aug 6
- Why I Don't Trust Anybody
Might as well write this down while it's in my head. I'm currently just listening to a bunch of mp3s sitting on my hard drive as I prune my library after a psync mishap, but that scarcely matters.
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2015
July
- 2015 Jul 22
- Rediscovered Wisdom (or Madness)
It's been four(!) months since I started migrating my 14+ year old blog to a new domain and to a new blog engine and I am entertained by [some of the things I've forgotten][2]:
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