so of course I can't go to sleep, despite the fact that I have to go in to work on Easter Sunday at 6am. For some reason, I feel all wired. Of course, it could be all that caffeine I consumed today.

hypochondriac warning (skip if you don't want to read about my paranoid hallucinations) So as I climbed the ramp from the train to the parking lot, I totally got out of breath. No anginal chest pains, but definitely light headed. Which is, from what I understand about physiology, not very normal in a 28 year old male. I start worrying about anemia, and whether I might be bleeding out of my gut somewhere. Of course, what it probably is is that I'm horrifically out of shape. It's disgusting. I need help.

but on the train I was one of those people that I find annoying, yapping away on their cel phone. It was good to talk to B, whom I haven't heard from in a million years. Not that I'm necessarily the easiest person to get a hold of.

but we mused about the impending big 3-0, which is technically still more than a year away. but we both mourned the fact that neither of us were anywhere near our vaunted goals.

the big 3-0 just seems like such a steaming pile of bullshit, though. It's not like my life is going to magically change. or, to look it another way, things can only get worse.

ah, I love being so optimistic.

The other thing that has been crossing my mind is the fact that pretty much every woman that I've had an interest in or even dated is now either married or in a stable long term relationship. I don't know why, but there is something discomfiting about that. Again. Things can only get worse from here on out.

But what do I care, right? It's not like I have any time for anything in my life right now except work, work, work. I can't even make my bed, much less have a girlfriend at this point in time.

As I've said before, in what seems like an eon ago, what I need is a personal valet, not a girlfriend. I wonder what the going rates are for hiring an assistant? I wonder if I can bid for such services on e-bay?

Then there is the bizarre deal I have made. Basically a rip-off of "My Best Friend's Wedding." So, of course, there is this woman I have mentioned before. One night, in the aftermath of a messy break up and me trying to console her, we come up with this insane plan to get married by the time I'm 35 if we hadn't met anyone else we'd want to marry.

I honestly don't know what to make of this. As far as I understand it, we're just joking.

But then there's this niggling part in the back of my mind that makes me think there's more here than meets the eye.

Madness.

The thing is, if I'm dead serious about this, I figure I should just go for it. Spill my guts and run all the way with it, even if eventually it leads me out into the middle of traffic only to get mowed down by a figurative Mack truck.

Instead, I make excuses.

Does this mean that I'm only fooling myself with what I feel? Or is it even more horrifically convoluted? Am I fooling myself that I'm fooling myself?

Will the madness never end?

Maybe I just need to have a frontal lobotomy. That'll definitely make all these dilemmas go away.