tags: M1 year

2000

July

2000 Jul 29

Fate

I got my ass outside, felt the air, hit the scene, accepted that I am in Chicago and this is my Fate. What is it that I want to do with my life, what would make me happy? I say that [I want] to be loved, but what does that mean?

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December

2000 Dec 14

Flying Somewhere Over Arizona

[I am guessing what time it really is.] I am suddenly inspired by Borges and by Radiohead (I [am in] love [with] their song "Idioteque"). It is troubling that my life only became bearable when I [started fantasizing that] I was dying [from an indolent disease with a protracted course of illness] (although we [really] are all dying….) This allowed me to rest my mind and actually go to sleep content. I imagined the lengthy doctor's visits and hospital stays, [spending my last days] tramping throughout the countryside, and maybe to the Old World. Give me an excuse to visit Rome and London. And I would write. How joyous that would be! But this is only assuming that my insurance would pay. I would hopefully get to die in a morphine haze.

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2001

January

2001 Jan 18

Bleakness

Would I change a thing? I guess not, when it comes down to it. Well, not at the juncture that was presented to me.

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February

2001 Feb 20

Dreaming of Rhyme

Bleh. I dreamnt of [redacted] last night… as I am wont to disclaim, it was nothing perverted. If I were a little more emotional, or if I wasn't so tapped out and bled dry, I might have wept upon waking, but everything is just too little, too late, and what the fuck am I doing here surrounded by people I do not trust, people who would probably sell me if it would turn them a profit.

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