mahiwaga

I can’t stand this feeling of complete powerlessness. (I was going to write “impotence” instead of “powerlessness” but I really didn’t want to inadvertantly inject phallic imagery. OK, I admit it. I am making no sense.)

What I need is a heaping tablespoon of self-confidence.

Sorry. My brain really is addled. I would use the excuse that it’s because I’m around crazy people all the time now, but I know that I’ve always teetered on the edge of sanity. (Now I feel like a single breath would send me tumbling over the edge.)

So I am semi-purposefully being vague and circumspect. I cannot, dare not, write what is going on in my head. To actually write it down would give form to the demon. (“The choice is made. The Traveller has come.“—man, I’m having a severe case of ‘80’s flashbacks.)

As N is wont to say, “It will all end in tears.”

Still, days like this, I forget what the cold hard winter is like. I love this town.

But things are destined to change, for ill or for good, and the looming precipice is not far off. The so-called mathematical catastrophe. The singularity. Meaning, it is impossible to predict what is going to happen afterward. It could go in any direction, really, and so I don’t want to hold on to anything too tightly.

As A remarked in another context entirely, “You haven’t been able to cut the cord, have you?”

Then again, I might as well hold on until everything gets sucked into the black hole anyway.

In other news, I of course bought “Hail to the Thief” by Radiohead today, although I have yet to listen to it. And here I am, saying that I will go to sleep before midnight. I keep making promises that I find impossible to keep.

I am suddenly afraid. That’s really all there is to it.

(Despite my misgivings and my paranoid delusions, today was, once again, a good day. That makes 3 so far.)