mahiwaga

I'm not really all that mysterious

posted by Author's profile picture mahiwaga

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Somethings you need to write on paper, I think. But I will transcribe it here anyway.

May has always been fraught with false promise
dreams of love
fire, hope
(and yet all dreams have endings)
Conceived in the cradle of spring
Grown gravid, then stillborn come cold winter
And STILL I wish.

But I have been stricken too many times
with this abominable endless madness
The infinite crossing, entangled paths
of a million pinpoints of light
careening throughout the cosmos
wracking my mind
To unwind a thread means to
unravel the entire thing
and there are not enough millenia
for one man to attempt such a task

I do not want to hope
But to deny hope is to deny Life.

And then there is this:

It isn’t until now that I appreciate the deceptive nature of the month of May. I suppose that ever since I was a child, May has always meant endings, but also, the promise of new beginnings. The final full month of school, with glimpses of the summer ahead. But I’ve grown to learn that, more often than not, such promises rarely come to fruition.

It is interesting how May (the fifth month of the year in the Gregorian calendar) and may (past tense of “might”) are homonyms.

I will try to be hopeful, but I’ve been down this road way too many times.

posted by Author's profile picture mahiwaga

Fidgety

(I had to look up how to spell “fidgety.” All my verbal skills are detetriorating, I tell you.)

Am I really going to write this drek? But of course.

(When in doubt, put it on paper. Or even better, the web.)

I read briefly on learned helplessness and its correlate with depression, and (as I’ve said in another context) even when I know why a thing happens, it doesn’t change how I feel.

(Certain things have happened to disrupt my erstwhile foolish contentment.)

(Not that the following is at all related. I am the king of non-sequiturs. But…) Lately I have been facing the world with a kind of passive-aggresivity, slightly pissed off at everything and everyone. Despite recognizing that certain things are largely out of my control, my convoluted control-freakishness (yes I am a closet type A personality that has been living in denial for the longest time) keeps wanting to blame myself for all the things that don’t turn out right. Despite knowing that people are just crazy and that it’s not my fault, I keep thinking that there is something wrong with me. (I mean, sure, I’m not perfect, but shit…) I am starting to believe that this orgy of non-stop misery is of divine etiology. I must’ve done some really fucked up shit in my past life or something.

(Have you ever had a delusion where you start thinking that you’re not really alive anymore, that where you actually are right now is Hell? OK, I admit it. I’ve been watching too much of “The Matrix”)

Fuck it. I’m not even going to think about it anymore. Whatever happens, happens.

posted by Author's profile picture mahiwaga