mahiwaga

I dreamt that my sister was getting married, and I couldn’t decide what I wanted to wear. The time was running out (the ever ticking clock is a recurring theme in my dreams, and maybe even my life…) and I kept looking in the closet for a tie that I didn’t own, and I couldn’t get my shirt and my pants to match—I think they may have been changing colors without me realizing it. Then my mom started hassling me about running out of time, and all these depressing thoughts started to fill my head, and I got pissed off and yelled at my mom. And despite the fact that the wedding was within hours, we ended up going to Lake Elizabeth to pick up my aunt and godfather, and it didn’t look like we’d make it to the wedding on time. And I remember my last conscious thought before waking up was: “Why can I never make it anywhere on time?”

Of course, what I remember thinking about in the dream was the fact that my sense of timing is all jacked up especially when it comes to women, and I remember that in my dream I was fretting about the notion of my sister getting married before I did, and how I would probably never get to the point in my life where I might even ask a woman to marry me, and this just made me incredibly sad. So so much for the Art of Not-Wanting. Maybe.

But I’ve noticed it before: things only start going right when I just let go, and just let life lead me to whereever I need to be. Ignorance is bliss. Plans are for suckers. Or something like that.

I can’t seem to get started today. Not to say that I haven’t studied, but I am incredibly off schedule, and I am starting to contemplate just taking my next two exams cold. I’m a smart guy. I was disciplined and studied pretty hard over the last five weeks. I should know my shit. I’m lean, I’m mean, I’m a fighting machine (metaphorically speaking of course). I should be stomping ass and taking no prisoners, right? Right. This is probably something like what Hannibal said before he tried to march his elephants to Rome. Or what Napoleon said right before winter came and he marched his armies to Moscow.

Although I must say, it is easier to plan the conquest of entire continents than to contemplate studying immunology and pathology all day today, thanks to Freeciv. I think I should just type “rm -rf *”. Or better yet, take a hammer to my hard drive. I’ve never liked dealing with things head on if I didn’t have to, I suppose.

But this morning’s dream left me kind of tired. (The ever-ticking clock is starting to piss me off.) Quite ludicrously, I think it may have been because of the two “Simpsons” episodes I watched yesterday. One was the “Guatemalan Insanity Peppers” episode (I really do think that capsaicin can get you high.), where the vision-quest coyote tells Homer to find his soulmate. Homer begins to doubt whether Marge is his soulmate because she doesn’t understand him, so he wanders around Springfield all lonely and forlorn, with Janis Ian’s “At Seventeen” playing in the background. (Read the lyrics. They’re really depressing.)

The other episode was about Lisa’s crush on her substitute teacher. Basically it was about finding someone who really changes your life and then being unable to hold on them.

Lisa: Where’s Mr. Bergstrom?
Miss Hoover: I’d like to know too. He didn’t touch my lesson plans. What did he teach you?!
Lisa: That life is worth living….

And then he leaves her life forever. (This quote got to me: “Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more….” It’s really more about class issues, but I think it works on a personal level too, somehow.)

Add in my random floating thoughts while I was taking my exam yesterday, and you’ve got the recipe for another existential crisis. It all just put into my head that life is a futile cycle of finding and losing, with ultimately little to no gain. But I should be OK with that. Balance. The Art of Not-Wanting. Thermodynamics. And the kitchen sink, too.