mahiwaga

Today had good brooding weather. The cloudburst as I stepped off of the El platform was a nice touch.

To bite off of what M has resolved: the word of the week is “detachment.”

How did I end up being involved in such massive train wrecks? (And, yes, I appreciate that it does me no good to ask such a question. I am where I am, and I have to deal with it, no matter how paralyzed and frustrated I feel.)

I just have to survive until Friday, really, and then I can go home for at least a little while. Maybe some good home-cooked Filipino food will make me feel at least a little better. Or maybe a Double-Double from In-and-Out. (Ah, yes, medicating sorrow with food. Mmmm.)

Humihinga pa. (Yep, still breathing.) To quote a resident physician, “At least you don’t have lymphoma.”

(As my mania continues, my subtitles will become more and more esoteric.)

All right, my faithful readers. I am officially losing it. My mind is a complete minefield of contradictions, hypocrisy, cross-intentions, sophistry, and outright illogic. There are too many twists and turns to take. It takes forever for me to write a simple sentence, to think a basic thought. (Bel Biv Devoe suddenly croons in my head: “That girl is poison!”)

Despite the anticholinergic effects of the psychotropic drugs I am on, I am still apparently thinking with the wrong head.

Flashbacks, thinking of my time at Cal, listening to old R&B slow-jams circa 1994 to 1998, and wondering, of course, wondering, what if? (It has always been a fantasy of mine, to be able to redo college, only knowing what I know now. Yes, I know that this premise already exists in two different sitcoms—are they even being renewed? [1] [2].) (What if blogs existed back in the mid-to-late ‘90’s? I mean, yeah, they existed, but certainly not to the extent they do now.)

Too afraid to take a chance, but too pathetic to actually let go. I need professional help. Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!

(P.S., today was another good day. If you disregard my self-destructive tendencies.)

(P.P.S., pay no mind to me. I am really making this all up in my head. Maybe, deep down inside, I really am a drama queen.)