Damn it, I had written a hopeful entry in my delirium last night, and as luck would have it, Wordpress decides to send it to the utter void. I guess it’s for the best. I was kind of blasphemous post. I’d try to reconstruct it in its entirety, but I can’t remember what I wrote. All I’ve got are snippets.

I remember on Christmas Eve while sitting at midnight mass, I started thinking about how what we’re celebrating is the fact that Jesus has come to be with us. I still have that line echoing in my head: “Do not be afraid.” This is what he’s telling us.

I’m still mired in the depths of my crisis of faith. Even the continued assurance of Jesus’ presence in my life has not kept me from wallowing in the vast pits of despair of my own making. I’m trying, I’m trying. I recognize that it’s true, God can only help those who help themselves.

But I still have to blame the institution of the Church for at least part of this mess. Their continued intolerance of homosexuality, their refusal to accept the necessary reality of birth control, and their continued marginalization of women from positions of prominence leave me cold and empty, and I can’t help but think that Jesus would actually be all for these things. He wasn’t a guy to give in to traditional authority. He was all about being inclusive. After all, he really only had two requirements: Love God with your whole being, and love your neighbor as much as you love yourself. Nowhere in there is there mention of why homosexuality is intrinsically sinful, or why women can’t be priests, or why you can’t have sex if it’s in the context of a loving relationship with the intention of being chaste. And chastity probably isn’t what you think it means—it actually just means staying faithful. (After all, you can’t expect fucking around, cheating on your girlfriend, and just overall deceiving people to fall under the concept of loving your neighbor.)

But mostly, priests now just creep me out. I know it sucks to generalize to all of them, but even the possibility that that dude in front of the altar used to molest or maybe even still molests little boys and girls is just sick. I know were supposed to be forgiving and all that, but it’s hard to be forgiving when the Church continues to put up the high and mighty act, still claiming the moral high ground, all the while refusing to be inclusive. I mean, come on.

Basically, I think Pope Benedict and the more sycophantic cardinals need to practice a little humility. The Pope is, after all, supposed to be the servant of all the members of the Church, not some kind of emperor or judge.

But yeah, that pretty much sums up the reason why I’m still alienated from the institution of the Church.

In any case, now that the days are getting longer, I think I’m starting to feel better. I mean, we just have to see. I’m trying to take small steps. If I can at least do maybe 25% of all the things I want to accomplish, maybe I have a chance. It’s certainly more than the 0% that I’ve got right now.