mahiwaga

For some reason, old songs I haven’t thought of for a while suddenly sprang forth from my memory.

Sometimes even fairy tales don’t have fairy tale endings. There are “happily ever after”s for some people, just not for who you hoped for, and maybe it’s not such a bad thing to dissolve into foam, or be resurrected into a tree. I guess.

The answer—the immensity of it all looms overhead—and the old doubts creep in, despite knowing that God never challenges you beyond your abilities. Like life itself, these things are possible, though perhaps astronomically improbable.

There is no averting this course. If the tracks lead me directly into a brick wall, I say, full steam ahead.

This does nothing for the butterflies in my stomach, though, as I anticipate things that are not going to happen (even though a part of me that I’m trying to keep locked up in its cage keeps wishing that it would. Well, that part isn’t in my hands now, is it?)

my heart misgives me
and yet this vigil I must keep
through the long dark night alone I gaze upon the stars

the thought of you causes my heart to stir
my pulse like cresting waves crashing upon the rocky shore
I had seen the paths,
the crisscrossing threads of the skein of Fate
intricate and subtle
bewildering and mesmerizing
not believing where they would lead
beyond the labyrinthine twistings and turnings
through the tangled knots and whorls

I am lost, have always been lost
though you are like a beacon, a brilliant star
the light guiding me home in the misty darkness
in my desperate searches, I found a glimmer
fearing yet another false hope
a phantom of the lonely sea
but the light grew brighter, until it were like sunlight
dazzling, blazing, and I thought I might even feel your warm embrace

Still I drift listlessly in the windless sea
with only the low rumble of the waves around me
the air is warm and thick
and I dream of summers long gone
the hours and the days wasted
wandering hidden lands and lost kingdoms
searching but never finding

I know that you are not mine to keep
your light is for the world to see
I drink but lightly of your waters
and breathe but a single breath, inhaling your sweet fragrance
as Springtime belongs to no man,
and Summer has no master

Still my wonder does not abate
that you should smile on me even once
and a sweet longing grows in my heart
that may always yearn, never to be fulfilled

To know that you are there
shimmering, glittering like a star
gives comfort to my soul, and chases my nightmares away,
though I drift upon this endless sea,
never to find landfall.