the days fall like dry, dead leaves
even in this land of no seasons
time winds its way
the signs of the zodiac
do their slow, courtly dance
through the heavens

I stare at this map of the landscape of my soul
see the paths I have traversed
the great wide blank desert before me
and the distance I’ve gone from safe, civilized lands

the hours are miles
the days are towns and cities
the months are provinces
each season an empire

did I truly believe that I was saved?
what grievous folly, what laughable regret
the hours spent, the hours lost
dreaming, hoping, wishing
nothing but vainglorious self-defeat

my soul roils, I was snared
once again, how did it happen?
why did I dare?
when all roads have led me to deeper darkness
all chances fraught with sorrow

I am chasing falling stars

and yet perhaps
I am learning the wrong lesson here
still it rankles, still it burns
still I ache, still I bleed
when does “not yet” become “never”?
but is it failure if you never really tried?
is there no chance, if no chance was ever taken?

like a fading ember,
hope remains
but it does not buoy me up
does not lighten my burden
my heart is sick
and filled with dread.