mahiwaga

“It’s not all fucked!” Jim from “28 Days Later”

So I go watch a horror movie for inspiration. (OK, really, for escape.) In Burbank. Back to the beginning, indeed. Reminds me of high school days, before Starbucks and In and Out and Barnes and Noble. We would park at the Media City Center and walk to the AMC on Palm Ave. When I got carded for a rated R movie when I was 16 years and 10 months old. (I think we were trying to watch “CB4”)

(By the way, I liked “28 Days Later.” Really artistic for a zombie movie. And, while I recognize that it’s not an allegory, there are a lot of interesting ways to interpret certain symbols which I will not elaborate on to make myself seem smarter than I really am. Sure, they’ve done it all before, with “The Omega Man”, “Dead Alive,” “ Resident Evil,” etc., etc., but not with as much style.)

But, hey, I am still restless. I cannot seem to get things right. It’s almost 3 a.m. I really shouldn’t try to be coherent at this hour.

Bleh.

I am thinking that this may very well be my first 4th of July in the past decade that is not fraught with some sort of, well, drama of the double-X chromosome type. (Strange holiday to pick for this kind of thing, no doubt.) At least, none that is within geographic proximity. Which is just as well.

I still have this raging restlessness crashing around my soul, but my only goal for now is to keep my shit together, to minimize the freaking-out, and to go about my business, pretending that I am a sane human being.

Seriously, times like this, I wonder if I am destined to go crazy. I do have a family history of mental illness on both sides of the family.

OK, OK, yes, I am trying to remind myself—as R has counseled—that I am not being deported, that I am not in prison, not starving, not terminally ill. Things could be a lot of worse. Still. Still. Aargh.

Calvin’s Mom Life could be worse.

Calvin Life could be a whole lot better, too.

from “Calvin and Hobbes”

Ah. Solipsism and ego-centricity. The last refuge of the eternally damned.

I’m OK, you’re OK. We’re all OK. OK? Hahaha.