Maybe things are not so still, though I wish it were so. I can feel Time swirling all around me, and I’m just trying to keep my head above the water, wanting to just stay still, but knowing that I’m going to keep moving whether I want to or not.

What it is that I’m hoping for, I don’t really know, and I don’t dare try and delve into it. I just want to be able to take a long deep breath and not have to worry about tomorrow or the next day. I just want to be able to revel in the present and enjoy this momentary sensation of freedom. I don’t want to fret about what lies ahead. I just want to bury my head in the sand (waiting for the lions to just come by and bite me in the ass.)

There are weddings coming up, inadvertantly reminding me of my solitary state. It’s been like this for so long I can’t remember what it was like to not be alone. The longer it gets, the more difficult it becomes to want to do anything about it.

And yet there are revelations, and re-awakenings of old hopes that I thought were long buried. I feel like Pandora with my hand on the eponymous box, knowing I shouldn’t open it, and yet also knowing that I probably will anyway. (After all, where would we all be if there wasn’t any hope?)

And then there are the mechanics and logistics of the next few months that lie ahead, filled with more than a little dread and trepidation. I suppose a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

And still I sit, dreaming about other worlds, useless fantasies, pointless myths, pretending that I’ve got all the time in the world.

Even now I cannot name my desire, nor name my fear. Instead, I am reduced to typing in convoluted circumlocutions, trying to find the true name of the things that wrack my weary head.