Could I have saved her—?
And thereby have saved myself?
Knowing what I know
doing what I do
and all I’m good for
is letting people slip through my fingers

To seek salvation
I’m just spinning my wheels
merry-go-round
‘til you puke your guts out

There are vast territories
of my soul
that are rotten
decaying and gangrenous
the first mistake
irrevocable
undeniable
(she still lurks in the dark corners of my mind
ready to waylay me in the most unlikely of moments)
the second mistake all but inevitable
then the third and the fourth
until the count unwinds
lose track of the digits
the exponents
approximating infinity

We whittle away
day by day
first a toe
then a foot
a leg
then a thigh

Worm food
maggot food
the creepy crawlies close in
my soul writhes
but I fail to move

When was the biggest hit?
when was the most damage wrought?
as parts of my soul infarct
bloodless then scarring
each heart beat fraught with peril
fraying like worn thread

We spin the hands of the clock
and it’s all meaningless
the Aprils and Mays come with false promise
then summer comes to wither my dreams away
should my heart just be still
silent like ancient stone
the numbness slowly turning into death with each grudging, painful breath

And even this is fleeting
like trying to stop the speeding advance
of a meteor come crashing to earth
with nothing but a wish and a song

still the earth turns
heedless as it crushes my bones
trods upon my skull

like lashes from a whip
blows from a billy club
still I rise and forge on
the yoke drags me along
the furrowed tracks of time

This will end! sayeth I
despite knowing all I’ve known
the endless, trackless despair
the neverending emptiness
whirling around like a juggernaut
becoming senseless
paralyzed
petrified
still

oh for that final stillness
bereft of all regret
for that final silence
and the comfort of oblivion