mahiwaga

Could I have saved her—?
And thereby have saved myself?
Knowing what I know
doing what I do
and all I’m good for
is letting people slip through my fingers

To seek salvation
I’m just spinning my wheels
merry-go-round
‘til you puke your guts out

There are vast territories
of my soul
that are rotten
decaying and gangrenous
the first mistake
irrevocable
undeniable
(she still lurks in the dark corners of my mind
ready to waylay me in the most unlikely of moments)
the second mistake all but inevitable
then the third and the fourth
until the count unwinds
lose track of the digits
the exponents
approximating infinity

We whittle away
day by day
first a toe
then a foot
a leg
then a thigh

Worm food
maggot food
the creepy crawlies close in
my soul writhes
but I fail to move

When was the biggest hit?
when was the most damage wrought?
as parts of my soul infarct
bloodless then scarring
each heart beat fraught with peril
fraying like worn thread

We spin the hands of the clock
and it’s all meaningless
the Aprils and Mays come with false promise
then summer comes to wither my dreams away
should my heart just be still
silent like ancient stone
the numbness slowly turning into death with each grudging, painful breath

And even this is fleeting
like trying to stop the speeding advance
of a meteor come crashing to earth
with nothing but a wish and a song

still the earth turns
heedless as it crushes my bones
trods upon my skull

like lashes from a whip
blows from a billy club
still I rise and forge on
the yoke drags me along
the furrowed tracks of time

This will end! sayeth I
despite knowing all I’ve known
the endless, trackless despair
the neverending emptiness
whirling around like a juggernaut
becoming senseless
paralyzed
petrified
still

oh for that final stillness
bereft of all regret
for that final silence
and the comfort of oblivion

cry for stillness
listen, that rhythm, that beat
crashing and burning
spinning and turning
we’re dancing, we’re diving
we’re dreaming, we’re scheming

light and scatter
time shatters, shards, splinters, splatters
we’ve only just begun
voices crying out
howling on the wind
spin, beloved, twirl
screaming in the desert wastes
in the bleak, scarred wilderness
of my soul

tripping and falling
herking and jerking
like an epileptic on speed
the pupils dilate
the heart beat races

we sing

dreaming spaces
traces
lost and forsaken

mark where the paths cross
like a tight braid, a strangling skein
destiny unyielding
like a fly wrapped up in spider-silk
still and lost
gazing at the maw of death
abrading and lacerating
scraping and rasping

Death’s too good for ‘em.

Light!
sing the glory of angels
floating on the western sky
like shimmering clouds
firestorms of the fall, come early
this blistering summertime
this scalding solstice
dessicating and despoiling

Blight!
the empty interiors of my wretched soul
the vast, haunted echo chambers, still and silent
but even the darkness breathes
the great winds sweeping

Still.

Brilliant
Aching
like crystal meth directly into the bloodstream
I taste starlight
and breathe the sun

spilling, brimming
this corrosive acid
glass etching
burning away

it’s all just
burning away

falling, fading
twisted
jaded
we are one with the universe
in its near-infinite emptiness
the silence
this deafening roar
echoing within and without

8 minutes
when the sun implodes
it’s 8 minutes before the searing blast
the nuclear holocaust
stripping away electron clouds
leaving superheated plasma
streaming to the ends of the universe

Nothingness
This shiftless chaos
This quantum foam
all that ever was
all that will be

Nothingness
still and silent
in the darkness past midnight
dreaming still of unicorns
dragons and wizards
princesses and knights
of happily ever after
and other such foolishness
the wounded heart still beats
the shattered soul still hopes
I am cold and alone
and still waiting
for stillness

How much changes in a single week. Anticipation has lately been more enjoyable than the real thing. My fault as usual.

Am I really that much more selfish than I used to be? I suppose I’ve always been selfish. Who isn’t these days? (Or is that just my warped perception? A twisted act of sophistry?)

I am beginning to really appreciate what my psychiatrist has pointed out about the ugly desperation of just trying to survive. I blithely wonder if I’ll ever really escape from this mode of existence, always desperately scrambling to claim what I perceive as my fair share. It’s always less than I imagine, indeed, markedly so. I have come to believe that fairness is an exclusively human construction not at all borne out by reality. There is no hyperintelligent superbeing enforcing it. And yet I don’t want to live in such a dog-eat-dog world.

It can’t possibly be right that the only rational act is suicide. My protean brain refuses to accept such an atrocious conclusion. It may well be true, in a mathematical sort of way, but as much as I talk the game, I simply can’t sustain my drive towards self- obliteration. My biological programming is simply dead-set against it.

So what do I do? Swing back and forth like a pendulum until I get too tired to care. The universe, I suppose, will take care of the rest. Entropy always wins in the end.

On the off chance that you actually cared, I’ve changed this blog’s URL. You will find the latest drek escaping from my vacuous soul at http://disorderedthoughtprocesses.com, and for once the domain name actually matches the title. This will be a transparent process, thanks to the beauty that is the Apache Web Server, and thanks to the beauty of Wordpress itself.

You would think that this would be something well-documented and easy to find, but not even the awesome powers of the Googlebot manages to get this on the first try. In case you actually want to know how to move your Wordpress blog from one server to another with the least amount of hassle, try this (you will need Wordpress 2.1 or greater):

1. Go to the Dashboard of your old blog and click on the ‘Manage’ tab.
2. Then click on the ‘Export’ tab.
3. Click on the ‘Download Export File’ button. This will save a large XML file to your hard drive which contains the entire contents of your blog, including entries, comments, and other uploaded files.
4. Go to the Dashboard of your new blog and click on the ‘Manage’ tab.
5. Click on the ‘Import’ tab.
6. Click on the ‘Wordpress’ link.
7. Use the file picker and find the aforementioned large XML file that contains the entire contents of your blog.
8. Click on the ‘Upload file and import’ button

Voila!

The one thing that worries me is the 7 MB limitation. I’ve only been using Wordpress for a year and a half now, and I’ve already gotten to about 4.5 MB. Hopefully a year and a half from now, this limitation will be fixed.

Oh, and if (1) the domain of your old blog will remain active, (2) you have shell access to your website, and (3) your setup allows the use of .htaccess files, the following will seamlessly redirect your readers to the new URL:

1. Delete or rename your existing .htaccess file. It generally resides in the root directory of your Wordpress installation, and will typically be invisible. In Unix and related OSes in which Wordpress generally runs, this means typing the following at the command line to delete the file: ` rm .htaccess ` Or you can use the following to rename the file: ` mv .htaccess whatever-filename-you-want `
2. Use your favorite text editor to create a new .htaccess file. For example: ` emacs .htaccess `
3. In this file, place the following line: redirect 301 / http://new-blog.domain-name.com/

Once you save the file, redirection should work right away, although apparently it takes Google a while to reindex your site, so you may see a significant drop in traffic.

(Sources: 1. .htaccess / 301 redirect an entire site to new domain 2. Apache module mod_alias.)

I’m seriously digging on The Hype Machine, a mp3 blog aggregator. Sure, there are probably less painful ways to try and find your favorite track currently being played by the Evil Empire Clear Channel, but for more of the underground, completely whacked-out stuff, you gotta check it.

(I am currently listening to a mashup of Muse and Justin Timberlake: Sexymassive Back Hole. OK, it’s just a little homoerotic. But, seriously, this shit is tight. JT’s “SexyBack” and Muse’s “Supermassive Black Holes” Where do they think of this shit?)