mahiwaga

If I could guarantee the happiness of a certain someone whom I think is the coolest person in the world at this point, I would sell my soul at a pinch. No matter how much misery I must endure, if I know that she is happy, then whatever I suffer will be bearable.

Grasp him tightly, try to carry him
and he will squirm and struggle
snap and bite and cry out
trying to get free

But untether him, and let him wander
and let him play
among the shade of trees and the dew-lined grass
and he will follow you willingly
all the days of his life

that which you seek to perfect
fussing and worrying over
will come to ruin
too much force
and the thing will break
too much care
and you will wear it thin
and all you’re left with are the little pieces
useless debris, detritus

so if you wish for things to turn out well
abandon artifice
let go of regret
the thing you care about
if it truly is worth caring about
is no mere tool
but an entity unto itself
it too has a soul
and souls are most perfect
when they are tranquil and still

and in stillness, what must happen will happen
the wave shall lift you up, then drop you down
and even still, you will find yourself
moving to where you need to be

There is nothing external to yourself that can tell you about the future, because you already know what’s going to happen. And if you don’t know it now, you’ll never know it.

I

The way which I can tell you about is not the unending way
The name which I can utter is not the permanent name
the universe began without a name
the names we devised split the universe into objects, creating the multiplicity of things before you
if you desire nothing, you will understand what is hidden
with desire, you can only see what is rendered
it seems like two things coming from the same source
so we named each thing separately
and the unified source remains a mystery
a mystery wrapped in a mystery
which itself is just a doorway to all mysteries

XVII

the best leaders, no one has ever heard of them, they are scarcely known
while those who end up with the mantle of leadership may be famous and loved by all,
or probably feared,
or probably despised.

if you can’t trust, then you can’t be trusted

when things get done
without the pundits and the critics exchanging empty words
the ordinary people will look back and say, “We did it.”

The irony is, I’m terrible with details. I can’t figure out the right threshold, the right setting. Either I actively ignore the minutiae and pretend they don’t exist at all, or I end up mired in the trivial, and I end up taking hours when it should’ve taken minutes, and every task becomes a variation of Zeno’s Paradox, getting halfway there, then halfway again, then halfway again of that, but still no closer to the finish line. This leaves me extraordinarily tired and frustrated, with a bunch of half-finished or maybe three-quarters finished projects lying around.

So what ends up happening is that I give up and procrastinate.

I’m not sure where this obsessive/compulsive focus on perfection came from. As far as I can tell, neither of my parents are really perfectionists. My mother comes close to being one, and yet she isn’t exactly the epitome of organization and order. My father can live with whatever is good enough.

But everyone knows perfection is impossible, and yet most people are able to live their lives without this paralyzing fear of always fucking things up. In retrospect, it becomes clear why nothing ever happens in my life. I’ve actively tried to avoid it.

In the past month, I’ve managed to pull my head above the water. I certainly didn’t do it on my own. Nothing would’ve ever happened if I didn’t have help from my friends. In particular, S., but also J and D. And I realize, if I don’t keep trying, I’m just going to sink back down into the endless depths of that cold, dark sea. That raw thought actually terrifies me. I’d almost rather drown in loneliness and despair than have to actually take a risk and actually aim for a little happiness.

I think some part of me was horrifically stunted some time during adolescence. Deep down inside, I’m still that 13 year old kid grappling with a hostile world, both at school and at home, never learning how to trust anyone.

And, oh man, I can see that chasm. It’s wide, and I can’t see the bottom of it. But I also see you on the other side, ready to catch me, and maybe if I get a good running start….

But it ain’t gonna happen. Not unless something inside me changes dramatically. Somehow I’ve got to re-experience the years of my life where I’ve actively avoided doing anything of consequence and never truly shared the depths of my heart with anyone, either romantically or even just as friends. Maybe if I actually tried once or twice, maybe things would’ve turned out drastically different. I guess that, no matter how much I protest, E. is right, and has got the force of an aphorism to prove it. It’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. So, instead, all I’ve got is a pocketful of what-ifs and missed chances. I’m not sure what’ll get me off of this cliff that I seem to be eternally perched on. Somehow, I’m gonna have to actually try and jump.